Vampyre

This is just a short little thing that I wrote because I was bored. Don't worry, you aren't missing anything- this is all there is to this story.
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Her charcoal hair blew gently across her pale skin in the breeze. The park was poorly lit, so it was hard to make out much detail about her, or see very much colour. I approached her, holding my lantern up higher, trying to get a better look. I called out, asking if she was okay, or if she needed any help, but there was no response. When I was only feet away, I saw an oxblood red liquid trickle down her neck and stain her pearl white dress on the sleeve, which was lying right beside her head.

She was dead, I knew, but I was pulled toward her none the less. Her mouth was open in a silent scream, and her eyes stared straight up at the black sky above. Her eyes were completely black, as if someone had spilled ink in them. At first I thought it was just too hard to see the colour and white in the dark, but holding my lantern up to her face, I saw that there was no colour or white.

She was absolutely gorgeous.

I glanced over my shoulder, but the park was silent and still. I tapped my pocket, but it was empty, meaning I had left my cell phone at home. I looked back down at the woman and froze. Her mouth was closed. I was sure it had been open seconds before, but it was now closed, hiding her perfect white teeth. I leaned over her, frozen, for minutes. I had almost convinced myself that I was going crazy when the woman’s mouth snapped open, revealing a pair of sharp fangs. A hiss escaped from her throat and, with lightening speed, she grabbed me around the back and lunged at my throat. I felt her teeth sink in, then pain. Unbelievable pain as I felt the order of my circulating blood be disturbed and it all rushed to that point in my neck where the woman was clamped firmly on me.

I tried to scream, but I looked in her eyes, and the scream died before it came. Those ebony eyes seemed to stare into my soul. My mouth opened a little, gasping for air. I was struck with a sudden dizziness, and the woman dropped me. Everything turned black before I hit the ground and came to rest in the emerald grass.

...

Well, this was mildly to moderately to severely awesome. I actually have no nitpicks. Shocker, ain't it?

Inner Author: Pft. No one can go without any nitpicks.
Me: Wanna bet?
IA: How much?
Me: Your character's life.
IA: Deal!
Me: Now, shall we do stabbing? Sickness? Yeah, let's go with stabbing...
IA: What?! NO!!
Me: Jay-kay!
IA: I hate you soooo much.
Me: Let's try and get that self esteem up, shall we?
IA: '-.-

Right then. I do think this was much too short. Stories this epically proportioned should not come in such small portions. I will be on the lookout for updates.

Comments in red.

DisturbedDisorder wrote:This is just a short little thing that I wrote because I was bored. Don't worry, you aren't missing anything- this is all there is to this story.
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Her charcoal hair blew gently across her pale skin in the breeze. So many adjectives and adverbs in one sentence. The total count is three - two adjectives and one adverb. And that's in a twelve-word sentence. That's a lot for such a short sentence. The park was poorly lit, so it was hard to make out much detail about her "Much detail about her" is awkward. Revise., or see very much colour I don't know about this last part either. It's kinda stilted. Not so much, just a bit.. I approached her, holding my lantern up higher, At this point I questioned whether or not the park was truly lit or if the lamp was the one lighting up the area. At first I thought there were street lamps, but then you said the MC was carrying a lamp. Now if there were street lamps, why the heck would the MC be carrying a lamp? And if you meant that there were no street lamps, then you might want to revise the earlier statement about the park being poorly lit. trying to get a better look. I called out, asking if she was okay, or if she needed any help So she looked injured, or was lying on the floor or something? Why does he think she need help? Makes no sense unless you give us a reason., but there was no response. When I was only feet away Since I've said a while ago that it can only either be one - he's holding a street lamp or there's street lights - then his lamp would have to be pretty bright for him to see her from more than a few feet away, which contradicts with "poorly lit". Clarify this., I saw an oxblood red liquid I don't get why there's two adjectives for one noun, but I'll let that pass. However, "oxblood" destroyed the flow of the sentence so you want to get rid of it. trickle down her neck and stain her pearl white At this point I think it would be safe to diagnose this piece with adjectivitis. You used two adjectives for a single noun again. Try to find other ways to describe things. Also, why did he ask whether or not she was okay before seeing this? It makes little sense, unless he's psychic and knew beforehand. dress on the sleeve, which was lying right beside her head. Wait wait wait. What? Her sleeve lay right beside her head? My imagination fails me. Describe this in more detail, because it sounds gruesome and you want us to feel that. And if it's not gruesome then the last bit is misplaced modifier.

She was dead, I knew, Okay. Unless dead people walking around is a normal thing in this world, ANYONE would panic when put in this situation. Unless they're also used to seeing dead people. So you might want to explain to us why your MC remains calm through this experience. but I was pulled toward her none the less. This smells of necrophilia because you brought to our attention the fact that she was dead. Which sort of creeps us out. But I think the creepy factor is a nice change from the normal mushy vampire story, so yeah. ^^ Her mouth was open in a silent scream Silent scream is an overused phrase. Try another way of saying her mouth was hanging open., and her eyes stared straight up at the black sky above. So she faces up, right? Her eyes were completely black Watch the repetition of the word black. Also, since she's facing up, how the heck can he see her eye color? Especially since the lighting is dim, which worsens everything. If you look at a person straight-on, and they're watching the sky (which means their heads are tilted up), you might see their nostrils but you won't see much of their eyes., as if someone had spilled ink in them. I kind of like the last part of this sentence. At first I thought it was just too hard to see the colour and white in the dark White isn't hard to see in dim light, actually., but holding my lantern up to her face, I saw that there was no colour or white. This last part is ultra-awkward. Revise.

She was absolutely gorgeous. A little weird unless he knows she's the living dead.

I glanced over my shoulder, but the park was silent and still. I tapped my pocket I don't really like the same sentence pattern twice in a row, so maybe you can revise this second one?, but it was empty, meaning I had left my cell phone at home. Cellphone. Meaning this is set in modern times. All the while I thought this was a Victorian era story. If this is set in modern times, WHY is he lugging a lantern around? Why isn't it a flashlight? Hell, why isn't he just using his cellphone to light up the path? Why is he even bringing a flashlight or a lantern around? More on this later. I looked back down Down? Meaning he's a lot taller than her and he's pretty close to her. That's the only way he can look down at her at this point. at the woman and froze. Her mouth was closed. I was sure it had been open seconds before, but it was now closed There's a better way of phrasing that, I'm sure of it. It's pretty weak right now., hiding her perfect white teeth There we go with the double adjectives again.. I leaned over her, frozen, for minutes. Leaned over her? I think I'm finally getting this. She's lying on the ground, isn't she? But this brings up new problems too. I'll tackle that later. I had almost convinced myself that I was going crazy What, because her mouth was closed? You mean he didn't know she was a zombie or vampire? That changes a lot again. More on this later. when the woman’s mouth snapped open Snapped open is kind of hard for me to imagine, but I'll let it pass., revealing a pair of sharp fangs. A hiss escaped from her throat I don't think you can hiss with an open mouth. I tried to and failed. and, with lightning speed, she grabbed me around the back and lunged at my throat. Clarify the grabbed me around the back part, because I can't really imagine it. And she doesn't have to lunge for his throat if she's already got him in her arms. I felt her teeth sink in, then pain. I'd imagine both to come at the same time. oo Unbelievable pain as I felt the order of my circulating blood be disturbed Weird. You feel the order of your blood circulating? Oo Very weird way of phrasing it, though I think I get your gist. and it all rushed to that point in my neck where the woman was clamped firmly on me. I don't like the last part of this sentence. It's clunky and it's awkward. Revise.

I tried to scream but I looked in her eyes For him to be able to look in her eyes while she's biting him from behind, she'd have to have a giant head. That way he can look at her. It's the only way I can think of., and the scream died before it came. Those ebony eyes seemed to stare into my soul. I think I should be a little more afraid at this point, but I'm not. My mouth opened a little, gasping for air. I was struck with a sudden dizziness, and the woman dropped me. If your MC/narrator is dizzy, it should be reflected in the work. He seems to be in excellent mental condition in these sentences, and aside from telling us he's dizzy you don't really show us how. Everything turned black before I hit the ground and came to rest in the emerald grass. That's odd. If everything turned black then why does he know he hit the ground and landed on emerald green grass?

Final thoughts:

Lots of this would focus on the logical flaws here.

First - you didn't make it clear that the woman was lying down, thus accounting for plenty of confusion in the earlier part of my review. Also, if she was lying down, why would he even bother to call out to her? The natural reaction for a person would be to either run to the person's side to see if they're all right, ignore the person or call for help at once. Second, if she's lying down then how come he can describe so much about her without being close? Especially since the light is dim?

Now, about the lighting. It's EXTREMELY odd that he's carrying a lantern and not a flashlight or a cellphone. I know a handful of people who use their cellphones/iPods as on-the-spot flashlights. Also, if he's carrying a flashlight, something must have happened beforehand for him to wandering around the park carrying a flashlight. And you're insistent on him carrying a lantern, you better provide a really good reason for it. One more thing - why aren't there lamps lining the park?

His vision must be extraordinary for him to have described her in such detail in the dim light. And now that I understand the angle he's watching her from, it makes everything a lot less plausible. He needs to be pretty close before he can actually describe her as well as he did. But since he "approached" her early on, I assume he was quite a way from her when he first described her. So how did he do this? He's looking at her from an angle so he can't really tell. Try to get someone to lie down on the floor while you stand some distance away from them to get a sense of what things you can and can't describe.

Next. I don't really know how old your MC is but I'll let it pass. We get a good feel of his character given how short this piece is, but your word choice and the way you describe the girl seems almost obsessive and borders on necrophilia. He sees a dead body and the first thing he thinks is: gorgeous. He doesn't run to get help, doesn't scream and scramble away at once to seek assistance. He stands there, quite calmly, studies her, mentions how beautiful she is despite the blood and taps his pocket to find out his phone isn't there. (By the way, now that I think about it, wouldn't the weightlessness of his pocket tell him his phone isn't there?) You might want to fix that part since it's somewhat unbelievable.

It would be nice if you could clarify a few things as well, since some parts of it are really vague and not in a good way. In a few places it adds a sense of mystery, but in others it makes things weird. Like the part about the head and the sleeve (I can't get it to work in my head whether or not she's lying down) and the part about her grabbing him from behind.

It's pretty obvious up there that I was incredibly confused about the setting in the beginning. I commented on it as I read, so you can clearly see how I thought she was standing up and not lying down. I automatically assumed so because of the way you described her. Also, I thought this was set in the Victorian era because of the lantern. Make your setting (and the positions of the characters) clear.

The fear factor is pretty weak. You can amp it up somewhat by adding in a few thoughts here and there. Your character is still quite calm towards the end (in his thoughts). It's kind of strange that he didn't really struggle against her. I understand she's more powerful and she's supernatural and really freaky, but not through any of your showing. You should let me feel the character's attempts to push her away.

Cut the adjectives. There's way too many of them in this piece. I can forgive a handful, but that many?! Nooo. It's like taking the easy way out. Find other ways to describe them. Also, most of your descriptions are visual. I'd like you to use the other senses as well - how does the weather feel that night? Are there any other sounds in the park? What does the air smell of?

Anyway, those were my two cents. PM me if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

Kara

I really don't think there's much to say besides wow! Absolutely wow! I loved it! This was wonderful, and dfinitely a twist on the more mainstream vampyre stories. Plus, you used my favorite way of spelling vampyre! ^^ Although, I did read most of Kara Hargreaves's critique and I understood what she was saying. You did have some repition and you do need to show how you character was dizzy, instead of just telling. Also, you might clarify a couple things. Other than that though, I didn't find much of anything wrong. Keep writing! ^^

-LisaMCooper

This was pretty good. I liked it. About the whole lantern, cellphone dill...you should probably make the lantern a flash light? Then again why would someone be carring a flash light around? Oh, it could be a small light on the MCs keychain...I have one of those. Just shooting out an idea. I agree with Kara on the whole street light part. Oh and I felt like you should add more to it. Like what the MC was doing in a park at night...I don't know. It was just to short. Besides that, keep writing your good and it was good!

- Justis

Wow good, definitely one of the better vampire stories I have read on here. At first I was confused by the whole lantern and cellphone bit. Than I realized you might be from a a region that calls flashlights,lanterns. Anyways this was good, keep it up.

Awesome! I'm sick of seeing stupid fantasies about romantic and oh-so-selfless vampires! I love you for this!
*ahem*
Anyway. I couldn't help thinking that the narrating character was a woman. Was she? Or he?
Also, why did she/he apparently not care that she had found a dead person? Especially since the body was so strange? I mean, inky black eyes? I've seen CSI, and that is definitely not normal for a corpse.
For a moment, I thought that the narrator had stumbled upon a victim, not the vampire itself, and if this was a movie, the bit where she jumps up and bites the narrator would have made me jump out of my seat. Great job.
Also, in the first paragraph... what is "oxblood red" exactly?? I've never heard anyone use that expression before. Bit silly sounding if you ask me. No offense.
Thanks for biting me!
papersolstice

Thanks everyone for the compliments ^^
Kara, your comment was long, but very helpful. Thank you!
I wrote this for my teacher because she complained that my writing didn't have enough description, so I was kind of over-exaggerating it, which is why there were so many adjectives.
And btw, just because someone asked, "oxblood red" is a shade of red. My teacher told me that just saying a basic colour was too boring, so I should specify which shade. I really had nothing else to put

Love ya allz