This Lie

They cower
as I stalk past
the power
that is mine at last.
They mutter hello
but don’t meet my eyes
and though I know
they muffle the cries.
The old, the weak
the sick and young
their prospects bleak
their songs unsung.
One small girl
comes up to try
and speak but all
she says is “why?”
Her parents sob
convinced she’ll die
but I kneel down to hand
that little girl
the end of
this lie.

Hey there. OK, so this was a decent poem, but there were a couple of things that just bugged me a little. You're pretty consistent with your rhyme scheme until the end, where it starts to break in the last couple of lines. Also, I'm curious about who this person is who's speaking in the poem, and what exactly is going on? Could you expand?
Keep writing,
~StoryWeaver

Hiya,

So, I didn't want to like this poem but somehow it sort of rubbed off on me. Maybe it has to do with the rhyme scheme? It's extraordinarily catchy and keeps the reader locked in from beginning to end. It seems silly, almost, like something that would be read to a kid at a nursery. I would normally leave it be, but here you've hinted at somewhat of a dark and vague topic, and it sees as if I'm focusing more on the upbeat rhyme then the actual content of this poem.

First, you never really tell us what exactly this power, this lie really is. You may want to shroud the thing would a cloud of mystery and thus make it seem more powerful, but here, it isn't working.

They cower
as I walk past
the power
that is mine at last.
They mutter hello
but don’t meet my eyes
and though I know
they muffle the cries.

This opening bit doesn't have the powerful, profound effect that I think it's supposed to have, simply for the reasons that I mentioned above. If we don't know what's going on,how are we supposed to relate to both how the passers-by feel, why they cower in fear, to what the narrator has?

This seems like it was written in a flash, like you had a vague image in your head and decided to express it a bunch of random, pretty words. You may know everything about the poem and the message, but the reader doesn't. While it's good to be subtle, right now you're being too subtle. Slow down for a minute and plan this out. Figure out exactly who your narrator is, and the reader will get the message.

-Elinor x

I'm confused...What exactly is happening here? Who is talking? This seems like a great start to a poem, but it's way too simplistic. The rhyme scheme was pretty consistent though.

Hmm, this poem does make me wonder what the poem is exactly about.

The way it's set out does not blend well while reading it, as the amount of syllables and the length of the lines are random, and dont keep up a consistent rhythem that makes it intresting to read.

Now reading it, I can only suppose your saying the poem as a doctor, going down the corridor, and into the girls room who's ill?

Anyway, next time you write a poem, concentrate on the sound and fluency of the poem instead of just aiming to be different and rhyme. If you TRY to make it different, and go TOO FAR out of the box, it wont work.

Just a note

Anywho, keep on writing, and try to make improvements!



Anywho,

Allthrough, I liked this poem, and the rhymes were very promising.
Though as others said above, I never understood what it was all about, what "LIE" are you talking about and who is "I" it's confusing. But i think if you just expanded the poem a little it can be real good.

Hugs and Hearts from // Sagaa

Although I found this poem good.
I dear say beginning and last need to separate
and there should be a new start at last.

What i'm saying if you don't get the ending was fine the beginning I was not to ecstatic about.