Reality Cinema

The night sky was clear and still. The city was quiet but for the occasional bang from a car horn or shout from an angry lone pedestrian. Atop one of the buildings sat two young boys; teenagers to be exact, one had red hair, the other had blond. Both boys were sitting at the edge of the roof with their feet dangling lazily over the side and were facing a much larger skyscraper. Between them they had an assortment of sweets drinks and popcorn that looked just recently bought. The red haired boy was slowly eating a large popcorn while the blond was going through his drink at an equally slow pace.

"What's going on tonight?" said the red haired boy, his eyes slowly moving across the skyscraper ahead of them.

The bond stops drinking, "err, lets see we have..." he quickly looks around at both the skyscraper and the street below, "...we have a homeless guy looking like he's about to get mugged by some idiots, we have a prostitute doing her business with some old looking guy in a suit and err oh a domestic dispute".

The red haired boy was silent in thought for a long time but finally said "lets watch the domestic dispute, the rest sound boring".

"Yeah" the blond said smiling.

Across from them in the skyscraper a man and woman who appear to be somewhere in their thirties were having a loud argument. Although the boys could not hear what the couple were shouting they were enjoying watching it just the same. The couple were circling each other around a small tan coloured leather couch, looking like they were screaming at each other at the top of their lungs and occasionally pointing at each other in an accusatory manner.

The boys had resumed their devouring of popcorn and drinking their juice, watching the couple intensely as if daring the couple to get worse. The couple, as if reading the boys' desire behind their unnoticed stares, grew in their row and the man grabbed the nearest object and threw it at the woman. The object the man threw missed the woman but by mere inches and shattered against the wall. The red haired boy immediately threw a handful of his popcorn in the couples' direction shouting, "hey lady are you gonna take that!?" the woman retaliated by doing the same to the man, only this time the object thrown hit its mark and the man fell to the floor. Both boys raised their arms in joy, screaming "YES!!" in triumph at the top of their lungs.

The woman watches in horror as the man lays on the ground, blood forming on the side of his face.

"Is that it?" asked the red haired boy, sounding disappointed. The man then slowly gets off the floor of his apartment and the disappointment disappears from his face. The woman now looks fearful as she watched the man get to his feet. The man turned to the woman then slowly walked to her, she backs away but couldn't go to far until she was against the wall, then man continued to get closer to her until they were inches apart.

The boys were watching in complete anticipation as the man and woman stared at each other; the woman a fear, the man in rage. "Come on, hit hr come one" murmured the blond boy, leaning forward slightly. The man out of nowhere grabbed the woman by the neck and threw her to the ground, then climbed on top of her and begins to strangle her. "Go on man, go for it!" shouted both boys smiling happily. The strangling continued for only a few more seconds then stops and he slowly got off her wearing the same expression the woman had earlier; he was scared. He ran everywhere unsure of what to do.

"Well this entertainment seems to be over" said the red haired boy disappointed. They both get to their feet, grab their sweets and drinks, turned and left. They go through the door to the stairs. "The ending was good wasn't it" said the blond, "yeah it was" replied the re haired boy "but i think the whole throwing things at each other could have gone on longer if the woman missed". They slowly went down the stairs and continued to eat what they had and dropping the wrappers and bottle when they were finished with them. By the time they go to the bottom floor of the building and out the front door they were completely empty of wrappers and bottles, "so where to next?" asked the blond boy, "I don't know, there is usually a murder or something good a bout two blocks from here" replied the red haired boy. The blond looked delighted, "cool let's go watch, it might be fun".

I liked the sort of...social commentary, I want to call it, of the desensitized boys watching the couple argue. It really said a lot, without actually saying a lot. And it was certainly original.
There were a few verb-tense issues, where it randomly switched into present tense. Other than that, solid work.

Comments in red.

rygel wrote:The night sky was clear and still. Not a good beginning. It's pretty weak, and it's not compelling at all. The city was quiet but for the occasional bang from a car horn or shout from an angry lone pedestrian. You started two sentences the same way and it kind of threw me off. Might want to revise the second sentence. Atop one of the buildings sat two young boys; I'm not sure about the use of a semicolon here. teenagers to be exact, one had red hair, the other had blond. Both boys were sitting at the edge of the roof with their feet dangling lazily over the side and were facing a much larger skyscraper. You can make this sentence better by removing "was" and "were" and simply making it "Both boys sat on the edge of the roof..." Between them they had an assortment of sweets, drinks and popcorn that looked just recently bought. How so? Show us they're recently bought. Maybe they're untouched or something. The red haired boy was slowly eating a large popcorn So just one piece? Or do you mean he's going through the tub slowly? while the blond was going through his drink at an equally slow pace. Went is a good substitute for "was going"

"What's going on tonight?" said the red haired boy, his eyes slowly moving across the skyscraper ahead of them.

The blond stops drinking, "err, lets see we have..." he quickly looks around at both the skyscraper and the street below, "...we have a homeless guy looking like he's about to get mugged by some idiots, a prostitute doing her business with some old looking guy in a suit and err oh a domestic dispute." You can also cut the errs because they're kind of annoying. Maybe have him scratch his head instead.

The red haired boy was silent in thought for a long time but finally said, "Lets watch the domestic dispute, the rest sound boring". And who calls it a domestic dispute?

"Yeah," the blond said smiling.

Across from them in the skyscraper a man and woman who appear to be somewhere in their thirties were having a loud argument. Although the boys could not hear If they couldn't hear how could they tell it was loud? what the couple were shouting they were enjoying watching it just the same. The couple circled each other around a small tan coloured leather couch, looking like they were screaming at each other at the top of their lungs and occasionally pointing at each other in an accusatory manner. Actual fights usually involve little circling. There's more emphasis on the screaming, breaking things and slamming of doors.

The boys had resumed Resumed is pretty weak, and did they ever stop? Besides, devouring of popcorn is a weird phrase. their devouring of popcorn and drinking their juice, watching the couple intensely as if daring the couple to get worse. The couple, as if You used as if twice in a few words, so better revise. reading the boys' desire behind their unnoticed stares This entire part is just awkward., grew in their row Grew in their row isn't right. Maybe intensified their shouting or whatever. But that won't work unless the boys can hear them. and the man grabbed the nearest object Surely you can be a little more specific? Object seems so vague. and threw it at the woman. The object the man threw missed the woman but by mere inches and shattered against the wall.

The red haired boy [I cut immediately because the sentence works better without it.] threw a handful of his popcorn in the couples' direction shouting, "Hey lady are you gonna take that!?"

The woman retaliated by doing the same to the man, only this time the object Object makes it seems as if the writer doesn't know what was thrown. Not good. We want to be there, so you want to tell us these details. thrown hit its mark and the man fell to the floor.

Both boys raised their arms in joy, screaming "YES!!" in triumph at the top of their lungs. The way this is phrased softens its impact. You want to put "Yes!" first, then their action. And no need to tell us they raised it in joy - "Yes!" indicates that.

The woman watched in horror as the man lays on the ground, blood forming on the side of his face. What the hell did she throw?! OO A giant rock? Even then I doubt she could throw it hard enough.

"Is that it?" asked the red haired boy, sounding disappointed. The man then slowly gets off the floor of his apartment and the disappointment disappears from his face. The woman now looks fearful as she watched the man get to his feet. The man turned to the woman then slowly walked to her; she backed away until she was against the wall. The man continued to get The word "get" is one of the weakest verbs ever. Give me something more powerful. Stepped is better, although I think there's something even more appropriate. closer to her until they were inches apart.

The boys watched in complete anticipation as the man and woman stared at each other - [Wrong use of semicolons.] the woman in fear, the man in rage.

"Come on, hit her come one," murmured the blond boy, slightly leaning forward.

The man [I cut out out of nowhere because it's kind of expected, don't you think?] grabbed the woman by the neck and threw her to the ground, then climbed on top of her and begins to strangle her. There is a better way of phrasing this. Right now the impact isn't bad, but it could be much stronger.

"Go on man, go for it!" shouted both boys, smiling It's automatically assumed that smiling is done when one is happy, so no need for happily.. The strangling continued for only a few more seconds then stops and he slowly got off her wearing the same expression the woman had earlier Wait. So the woman doesn't fight back at all? Doesn't even try to resist? I want to see more struggle here. Again, the phrasing and word choices are weak.; he was scared. He ran everywhere, unsure of what to do.

"Well this movie [I'm pretty sure entertainment wasn't being used right here.] seems to be over," said the red haired boy, disappointed. More body language here.

They both got to their feet, grabbed their sweets and drinks, and left. They went [I fixed the tense, but a better verb is needed there. Also, a little more description won't hurt.] through the door to the stairs.

"The ending was good wasn't it?" said the blond.

"Yeah, it was," replied the red-haired boy. "But I think the whole throwing things at each other could have gone on longer if the woman missed." And that's pretty obvious. It's kind of stupid of him to say it. They slowly went down the stairs and continued You used continued way too many times. It's not the best verb sometimes. Maybe just cut it. "They slowly went down the stairs, eating what they had and dropping the wrappers and bottles when they were finished with them." Or something like that. to eat what they had and dropping the wrappers and bottle when they were finished with them. By the time they go to the bottom floor of the building and out the front door, they were completely empty of wrappers and bottles Completely empty of wrappers and bottles doesn't work because it doesn't mean what I think you want to say. Right now it means that there are no wrappers and bottles inside of them, which is natural. Maybe fix it so that it goes, "By the time they were out the building's front door, they'd thrown away all their wrappers and bottles. Also, I think you can do to take out bottom floor of the building since it's pretty obvious that the front door is on the ground floor..

"So, where to next?" asked the blond boy.

"I don't know; there is usually a murder or something good about two blocks from here" replied the redhead.

The blond looked delighted Show us how his face lights up - how there's a shine in his eyes and stuff. Actually, I think you've done a pretty good job of balancing show and tell here - but this is sort of my opinion and I'm no expert on that subject. I'd just like this last bit to be shown for some reason. 0o. "Cool, let's go watch. It might be fun".

Final thoughts:

This is certainly an interesting idea. I like it, actually. Something new, to be sure. In fact, I think you can make this into a novel if you tried. The premise gets a good score. Unfortunately, I can't say the same thing about your execution.

Your grammar needs work. Lots of it. You misuse semicolons, have a few run-on sentences and you often put the period after the quotation mark. The period should be inside, not out.

Also, a new line of dialogue is the start of a new paragraph. I fixed the formatting for you up there, but you might like to keep it in mind when you post again.

This piece has the slightest twinge of emotion - I felt somewhat horrified and fascinated by it. However, this premise is powerful and you could have squeezed a lot more out of it. Make us feel. Horrify me, disgust me, make me feel like a voyeur. I don't care. But let me feel. You can accomplish this by describing things in more detail. The fight scene was quite bland, to tell the truth.

You use "was" and "were" a lot - this slows down your sentences and weakens your prose. Cut them out and this piece will significantly improve.

Careful with unneeded adjectives, as you have quite a number of them there.

Right now the blond and the redhead are almost the same person. I'd appreciate it if you could show us little hints about how they're different from each other. They're just cardboard cut-outs in this piece because they're almost exactly alike. Show me who's the nicer one, or the follower. Who's the leader in this friendship? Is it truly mutual? How are they different from each other? Show it through little movements. Maybe now and then the blond gives way to the redhead. It will help this piece.

Your tenses shifts from past to present sometimes. I fixed the ones I noticed, but I'm not sure if I caught everything. You might want to go back and reread it to see where your tense shifts.

I'd also like a little more description, since this lacks it. I can't really help you here since I'm also pretty weak at description, but I can tell you this as a reader: don't dump all the description in one paragraph. Pepper it throughout the piece. Maybe one of the boys' palms presses against the rough/smooth ledge of the building's roof.

Speaking of the building's roof, access to a building's roof is pretty restricted. Might want to think about how they got there. Maybe they picked a lock?

The beginning was also quite weak. Starting with description isn't something I'd recommend because I tend to shy away from books that start with description. I want to see action in the first sentence. Have on of the boys doing something. Or conflict. Give me something to work with. Maybe start with one of the boys shushing the other because the "movie" is going to start. I don't know. Also, this could be a personal preference of mine so take it with a grain of salt.

Anyway, that's my two cents. Hope you found this review useful. PM me if you have any questions, and if you ever rewrite this and post the rewrite up, tell me if you want me to review it. ^^ I'd be glad to. This idea is truly a good one and I want to see more of it.


Sincerely,

Kara