Foreshame

Damned upon this soil
Rotting and gnawing
Torn between involuntary spasms of pleading
Pleading and decieving
For what would i plead for in the soulless vows
Of the empty eyed bore
Yet in this i find my peace
My restless peace
However blessed he is that would rest here
Would not be so quick to stay
Tormented are the dreams that lay so close
To the unopened mind
Quarreling amongst those who would forsake them
So twisted a collaboration
That leeches inside those
Who would dare allow entrance to those dreams
And i am one with it all

Hi ladyworkz!

I have to say, I don't really have any overwhelming feelings towards this poem. I think it's quite full of emotion, but it doesn't impact so well on the reader - there's little that makes the reader relate to the narrator so it's hard to sympathise with them.

I like this line:-

Tormented are the dreams that lay so close
To the unopened mind

I just like the philosophical-ness of it, and the syntax is interesting in a good way

But one of the things that bugs me a tad at the beginning is the repetition of some words, particularly 'plead' (Three times in the first five lines...!) I think finding some other words to replace the repetition would be a good first move to improve this piece

~Dashka

Hi,

Okay, the first thing you should do is proof-read. Capitalize your eyes, add some punctuation. I agree with Kid that you should eliminate repetition. Plead and also I would eliminate peace used twice in two lines as well. Tranquility, harmony, there are many good words that mean the same thing as peace. If you need to, use an online thesaurus to look up some spanking (thesaurus word) words. Overall, nice job. I like the deepness of your poem!

Sarebear

You are a great writer you really reach deep into your thoughts and put your best into your work... looking forward to reading more of your work.

thank you for the comments. more would be appreciated.

Er... this is real depressing, but cool emotion.

Hi there Lady!

I definitely agree that you need to proofread; Lowercase "I's" are completely unnecessary and definitely distract the reader. As for the actual idea behind this poem, I'm having trouble figuring out what you intended to portray here. It just seems like a random jumble of adjectives and nouns that create some shady half-hint towards something more important. Clarity isn't always a good thing--sometimes it's cool to have questions--but here I think it would do you a lot of good.

Hope I could help.

-Knightley