Irony

Pain clouds every inch of my brain
tears fears lies through the years
flow through my veins.Its a shame
that i remain the same half sane
all the songs that Ive sang still
left me in the rain.

ltaylor2010 wrote:Pain clouds every inch of my brain
tears fears lies through the years
flow through my veins.Its a shame
that i remain the same half sane
all the songs that Ive sang still
left me in the rain.

Hi! welcome to YWS, its good to see you posting your own stuff already

The first thing I noticed about this is the format. You haven't used any punctuation which is vital for this piece! If you have a look around the forum, you'll see that most poems lines finish with a comma or a fullstop. Also, on the third line there's a fullstop in the middle, I don't think this works!

More postively, I like the metaphor you've used, very creative! My favourite was "pain clouds every inch of my brain." It really made me think and imagine the writer's feelings.
However, this was the only time I could relate to the feelings. Maybe it's just me, but I didn't feel any passion in this. It was a little bit cliched and some of the phrases were somewhat generic. Maybe invent your own metaphors and similes to create into phrases and sayings! After all, in my opinion, the greatest writer of all Shakespeare created loads of new vocabulary and sayings that we still use today! Just experiment...

Hoped this helped a bit!
Keep posting your work, would love to see more.

Helen

ltaylor2010 wrote:Pain clouds every inch of my brain
tears fears lies through the years
flow through my veins.Its a shame
that i remain the same half sane
all the songs that Ive sang still
left me in the rain.

Hello there!

I noticed that you lack some punctuations (?) or sometimes I read it as two sentences, joined together, edited in some way... like that. A little editing, perhaps, will make it better.

Keep it up, I know you can do more and better posts. Enjoy your stay here.

Hey there. Nice to know that i'm not the only new person! Any-who I see a few punctuation errors. I like this but you also forgot to capitalize your "I"s. They can be annoying.

Hello there and welcome!
So, I noticed that you were able to put a lot of emotion in there and I actually liked this poem a lot. But I agree with ladypurple and darkangel when they say you need to watch out for some punctuation errors; but maybe the way you wrote your poem is a poetic gesture, I don't know. Aside from that, I liked the flow of words and you did a pretty good job. Looking for more works from you.

Ziggie

ltaylor2010 wrote:Pain clouds every inch of my brain
tears fears lies through the years
flow through my veins.Its a shame
that i remain the same half sane
all the songs that Ive sang still
left me in the rain.

I'm new too.

I agree that there is a lack of punctuation. However I see lots of creative potential. I also like the first line; I can imagine the feeling. Good imagery.