Antheya Chapter One

8 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1342
Reviews 3
This is a second draft of the story. If anyone has any suggestions for a title, I would welcome them.

ANTHEYA
or
THE ENCHANTED FOREST

CHAPTER ONE

"Come, children," the old woman said. "Dance and play while you may." Her voice lowered. "For tonight is the Night of Horrors." And in the open forest glade, the children danced and twirled wildly, and wound vines in their hair. High up above them, in the velvet black sky, the moon was full; but none of the children noticed. And from the trees all around the glade, strange, unearthly things looked out at them: ghastly faces and horrible, snakelike eyes. Slowly, the moon rose, until it rested right in the middle of the sky, and in the towns, the clocks were all striking twelve. And still the children danced, as the old woman watched from the shadows.

Alice sat on the edge of her bed, shivering and looking towards her window. In the center of her small town loomed the clock tower; the moon, rising from behind the forest, illuminated the face of the clock, but she did not need to see the hands to know what time it was. Bong! it struck once, then again. Bong! And then six more times. The next was louder: BONG! The last was always loudest. It was nine o'clock, and time to go.
Alice would have preferred to have gone sooner, but she and Joseph knew they had to wait until their parents were asleep. She got up; her shoes were already on, and she had a bundle of food and blankets on her shoulder, enough for both her and her twin brother.
She crept out of her room to Joseph's door and knocked softly. There was no answer, so she knocked a little louder.
"Joseph!" she whispered. "Time to go!"
She pressed her ear against the door to try to catch the sound of a snore, but all she heard was the sound of a strong breeze whistling through the window inside and playing with the curtains. She tried the door but it was locked. Then, faintly, she could hear music, wild and alluring, filling the room.
"Gone!" she thought, terror filling her heart.
Without waiting another second, she turned from the door and the music and fled out of the house, down the road leading out of town.
Behind her was the forest, two or so miles from the western edge of her town. At first, she could hear the wild, enchanting music, calling her with an almost irresistible charm and promise, but the pounding of her feet soon drowned it out, and at last she could not hear it at all.

After that she began to walk, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickening her pace. Her thoughts were busy with Joseph. He had gone out of his window; the music had called him, and he was gone. Would he ever come back? Why, why had he not waited for her as he had promised?
Suddenly, a sound jerked her from these ponderings: a long, drawn out howl, drifting down the wind. For just one second her blood seemed frozen in her veins, and then she began to run as hard as she could. She had nothing to defend herself with, but Joseph said she could run as swiftly as the wind, and she had no intention of stopping until she found a tree to climb.
Her feet hardly seemed to be touching the road as she picked up speed; she turned her head quickly to look behind her and saw something coming up the road towards her.
Doubt crept into Alice's mind. Could she truly outrun a wolf? Wildly, she looked ahead for a tree, and saw one about a hundred and fifty yards ahead. So far! And she could already feel her side cramping slightly. She dared not look behind her, but, as she neared the tree, she gathered up the last of her strength, she reached it and grabbed onto a limb. She was swinging herself up when she felt something touch her arm. With a small scream she looked around and saw a boy standing there.
"Why..." she panted. "Why...didn't you...say you... were there?"
He smiled apologetically but was obviously even more out of breath than she. Instead he climbed into the tree and held out his hand to help pull her up.
Then they climbed higher, until they were fifteen or so feet above the ground and safe from wolves.
After catching her breath, Alice said,
"Why did you sneak up on me like that?"
"I'm sorry," the boy said. "I had been running for I don't know how long, and then I saw you. So I ran to catch up. You must be part deer! I thought I'd never be able to speak again when I had caught up, and you had looked back, so I thought you must have seen me."
"I thought you were a wolf," she said.
They did not say anything else for a while. The boy was studying her.
"I think we've met before," he said at last. "Did you come to Radel about four months ago with your father?"
"Yes!" she replied, looking at him more carefully. "I do recall your face slightly. Were you in the blacksmith's shop? Gil was your name?"
"Gilbert," he said. "Gil is what my uncle calls me. I'm apprenticed to him. And your name was Alice."
"Yes, that's right."
He held his hand out and they shook hands.
"So," Alice said. "Why were you so far behind? Your town is farther from the forest than mine."
"I fell asleep," Gilbert said sheepishly. "Then I woke up and realized that it was sometime past nine."
"Really? I couldn't sleep. I would have gone sooner, except that I couldn't be sure that our parents were asleep."
"Our? You have siblings?"
"Joseph is my twin brother."
"Then...why didn't he come too?"
"He was going to, but," she broke off.
"Ohhh," he said slowly. "Well, try not to think about it. He may come back."
"But what if he doesn't!" Alice said, sounding as though she might break into tears.
Gilbert did not know what to say, so he said nothing.
"Do you think," said the boy at last, hesitantly. "Do you think he might have gone ahead?"
"No!" Alice said indignantly. "We agreed to go together, and he wouldn't go without me!"
They sat in awkward silence for a long time, dangling their legs over the branch. They heard no more howls. The moon was right above them, and faintly they could hear a clock tower chiming twelve o'clock.
"I wonder why more don't leave," Gilbert said suddenly.
"What do you mean?" asked Alice.
"I mean, why don't more children run off before they have to go to the forest? It seems like a lot of them would."
"I don't think that most of them are afraid to go," said the girl. "My cousin didn't seem very nervous about it."
"What I don't understand," Gilbert said, talking slowly as though he were trying to work something out. "Is why it's allowed at all. Why don't parents lock the doors and stand guard over their children to prevent them from going?"
"Well," countered Alice. "Why don't they go in and hack the forest up?"
"They couldn't do that! It's magical. Their axes would probably burst into flames or something."
"Yes, and so is this night," she went on. "I doubt that they could keep them in once the music is strong enough to reach in and enchant the children."
She looked down as she was talking and noticed Gilbert fingering a long knife, running his thumb up and down the blade.
"Where did you get that?" she asked in awe. "I thought..."
"I had to make it secretly," he said. "In the blacksmith shop when my uncle was away. I hid it whenever I saw anyone coming. You have no idea how many scares I had. Once, I caught some fellow staring at me through the window. Fortunately, at that time it looked nothing like a knife. Another time, the mayor himself came in. I can't imagine what would have happened to me if he had seen it."
"I wish we didn't live so close to that beastly forest!" Alice said with a shudder.
"Well," Gilbert said. "It looks like our time is almost over. It's about one o'clock, I think."
To confirm his words, they heard the nearby clock tower striking three quarters of the hour. Alice shifted uncomfortably on the tree branch, and shivered. It was the middle of autumn, and the breeze was chilly, especially at night.
As the last strokes of the clock died away, Gilbert suddenly said,
"Hush! Listen!"
"It's music!" whispered Alice, wonderingly. "But it's...not the same as the forest music." It was, indeed, unlike the wild, heady music which she had heard upon leaving her town: this was a light, almost merry tune which conjured images of water falling down rocks in the sunlight. The two children listened intently until it had faded away, and they were again left in the dark and cold.

"What was that?" Alice asked, shaking herself out of the wonder which had fallen over her. "I've never heard anything like it before!"
"I...I don't know, but it was..." Gilbert struggled for words. "It was...beautiful."
He jumped to the ground and helped Alice out of the tree.
"I say!" he said. "I'm hungry!"
"Didn't you bring anything to eat?" she asked.
"No, I didn't think about it."
"Well, I brought enough food for two. Have some."
They sat down on the ground and ate, then started down the road.
"Get off the road," Gilbert said quickly, and pulled Alice into some bushes.
They watched as a straggling procession of children walked wearily down the road. They came by ones or twos, with their heads hanging and their eyes dull and listless.
"They're coming from the forest," Alice said, stating the obvious. "That's what we would have looked like."
"If we came back at all," Gilbert murmured. "How many didn't come back? I'm going to ask one of them something."
He stepped out onto the road and stopped a boy.
"What did you see?" he asked. "What happened in the forest?"
The boy's eyes wandered, and at last he said in a languid voice,
"There were trees. And moonlight and music."
"What else? What happened there?"
"I can't remember; maybe nothing," the boy said, and walked past Gilbert.
They said little to each other the rest of the way; both were rather solemn and depressed. Alice was thinking of the long years stretching behind them of thirteen year olds going to the forest and never returning, and the long years stretching ahead in which they would keep doing so, until the end of the world perhaps.
"When I grow up and have children, I will move far away, to where they have never heard of the forest," she said out loud.
Gilbert nodded absently. His mind was elsewhere.

Gilbert and Alice walked until they reached the gate to her town.
"This is out of your way," she said.
"I know, but I wanted to make sure you were safe. Farewell. I hope you find your brother waiting for you."
"Farewell, and thank you," she said, and entered the gate.
She was met by the town mayor, who startled her by stepping out of the shadows by the gate.
Last edited by LauraElizabeth on Sat May 29, 2010 7:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 5772
Reviews 45
Hi LauraElizabeth! I'm Earthfire and I'll be your reviewer.

First of all: Bravo! :smt001 This was a really interesting story which drew me right in. I love how you kept this fairy tale feeling to it. It reminds me of the Pied Piper story.
I seriously couldn't find anything wrong with it. PM me when you post more!

Keep writing!
~Earthfire




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1526
Reviews 5
Very interesting. It was wonderful!!! :smt003 :smt003 :smt003
¡¡¡Yo sere la que cree mi camino desde este momento, yo sere la quien grite, la quien mande, porque ahora tengo el control de mi vida en mis manos!!! xD xD xD




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 30338
Reviews 560
Awesome! :D

The hook was instant, and the opening created a brilliantly sinister atmosphere. As a first chapter it works really well, and the plot is quite gripping.

I understood that a lot of children where getting drawn to the forest, and that's not where Alice wanted to be. So where was she planning on going? That part was a little too vague, which made it quite confusing.

The structure is a little off. It's best to have line breaks in between paragraphs and speech, and then either a heading or *** < those things which I can't rememeber what they're called. It makes the text much easier to read.

I like the characters. They're not fully developed, but they're still very interesting, which is perfect for a first chapter. I especially like how you seem to give a strong impression of Joseph, even though he never actually appears in the story.

Gilbert, that's a pretty cool name. Just remember that once you've told your reader the name, you should avoid using the term 'the boy.' Using someone's name helps to give them more definition, and your reader is less likely to forget it when they put the book down.

I'm sorry I can't really find much else to comment on. This is well written and thrilling to read. I like the title 'Antheya.' It has a very mystical sound to it that seems to reflect the nature of the story.

Hope this helps. Let me know when you post the next chapter :D
-Ten
We were born to be amazing.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 368
Reviews 456
Hello, and thank you for requesting a review.

I am not a fan of fantasy writing, but I do have to say you did a wonderful writing this. I do have a problem with the format though. I think it would be easier to read if you put line breaks in. Before posting your story go down to format and click on story. Itll put the breaks into your story :).

If you need any other reviews please feel free to PM me any time
have a great day
Tiffany
There is nothing to writing; all you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein~ Red Smith

Who needs a review? :) http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic38078.html




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1342
Reviews 3
Ok. Line breaks have been made. Thank you to everyone who has reviewed this :)




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 7715
Reviews 522
Ok, first of all, I’m a homeschooler too! You should check out our user group. ;)
Here is your requested review.
I’ll get to my overall thoughts later. For now let me go through line by line.
"Come, children," the old woman said. "Dance and play while you may." Her voice lowered. "For tonight is the Night of Horrors."

“the old woman” is a weak description. Also, who is she talking to? On the other hand, I like the way this sets up the mood right off. I do think it could be separated from the rest of the narrative though, whether by italicising it or putting a longer break in between. It feels almost like a prologue.
In the center of her small town loomed the clock tower; the moon, rising from behind the forest, illuminated the face of the clock, but she did not need to see the hands to know what time it was.

This is an extremely long sentence. :) Break it up if possible.
Bong! it struck once, then again. Bong! And then six more times. The next was louder: BONG! The last was always loudest. It was nine o'clock, and time to go.

I like this, just not the “and then six more times” part.
"So," Alice said. "Why were you so far behind? Your town is farther from the forest than mine."
"I fell asleep," Gilbert said sheepishly. "Then I woke up and realized that it was sometime past nine."
"Really? I couldn't sleep. I would have gone sooner, except that I couldn't be sure that our parents were asleep."

The dialogue here doesn’t seem to fit in with the rest of this piece. It’s almost modern, where as I got a distinctly medieval feel in the rest of it.
"I wonder why more don't leave," Gilbert said suddenly.
"What do you mean?" asked Alice.
"I mean, why don't more children run off before they have to go to the forest? It seems like a lot of them would."
"I don't think that most of them are afraid to go," said the girl. "My cousin didn't seem very nervous about it."
"What I don't understand," Gilbert said, talking slowly as though he were trying to work something out. "Is why it's allowed at all. Why don't parents lock the doors and stand guard over their children to prevent them from going?"
"Well," countered Alice. "Why don't they go in and hack the forest up?"
"They couldn't do that! It's magical. Their axes would probably burst into flames or something."
"Yes, and so is this night," she went on. "I doubt that they could keep them in once the music is strong enough to reach in and enchant the children."

Two things about your dialogue here.
This is a fine example of “As you know, Bob” dialogue, a term which you may have heard before. In case you haven’t:

“As you know, Bob” dialogue is when the author is talking through the characters, and hiding exposition in dialogue.

And excellent example from http://www.tkkenyon.com/fiction-writing-exposition.html:

“As you know, Bob, we've been stuck on this desert island for twenty years, eating only the coconuts that grow on the one tree and fish which we catch with our hands. We have several vitamin deficiencies, and you've been picking your nose this whole time. Stop it, or I'm going to kill you!"

Could be written as:
“Ted pounded the coconut open with a rock. It wasn't quite ripe yet, but he was so tired of fish, and his fingernails stung in the salt water where they cracked and peeled.

Bob sat on the beach a few yards away. He was picking his nose again. Again.

"Stop it!" Ted screamed and picked up the rock he had used to smash the green coconut into meaty fragments.



See what I mean?

Dialogue tags. Ugh. Stay away from them. Ok, not always, since it’s good to know who’s talking, but it just gets so irritating to read hundreds of variations on “said”. Here is an article on that, if you’re still not convinced.:lol: My general rule is that if it’s obvious by what’s said how it’s said, don’t add a tag.

She was met by the town mayor, who startled her by stepping out of the shadows by the gate.

Weird place to end, if you ask me. I’d extend it a little more, actually, because if you left off as she’s saying goodnight, that would be boring, but suddenly having someone jump out of the shadows and then nothing felt too abrupt. You can still leave it at a cliff-hanger, but mayhap a bit more explanation?

Overall:

I like this, I really do. This is the second fantasy story I’ve read on here recently and I’d almost forgotten how much I like the genre.

So, like I said, I love the atmosphere, and the idea of children being called into the woods is one I played with once * digs around in old work pile * hmm, can’t find it. But anyway, I like the idea. :) (The only problem with that, though, is that if I’ve thought of it before, other people probably have as well, and you’re going to have to work very hard to keep it original)

I also like your grasp of grammar and spelling.

I do think this needs a bit of work though.

My biggest peeve? The characters themselves.

First of all, I have a few questions: Why is she leaving the house? Wouldn’t it be better for her to stay inside, if there’s a risk she’ll be caught in the music? Why are her parents asleep, if they know there’s a chance their children will disappear? What is Gil doing in the middle of the woods? Why aren’t they struggling not to hear the music?

With a narrative this long, I think there could have been more development of the voice as well. What makes Alice unique? But, since this is the first chapter, I suppose you have a bit of leeway there.

Also, description. I’d like more. Not all at once in a clump, but spread throughout to further enhance the mood. What do the houses look like? What does the wood look like? Etc. I want to feel like I’m actually there.

I hope this helps you. :) If you ever need another review, or decide to edit this, feel free to PM me.

*likes*

See you around!

Lupis




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 28776
Reviews 446
Hello there!

I'm sorry this took me days to review it.

I wish I had read this earlier. First off, I like the way you started and ended the story. It captured the readers well even though this story is a little bit lengthy. To be honest, I don't like reviewing things like this, you know, narrative extensive stories. Though this caught my attention until the very last line of your plot. Your description was really good and its settings. The only thing that bothers me is how you kept on placing 'said' here, which a little bit ruins the flow of the story. I have to agree with 'Canislupis', dialogue tags are sometimes irritating to the ears. :wink:

Keep writing!

Peace out! :smt004

_yuri_
"Life is a poem keep it in the present tense." -Sherrel Wigal



Doors are for people with no imagination.
— Skulduggery Pleasant