The Legendary Power (Chapters 1-2)

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Table of Main Characters

The Dark Prince- Nathaniel Johnson
Powers- Dark Magic/ All Elemental Powers

The Sky Prince- Joshua Bilbrew
Powers- Cosmic Energy/ All elemental Powers


Table of Minor Characters

Dark Pixie- Nathaniel’s Magical Essence
Sky Pixie- Joshua’s Magical Essence




Chapter One (1)
Birthdays!
Setting: March 1, 2009
Homewood Illinois, the Johnson house

“Happy birthday dear Nate, happy birthday to you!” sang my family. “How does it feel being fourteen, do you feel any different?” exclaimed my dad. I replied, “I feel kind of strange, like there is something burning up inside me.” “I think I’m going to lie down for a while.” “Alright, we will have your cake ready when you’re awake.” my mom said. I felt kind of strange and awkward. I felt as if I was burning up. So I went up stairs and I slept for what seemed forever. “Ma’am he is alright, he will be fine, just some minor scratches.” The nurse said, obviously annoyed. I opened my eyes and was blinded by a surgery light. I groaned, I don’t know about you but any body who likes to stare into blinding light for long periods of time is a complete moron, that’s why I chose to go back to bed. When I woke up at home I felt much better. “Mom…Dad, I’m going on a walk to Joshes, I’ll be back before dark.” I said cheerfully. Then I was off.

Setting: July 27, 2009
Homewood Illinois, the Bilbrew house

“Happy birthday Josh, happy birthday to you!” sang Josh’s family as I walked in the door. “SURPRISE!” I yelled with a giant gift in my hands. “Nate, come on in, we were just waiting for you.” Excitedly said Josh. “Oh my goodness it smells great in here.” I exclaimed. I set my gift down on the table, and Josh began to open it. When it was completely opened he yelled so loud you could probably here it in China. “The Deluxe version of Kingdom Hearts, really oh my gosh thank you so much Nate!” Hysterically said Josh. Then out of nowhere Josh started to choke. After that he looked really sick, and exclaimed that he was going to sleep for a while. I decided to leave for privacy reasons. Three hours later I got a call from Mrs. Bilbrew stating that Josh was fine. So I was rest assured that everything was fine.

Chapter Two (2)
Coincidence?


Setting: August 19, 2010
Flossmoor Illinois, Homewood-Flossmoor High school

It has been a year since both Josh and I turned 14, and on both of our birthdays we both felt sick. This was no coincidence, because not only did we get pulled out of our class rooms at the same time, but we were both going to the same place. “I wonder what this is about”, Josh said as we were nearly dragged into a stretch Limousine. I barely had time to react to the deep scratchy voice in the cab with us. “Well…we will just have to find out won’t we?” I looked at Josh and he looked at me, I wondered if we were thinking the same thing. Before I could speak, a lightning fast movement tied and blindfolded us up in one split second. I wondered if that was even possible. We drove in the limousine for about six hours, halting every now and then for gas. When we reached our destination, what seemed like blinding light hit our eyes, because we had been blind folded for so long. It looked like we had been brought into the middle of nowhere. “Dude, where in the middle of nowhere” I said. “No dip, Sherlock”, said the man with the scratchy voice. We had come to what looked like a basic encampment. We went right passed the camp, and went into a dark narrow cave. Josh and I were both kind of scared, so we walked a little faster, while listening to the grunting and mumbling of the men in the limousine. At the end of the cave there was a giant bolder, that looked unmovable. “Oh crap man, were trapped, there gonna kill us here”, Josh exclaimed. “WOULD YOU JUST RELAX, WERE NOT HERE TO F-ING KILL YOU, MY GOODNESS.” The main with the scratchy voice said. Pushing Josh aside, he spoke in some weird language, and the bolder moved like fluid across the tracks it had made several times before. When we passed through, Josh and I were instantly blinded. When we recovered sight again, we were confronted by what Josh and I knew as monks. “Take them to rest, we will start training tomorrow.” Someone said. Then we were blindfolded and taken to our rooms, luckily they were not separated.
-JJ-
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Hi JackpotJohnson
I like this but it jumps around a lot.
One minute Nate is at home and then there's a nurse with him. I don't really understand how this happened.
I like the way that you have done a table of the characters and that you have told us what the scene is when you jump for character to character.
Can you pm me when you post more?
midnightread :elephant:
The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.
A wise man does not need advice and a fool won't take it.


Growing old is mandatory,
Growing up is optional.


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Football is a gentleman's game played by thugs.




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I will definitely PM you when more is written, Thank you for your words of advice. I noticed that as well after I posted. This is just my rough draft obviously, and I thank you again for critiquing it. I have written a prologue to it, here is the link: post707864.html#p707864. I will revise it and send you a PM. Thanks again for the review :D!
-JJ-
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Hey there JackpotJohnson! I'm WD and it's lovely to meet you. ^^ You have some interesting ideas here, and I think this could go somewhere, but it seems to be written like an outline right now. If it is an outline, it really belongs in the Writer's Corner, but it has enough story fleshed out in it that I couldn't quite classify it as an outline.

Basically, the chapters need to be fleshed out. Right now I'm getting the bare bones of your character development and plot. It seems very rushed, and I really am not getting a clear picture of your characters at this point. Slow down! Let these scenes take the time they need and cease all of the telling. Show me what is happening, how your characters are reacting, the setting and let the story flow. No need to push it into such short fragments. I really think you just need to take more time with this, start again from the beginning and build this outline-esque piece into a full-fledged chapter. Reading will help with this; so will practice. :wink:

Best of luck with this! Nice start! Please PM me if you have any questions!
~ WD
If you desire a review from WD, post here

"All I know, all I'm saying, is that a story finds a storyteller. Not the other way around." ~Neverwas




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Thanks, for the Great feedback. It's nice to meet you to. I noticed to that I really need to make some meat on these barebones, because you're right, I need to fill in the story. I am making short work of what I already have, and am beginning to take this "short story" more seriously. I have basically rushed, just to say i have something, and that's one of my weaknesses. I'm glad you "called me out" on that, when it is finished, if you're interested I will send you a link of the finished story and may be you can give some feed back on that to. Again, thank you! This really "woke me up"!
-JJ-
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I like what you've got here so far, but there were some pacing issues. Slow it down a bit, and take time to introduce the characters a bit more. I do like the idea, though =]
But whether James really did take off Snape's pants, Harry never found out.



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— Chinese saying