Soneto

You amount everything to the future

Con ojos abiertos y una boca (with open eyes and a mouth)

A little too wide open, mind too pure

Estas perdido con lo que te enfocas (you're lost with what you focus on)


When you’re overwhelmed by today’s stresses,

Y el mundo ahora te pone en una (and the world now puts you in a)

Flustered state, against your shoulders

Ojos no en el piso, sino la luna (eyes not on the floor rather the moon)


The solution to any current problem

Es cerrar tus ojos, no, bebe, sonar (is close your eyes, no, baby, dream

Because dreams save us from reality’s slum

Sofocando en que quieremos escapar (suffocating on what we want to escape from)


Espero que cuando te abras tus ojos (I hope that wehn you open your eyes)

You take in your surroundings, what you hate most.

why would you alternate between the two? I mean it serves no purpose other than minor annoyance. Sorry. =p but it's abrupt.

This is a very unique and interesting poem, both because you used two languages and because of the topic you chose to write about. Just now I looked back (because the first time I just kind of skimmed over the Spanish and read the English translations) and I saw that it rhymed! That's neat! Anyway, I liked this poem, particularly the line:

tgolden0 wrote:
Es cerrar tus ojos, no, bebe, sonar (is close your eyes, no, baby, dream

So keep writing poems like this one and I'll keep reading them!

~Amylith

The Spanish really doesn't bring in anything. Mostly it just interrupts flow, and there's also the fact that nothing is quite so distracting from a poem as little translations in parentheses.
The message in that poem is nice, but could bear with a little more exploring.
Also, this

Flustered state, against your shoulders
Ojos no en el piso, sino la luna (eyes not on the floor rather the moon)

doesn't seem to make any sense. But maybe that's just me?
If you want to use Spanish in the future, consider doing it at a point where it gives a certain twist to the poem, or bears some significance.

So, I thought I'd give my two cents worth here. I like Spanish, I understand it - it's a beautiful language. I would love to be able to read poetry in Spanish - and this half-mix was an intriguing idea. It's meant for a Spanish-English speaking audience and I'm fine with that. Like Jagged, I'm just a wee bit curious as to the purpose of using the language in terms of what it adds to theme or character - I mean, yes, it looks nice, but was there a wider purpose? Unless of course the person to whom it's addressed also speaks or is Spanish. In which case, it makes perfect sense. And even if it doesn't, it adds to the mystery, the elusiveness.

What really, really annoyed me was the way you gave translations in brackets. Please remove them. People who understand Spanish will read on. Those that won't will stop. There's no point in ruining the beauty of the words by tossing in translations which interrupt the flow, and just look clunky. If you're really wanting people - all people - to understand the poem, put one version with the Spanish lines and one without, one after the other. Do not combine them - that's just annoying.

And the line 'eyes not on the floor rather the moon' - that was marvellous.

Hey tgolden!

I voted "kind of." That is, I really love Spanish in poetry. I do! Spanish poetry is what brought me into poetry in the first place! However, I like Navita, thought that the brackets kind of killed it.

Also, what killed it for me especially was the lack of intimacy... I don't know. When I see a mix of languages together like this, I kind of want to imagine an intimate setting where one language totally fails so that the languages bounce back an forth in an intimate, conversational manner. But this didn't. So, instead of going in a expected one line Spanish, the other line English, mix it up a little. Be intimate. It'll be that much better.

Thanks for the responses guys!
I loved what you all had to say...
yeah, I can see how the translations are annoying but I had to put them somewhere! : /
but yeah ill fix that in the future

and the one shoulder thing?
i think that may have been a typo when i copied it over because youre right i have no idea what I meant by that.. it escapes me what my thought was with that so I have a feeling it could have been an accident...

Anyways, yes, the person who I was thinking of does speak Spanish but I also mixed it because it resembles my identity in a way as a poet (I'm of hispanic background but I was born in the US).

And yes, about Spanish poetry. I love it, too! It's just crazy hard to interpret bc its usually written in like... ageee olddd kind.. or else ridiculous Spain kind.. but yeah. Marquez, too.. But I haven't really seen much of his poetry.. more short stories.. but yeah..

so thanks again! mb ill post more? haha, i feel bad-- you guys are all so dedicated and I like...had to do this for an assignment.. But thanks!