The Racing Bowler Hat - short story

This is something I just thought up quickly. Please critique, as I know it's not that great yet.

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The Racing Bowler Hat - a short story

"Here we are!" exclaimed a teenage girl, who was indicating the shop in front of her.
Her male friend nodded and strolled over to her, lazily licking his melting ice cream cone.
“Well, is this what we’ve been looking for? What are we waiting for...enter!” the young man waved his hands dramatically, swiping a passer-by with his strawberry and nut concoction. He smiled nervously at the heated response from the now sticky and indignant pedestrian and dashed inside, making the bell over the door jangle wildly. He tripped over the ‘Welcome’ mat and fell headlong into a hat stand. The tall stand wobbled, swayed for a moment, then deposited it’s occupants onto the now very bewildered boy.

He sat up, and blinked. A large bowler hat had slipped over his eyes and rested on his nose, giving him a comical look. The girl had been staring at him, but now she burst out laughing, along with the other curious tourists, and helped him up.
“Well Anthony, no one can say now that you don’t make a grand entrance. But I’d better remind you...this is a souvenir shop, not the console” said the girl, winking, as she adjusted the hat on his head. Anthony blushed and stammered an unintelligible reply.

The shop assistant had been tidying shelves near them. She straightened up and raised a perfect eyebrow at them and rolled her eyes, before going back to her desk.
Their fellow shoppers gradually dispersed to their own browsing, leaving the pair standing awkwardly in the middle of the scattered array of hats and umbrellas.

“I’ll sort this out; you go and find what you want” suggested the girl, starting to re-arrange the gear. Anthony sighed
“Ok Grace, I guess I will” he said resignedly and wandered off down an isle, the bowler still atop his head. Grace watched him go, and chuckled to herself as she dusted off another hat.

Presently, a tall, distinguished looking man strode over to the hat stand, and after searching through the now orderly hat stand, stood looking perplexed. Anthony was across the isle from him, turning a decorated mug over in his hands. The stranger’s eyes narrowed suspiciously as he spotted the bowler hat over the partition. He squared his shoulders and marched determinedly around the corner. Anthony jumped, startled as the red face appeared close to his. He set the mug down with a jolt, and walked jerkily away, trying not to appear afraid. The persuers face got even redder, and he set off in hot pursuit. Anthony (forgetting about the hat) set off like a startled rabbit, dodging customers and displays. The shop assistant glanced at them and yawned, before returning to her magazine.

Grace gasped as Anthony raced past her, followed by the now puffing gentleman. She put a hand over her mouth and watched them with wide eyes.
Oh my...what has he done now? She wondered.
The next time the pair passed her, she tried to stop them, but they only shook off her hand and charged on. Around and around they went, leaving some irate customers in their wake.

“Watch where you’re going, young man, you nearly broke my glasses...”
“My word, he’ll have a heart attack at this rate”
“Difsn? Rhbos? Bsfog nsoine, sos!”
These were the varied responses to the antics of the now tiring racers.

Suddenly Grace realised what had happened.
“He’s forgotten he’s wearing the hat!” she giggled to herself, and craned her neck to see where they were. Next time they passed, she managed to reach up and grab the bowler hat as Anthony passed. She shoved it into the arms of the gentleman. The latter didn’t realise what had happened, and kept running until he happened to need to use his hands to manoeuvre around a display full of calendars.

His collar askew and sweat running down his brow, he stopped short, and gazed at the hat for a moment before snorting angrily, and stalking out of the shop without a backward glance.
Once he realised he wasn’t being perused anymore, Anthony stopped, his breath rasping and short. Grace ran up to him concernedly
“Are you ok? Why didn’t you give the hat back?” she asked, looking up at him perplexedly, and trying to stifle a giggle
“Hat? What are you talking about? Why was I being chased?” he panted out, mopping his face with an oversize handkerchief.

Grace could only laugh. Although Anthony was still rather confused -- he joined in. Even the shop assistant allowed herself a small smile.

Good enough!!!! Nothing complicated. But you have to think whether no complications is a good thing. I just read what was in front of me. It did not make me think. But if that was your idea, you've succeded in giving me a chance to lean back and enjoy a good read.

This is pretty good! It's quite funny at the end. Just some few pointers. Why do you go; "g.irl" or "m.elting" and stuff like that? Just wondering because you don't actually need the dots.

“Here we are!” exclaimed a teenage g.irl, indicating the shop in front of her, to her friend – a young man. He nodded, and strolled over to her, lazily licking m.elting ice-cream cone.

This sentance, to me, sounds a little confusing. Erm, would it be better like this?

"Here we are!" exclaimed a teenage girl, who was indicating the shop infront of her.
She was showing her male friend the building. He nodded and strolled over to her, lazily licing his melting ice cream cone.

I don't think mine is perfect but I think it's just an idea on how to make it more easier for the reader or something along those lines! XD

The shop assistant, who had been tidying shelves near them, straightened up and raised a perfect eyebrow at them and rolled her eyes, before going back to her desk.

I think you should put a full stop after them and get rid of the 'and' and put 'she'. It drags on too much.

Grace could only laugh, and although Anthony was still rather confused, he joined in, and even the shop assistant allowed herself a small smile.

Same here. I think this would sound better;

Grace could only laugh. Although Anthony was still rather confused -- he joined in. Even the shop assistant allowed herself a small smile.

Or something like that. I really aren't that good at rewriting sentances.

I really enjoyed the story. Nice work.

Thanks for that, Emma and Jojo! Yeah, I can see your point with those sentances, Emma...thanks, I'll fix them up



P.S. The dots were because my computer didn't like the words, but I just got the computer fixed, so I shouldn't have to use them now...

Hehe! What did your computer make the words? XD What did it do? I can't believe they don't like girl! It's sexist! XD

Lol...it just deleted them It didn't like

Girl
job search
games
chat
rump
queen

and others....

thats weird...my computer doesnt like me going on some websites, like this one. it allways kicks up a stink and disconects if im on msn at the same time...strange things they are! anyway the story, i liked it and being the terrible speller and grammaritic (<---Lol)person i am i cant really say much about that.

You know, I read this a while back, and I have been thinking about it fondly--but I just realized I never left a critique for you!

I love the title--it captures the comic nature of the piece.

There are so many fun elements of this--clumsy Anthony (we know this right at the beginning with his ice-cream cone...)and the enraged gentlemen, and the even indifferent store clerk. Very entertaining! I loved the way you introduced Anthony:

the young man waved his hands dramatically, swiping a passer-by with his strawberry and nut concoction. He smiled nervously at the heated response from the now sticky and indignant pedestrian and dashed inside, making the bell over the door jangle wildly.

. It establishes his character, and how he gets into the bowler hat race...

Just two things I might suggest. One is, why not have Grace and Anthony's names at the beginning? Then we know who they are right away, instead of about a paragraph and a half later.

Then, you could do some polishing. My english teachers always call it "show don't tell". Have you ever heard that? Well, here's an example from your story:

Grace gasped as Anthony raced past her, followed by the now puffing gentleman. She put a hand over her mouth and watched them with wide eyes.
Oh my...what has he done now? She wondered.

You described how Grace was reacting to the situation instead of actually saying "she was horrified/embarrassed/etc...". That's 'showing'. There are some places where you could sneak this kind of thing in, like when the gentleman stands 'looking perplexed', why not show us?

Heh. I wouldn't say a word on spelling--the formatting has gone haywire...

Well, I thoroughly enjoyed it! This is very entertaining--the simplicity makes it really charming and fun to read! Thank you.

~Jacquie~

“Ok Grace, I guess I will” he said resignedly and wandered off down an isle, the bowler still atop his head.

isle should be aisle

The persuers face got even redder, and he set off in hot pursuit.

persuers = pursuers

I have to agree with J.Haux on the title. This was short and sweet and Anthony is so silly.