Just a dream, or something more?

4 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1195
Reviews 1
I'm standing on the top of a hill, right in front of my house. It's pretty small, but I have everything I need. You can feel the warmth of home just by looking at it. It seems as if the color of the house changes with every single blink of my eyes. It goes from blue and green to red and pink. Then I see that there are butterflies flying around the house and its color changes whenever a different colored butterfly lands on the walls. There's a note on the door: „This is a land of peace, love and laughter. Whoever comes here, never wants to leave.“ I keep looking around. Now I can see it all very clear: there is a forest behind the house. I can hear birds singing and children laughing. Around the house there are infinite fields covered with flowers in rainbow colors. Down, in the valley, ducks, geese and swans are swimming in a lake. The sky is perfect, with just a few clouds that are reminding me of cotton candy… There is a rainbow far in the distance. I say to myself: “This is perfect, I never want to leave this place…”

But, just then, a fleet of black, stormy clouds hide the sun, and the rainbow disappears as if it is afraid of this dark enemy! The flowers in the valley are all wilting from the strength of this horrifying rain. I hear something scary! Instead of birds singing and children laughing I hear wolves howling and these creepy, crying and weeping voices are terrifying me! The butterflies are now all black, and so is the house. Then I see the text on the note had changed. It now says: “This is a land of war, hate and tears, whoever comes here can never leave again!” Now my head is starting to ache and everything is spinning. I feel like I’m losing my mind. There’s nothing I can do to save myself! I’m going to be trapped in this horrible place forever!

But then, I open my eyes and I can see that I’m lying on a bench in front of the house. “Ooh, thank God,” I say out loud, “it wasn’t true!” Then, a black butterfly lands on my hand. “It isn’t true! It can’t be true… Or can it?!”




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3561
Reviews 19
I love! it was very well put and the transition from good to bad was executed nicely! The ending could have been a little stronger but overall this was a great piece!

~Lady Kix
Last edited by ladyKixRox on Wed May 26, 2010 3:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Smart?? That's an insult! I am a Stupid,Smart,Talented,Unique person in demand."
For The RolePlayers and The Storybookers,The Twilight lovers, The HON obsessies, and The VD Swooners
Go Here---->http://nyxsentgoodness.niceboards.org/forum




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1697
Reviews 11
I did enjoy the kind of detail put into this, and the sudden transition from light to dark. The ending was interesting but could have been a little better though.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 948
Reviews 12
Hey Marth ( can i call you that?)
well anyway i thought since you kinda reviewed my short-story id experiment and see if I've got What it take to be a good reviewer ( don't hold your breath its my first time)

well anyway i loved this but i didn't exactly know what was going on. I love how you described the house and everything around it.
i do think you need to express the narrator's horror when the scene changes and her relief when it isn't actually what she thought it was ( is she's a she)
i liked the idea of the story but i feel it would be better if it was a bit longer and you took time the narrator's feelings more ( and the house and everything around it)

hope that helped
tell me when you've written more I'd really like to read more of your work.
:D
Alex: I didn't set fire to the building.

Ash: No, but you did pull it into the river.

Alex: That put the fire out!



We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master.
— Ernest Hemingway