The Man Who Can't Be Moved.

*Here's my entry to Skin's contest. Okay. So I think it wasn't good, so feel free to criticize.*

"If you see this girl can you tell her where I am?"

Daniel sat on the dirty pavement holding this sign, watching people as they passed by. Some were staring, others were tossing few coins at him. For the tenth time, he checked his watch. He had been there already for six hours, doing nothing but sitting and waiting for someone. Looking down, Daniel picked up a picture of a girl and, with sad eyes, whispered, "I still love you..."

He remembered the times when he and Jennifer were still together; holding each other's hands, taking long walks while talking together. He remembered his first kiss with her, one night, under the stars...

"I love you," Daniel said, holding her hand.
"I love you, too," she replied, and in a moment, she sealed a kiss on his lips. He could feel her warmth, and together they ended it in a tight embrace. But all of it ended when Jennifer changed her mind, leaving him and going off with some other guy, which broke Daniel's heart so much; and no one can mend it.

Daniel cried at the thought, tears flowing from his blue eyes. The crowd is getting bigger, all looking at him. A woman approached him with a microphone on her hand, and it was clear she's a reporter. A camera is set by, and she started to ask some questions.

He shook his head and muttered these seven words: "I'm the man who can't be moved." Soon policemen came and took them away, but the crowd did not budge. He looked at the camera with a sad smile.

-O-


Meanwhile, Jennifer sat on the couch and turned on the news. Daniel's face is staring at her from the television, and a thought struck her.

"What the hell is that idiot doing in there?" she cried.

Quickly she turned it off before her husband can see it. But she does feel a bit guilty deep inside, after all what they've been through. She didn't know that it will arrive to this.

She shrugged the thought away, and tried not to think anymore of Daniel. She was happy with the man she has now, who puts her first.

-O-


After almost a week without food, and drinking only his tears, Daniel grew weak. One day when he couldn't take it any longer, he collapsed in the corner of the street. Nearby people saw him, and they tried to help the poor man, but they knew that it will break his heart even more. Who knows, maybe Jennifer will come back?, he thought weakly. Who knows...

Then, through blurry eyes, he saw a familiar figure in front of him. He heard a voice saying, "I've come back." He tried to smile and reach for her, but he's too weak. "I'm sorry."

Jennifer changed her mind and went back to the corner, touching his hand. Daniel's face is wet from her tears. She tried to kiss him, but it was too late. His hands turned cold, and he stopped breathing.

He didn't die from fatigue, but because of...broken heart.

Hi darkangel_05. Here to review another piece of your Romantic story. First off you need to capitalize the title. It should read like this: The Man Who Can't Be Moved. Its very distressing to see the title all in small letters.

Some were staring, others were tossing somefew coins at him.

He had been there already for six hours, doing nothing but to sit and wait there for someone.

'To sit and wait' won't look nice here and thye sound wrong.
The sentence should be like: He had been there already for six hours, doing nothing but sitting and waiting for someone.Also you could italicize 'someone'.

He cancould feel her warmth, and together they ended it in a tight embrace.

Just my instincts tell me that there shouldn't be ;'can' but 'could'.

But all of it ended when Jennifer changed her mind, leaving him and going off with some other guy, which broke Daniel's heart so much, and no one can mend it.

Daniel cried at the thought, tears flowing on from his blue eyes.

A woman approach(either it should be approaches or approached) herhim with a microphone on her hand, and it was clear she's a reporter

She was happy with the man she havehas now, who puts her first.

you are talking about a girl-which means singular, so you should use 'has'. this shows bad grammar.

After almost a week without food, and drinking only his tears, Daniel grew weak.I liked this! One day when he can'tcouldn't take it any longer, and he collapsed in the corner of the street.

Nearby people saw him, and they tried to help the poor man, but they know knew that it will break his heart even more.

He heard a voice saying, "I've come back." He tried to smile and reach for him, but he's too weak. "I'm sorry."

He did not died from fatigue. He died because of a broken heart.

Again a bad grammar indication. When we use did in a sentence thn we don't use past tense of the verb. Its a crime. LOL.
This sentence would be pleasanter and more effective if it was: He didn't die of fatigue, but because of...broken heart.I highlighted the verb to be used with did.

This was very bad in term of grammar. All this while I was juggling as to which tense you were trying to use. Sometime you came to present and then seconds later, in the same sentence you wrote past tense. I don't think it was because you didn't proof-read it or something, but because you're actually very confused with tenses. Sorry to be rude and harsh. So just try to work on that and search for some appropriate article on this either in YWS or Google. You might be knowing.

Then there was very less of descriptions used here. You could describe how Daniel looked due to starvation and hunger-strike he went on. How Jeniffer looked? On what type of street he was sitting-was it around offices or residential or what? This was a very good author's draft which writer's write to pen down their thoughts and then later use it while writing the story down. Just focus on it!

Sorry to say but you need a lot of work on it,s o just write more, develop it more, before sending it for Skin's competition.

Hope I helped and PM me for any questions you have.

Flying off for now!

I liked this alot. The emotion was great. I was just blanked because you didn't describe the surroundings that well. All I knew is that there were some reporters and people but that's it/ You gotta explain how things look like! thats key too! I agree fully with shubhiloves2write. Do what she says and what I say and your story will pop!
Nike

Hiya!

It's good! A little short, but I like it!

You're one of the only guys on the sight whose writing I actually like. My classmater, James, showed me this book he wrote and it was AWFUL! He used bad grammer, mispelled some words, and he did it in this chatroom format which bugged me.

This site has alot of WOMEN on it. You're actually the first guy I've seen on this site minus Nate.

Well, great job!

Ciao!

So, I know committed a lot of crimes against the rules of grammar, but thanks to shubhiloves2write, it's all okay now! thanks to all your reviews too!

I'm glad I could be of some help!

Hey Darkangel!

So! I think you rushed this a bit too much and that's why you're not satisfied with it. I mean, you meet the guy, you meet Jennifer, then they meet a week later and he dies. But I have to wonder... what was Jennifer and Daniel's relationship for this to even occur? If he was really that in love... why wouldn't he put her first? It doesn't quite make sense! So you might want to play with it and see if you can delve deeper in their characters.

Ohh!! I like this, many people have already edited and I just wanted to put that I love this song The Script is amazing. (:

I'm not a big fan of this. You could improve it a lot just by some simple editing. My main problem is that you switch tenses a lot. If you are writing it in past tense, then stick to it through the entire story. I don't have time now, but I'll come back later and do a better review.
-FMS