Forever & Always

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I awoke with a start, panic filling my body.

The bus turned a corner, jolting me forward in the seat a little. I sat back, trying to relax my body as I realized that nothing major - nothing bad - had happened. Looking out the window, I tried to establish where we were. I was thankful no-one had chosen to sit by me for the five hour journey. I had been freaking out for the two days, an emotional wreck.
The bus groaned to a stop, the doors opening. The driver said something about a fifteen minute coffee break. I seized the opportunity to get off, racing towards the exit. It felt like the bus was about to collapse on me.

We were at a small gas station, with only a couple of pumps. I went inside the tiny blue building, grabbing a bottle of water and a muesli bar. There was a bench on the opposite side of the building, and I sat down, stretching my aching legs out before me. My view consisted of green fields and cows. Lots of cows. Sighing, I closed my eyes. My left leg ached painfully under my black jeans, and I tried the breathing exercises I was supposed to do every time it hurt.

Feeling a little better, I opened my eyes and unwrapped the bar. In the corner of my eye I could see the grey metal heap that was the Greyhound bus. The sun glared off the sides, causing me to squint. It didn’t look very safe. In fact, it looked as if the whole thing could fall apart at any moment.

Thoughts raced through my mind. So many things could go wrong with a bus that was as old as my Grandma. The brakes could fail, and we’d end up in a scene from Speed. Other cars could ram into us, pushing the bus off the road. I remembered something I had read on Google the other week. Statistically, 23% of all motor-related incidents occur on Saturdays between the hours of noon and three o’clock in the afternoon. I looked at my watch. It was only one-thirty pm.

I turned away, the sick feeling returning in my stomach. I hadn’t wanted to take this route in the first place. Though it had been my idea to go live with my father, it had been my mother’s idea for me to take the Greyhound cross-country from California. What had ever possessed her to place her physically and emotionally traumatized daughter on a bus for two days, I was still trying to figure out. According to her, flying me across to New Hampshire would be too expensive, even if it meant less physical pain for me. I had a feeling she still hadn’t gotten over the hospital bills.
I pushed those thoughts away. The reason I was going to live with Dad in New Hampshire was so I wouldn’t have to think about the last five months.

The bus driver called all passengers for New Hanover back to the bus. I sighed, standing up reluctantly. My leg was still aching, but at least I could stretch it out on the adjacent seat to me. It was barely full, everyone scattered on various seats. Two children sat on the first two seats, both engrossed in the little portable DVD players that sat on their laps. A man slept with a newspaper spread across his legs. A little old lady with curly gray hair looked up from her knitting as I walked past, giving me a small toothy grin. Sitting back in my original seat, I prayed that we'd soon reach New Hanover and this journey would be over.
I will eviscerate you in fiction. Every pimple, every character flaw. I was naked for a day; you will be naked for eternity.
Chaucer, A Knight's Tale

Deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.
Oscar Wilde




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Hey there! Esther Sylvester here for a review.



Good job here. This piece is a little short, but the description is lovely and the flow is good. I see the makings of a good story here. I think the way you captured the anxieties of the character is believable and interesting. The only issue I see is that you while you have immersed us in a vivid world, you haven't given us a solid hook. We know where the main character is going, but do we care? Make sure to give the readers a reason to stick around; you and the reader will be rewarded.

NITPICK:

In the corner of my eye I could see the grey metal heap that was the Greyhound bus.


Now, this line is a little unfitting. I don't think Greyhound busses can be called "grey metal heaps". Try to describe it in a more fitting and more original way.

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Overall, excellent! I ate this right up. For the moment, your only real issue is your lack of a grabbing hook. Just give the readers something to stick to and they will, because your prose so far is very good. Keep it up.
It's writing prompt week on my blog a very random pickle!:
http://veryrandompickle.blogspot.com/




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Firstly, thank you for the review!! It is greatly appreciated. I agree with you about that hook. Reading it over, I feel that there is something missing, but I'm not so sure what just yet. But I'm glad that you noticed it, and it wasn't just me. In regards to that, I may have a solution, which is the prologue I posted on here just as a short story. I'm having a bit of trouble attaching it to the novel itself, but maybe this is the missing hook I need to capture the reader to begin with, that general, "This is why my MC is on a bus". The link to it is http://www.youngwriterssociety.compost701815.html#p701815. Once again thank you for the review!
I will eviscerate you in fiction. Every pimple, every character flaw. I was naked for a day; you will be naked for eternity.
Chaucer, A Knight's Tale

Deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.
Oscar Wilde



Follow your inner moonlight; don't hide the madness
— Allen Ginsburg