Spiraling Staircase

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***Um...not quite sure what to think of this one...O.o

Alone in a house
With no rooms and no doors
No walls and no windows
No roof and no floors
There's a mouse
And a suitcase
A letter in ink
A plantless urn vase
A broken car -
Undrank drink.
And alone in this place
The little mouse sits
To wait for the man
Of whom the suit fits
Though he'll never return
To finish his drink
For he's climbed up the staircase
To Heaven
I think.
And in the urn ashes
Are blown into the wind
Forgotten the times
In which this man sinn'd
The unopened letter
Reads "how do you do?"
But I doubt he will answer -
Honestly, do you?
And poor Mr. John Doe
Name forgotten with time
For memory leaves no reason
And therefore no rhyme.
And so leaves the man
And the mouse too dies,
And the birds he once fed
All take to the skies.
Up...
the spiraling staircase
he climbs.
Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another. ~Lemony Snicket




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Hey StoryWeaver!

Wow. well it's been a while since I've reviewed anything but here it goes! Oh, and my interpretation of this poem may be COMPLETELY different from what you saw it as. If so, and I've completely decimated your work, I apologise, but that's one of the beauties of poetry!

I liked this poem. I liked the rhyme and the depth to it. I think it was only scratching the surface of something beautiful though. I think, as I was reading, I expected more then was presented. I don't mean that it wasn't good, because it was brilliant, but i think I would have liked more of an explanation as to why you chose to describe the room as having no door. The beginning just set me up for a different kind of poem then what I got is what I'm trying to say.

Alone in a house
With no rooms and no doors
No walls and no windows
No roof and no floors
There's a mouse
And a suitcase
A letter in ink
A plantless urn vase
A broken car -
Undrank drink.


In this section of the poem I Loved the explanation of the house with no door. Thought that was very cool! but I saw the mouse as kind of a metaphor at the start. Like, Maybe the mouse was a person waiting for some else to come that never could because there is no door for them to come in through. As I read it through a second and third time, though, I started to see the mouse as the man's only friend. But in taking that train of thought, the mystery of the house with no door was lost to me.

Also, Undrank drink feels a little clumsy to me. I'm not sure if you could change that in any way, so if you can't, just ignore me ;)

Towards the end it felt like you began to lose it a little bit. Lines like:

For he's climbed up the staircase
To Heaven
I think.


And,

But I doubt he will answer -
Honestly, do you?


Feel as if they've been shoved in just to fit with the poem.

And so leaves the man
And the mouse too dies,
And the birds he once fed
All take to the skies.
Up...
the spiraling staircase
he climbs.


The Ending is quite beautiful! I wouldn't introduce the birds here, simply because it's the end of the poem and there is no relation to the birds any where else. It works nicely, just seems a little random. I really like how it relates back to this mysterious connection between the man and this mouse right at the end. Makes it feel really well rounded and pulled together. I also like how it drifts off on the last three lines. They kind of break the pattern. It's cool!

Freaking AWESOME job! Love it!
'The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, The more I will respect myself' - Jane Eyre, Charlotte Brontë.




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Undrank drink.

Should be "undrunk". Easiest way to keep it straight is that you say "that drink was not drunk" and not "that drink was not drank".

In which this man sinn'd

I'd just write it out "sinned". There are no other contracted words, so it struck me as a bit out of place.

The one thing this poem could really benefit from is more punctuation (something I seem to say all the time). As is, I stumbled over a number of lines which, when I added some punctuation in, didn't trip me up again. Also, this poem is a bit confusing with all the run-ons, and punctuation would help in that regard, as well.

Punctuation aside, I liked how simple yet vivid the imagery in this was. The lines about how the man had climbed up the staircase to heaven were my favorite. I also liked the rhyme scheme you had going; it was subtle and didn't feel forced. I would suggest maybe dividing this up into stanzas, though, to give this poem more of an impact (it's easier to appreciate each element of something if each element is made distinct in some way) and to signal changes in the rhyming pattern.

Overall, though, I really enjoyed this poem.
Secretly a Kyllorac, sometimes a Murtle.
There are no chickens in Hyrule.
Princessence: A LMS Project
WRFF | KotGR




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First of all favorite line is the twist on rhyme or reason. Delightful...simply delightful. I personally loved this poem and believe that all writers who believe in what they are writing have the right to change words or even make up words as to their liking.

On another note, i noticed at the top of your piece that you "supposedly" didn't know what to think of this...HAHAHA please.....modesty is for athletes who are on steroids. This poem was GENIUS and i am quite sure you know this.

Wonderful poem. Keep it up!




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Wow, this was such a beautiful poem! It had a simple rythm which made it pretty
to read but also interesting, here are my critiques, the things I liked should be in blue and the CONSTRUCTIVE critisism in red (if you don't agree, dont change it, I love it how it is anyway!)

Alone in a house
With no rooms and no doors
No walls and no windows
No roof and no floors (the rhym just made it so pretty, and I loved the imagery)
There's a mouse
And a suitcase
A letter in ink
A plantless urn vase
A broken car -
Undrank drink. (the undrank drink kind of broke the rythm for me...I know you can't say And an undrank(undrunk?)drink but maybe try to make it fit somehow?)
And alone in this place
The little mouse sits
To wait for the man
Of whom the suit fits (loved this image!! although not sure the of makes sense..)
Though he'll never return
To finish his drink (sad)
For he's climbed up the staircase
To Heaven
I think. (have to disagree with BeckFletch here, I liked this)
And in the urn, ashes
Are blown into the wind
Forgotten the times
In which this man sinn'd
The unopened letter
Reads "how do you do?"
But I doubt he will answer -
Honestly, do you? (I also liked this, but sad again!)
And poor Mr. John Doe
Name forgotten with time
For memory leaves no reason
And therefore no rhyme. (beautiful)
And so leaves the man
And the mouse too dies,
And the birds he once fed
All take to the skies.
Up... (I like how this connects with before and after)
the spiraling staircase
he climbs.


So now that I've seen my critiques, I actually loved all of your poem except for the
"undrank drink" part, and even for that I loved the idea of it, it just broke up the rythm. Hope this helps, if you have any questions or you don't agree with me and you want to explain why you can PM me. :)
Xoxo
T
This is what we do. Lift our eyes to the snarl and smile of the world once more.With love: the passionate search for a truth other than our own. With longing: the pure, ineffable yearning to be saved. For so long as fate keeps waiting, we live on. God help us. God forgive us. We live on. - Shantaram



Who knew Kansas City had its own branch of the Yakuza?
— Jason Sudeikis