Pass the Note

The hearts of the happy
know nothing of longing
they make me feel crappy
their lovesick smiles i view

Chorus:
The past is full of pain
the future filled with holes
everything to gain
and not a thing to lose

i've walked this path before
down through oblivion
where too less is far more
my heart stolen away

The eyes of my beloved
are voracious with desire
but i know that none of it
is real- he's such a liar

Chorus

Has he sympathy?
Behind his flirt facade
is there capibility
to feel selfless love?

Chorus

The beginning rhyme is a little off. The lines don't rhyme at all, and there are parts in there that don't seem to work with each other. It needs a little re-wording. But in general I got the beat of the song, it's a little catchy.

Okey Dokey Dogs here. A couple quick things about this. 1 this is poetry not a song. 2 having a chorus right after anouther chorus dosnt work so well.

MorganJoJO wrote:The hearts of the happy

Okay now what do you means by this. so the hearts dont know sadness? maybe say people or children or something different than that.

MorganJoJO wrote:their lovesick smiles i view

okay so this ordering dosnt make so much sense. maybe say "i view their lovesick smiles" but to me that dosnt flow very well. Also dont go out of your way to make this rhyme. Sometimes rhyme affects the flow of the poetry.

But apart from those nitpicky things this looks great and has potential. KEEP WRITING!

Hi dogs

Hmm, I'm not sure what I think of this. In parts these lyrics veer off into being very ordinary love song like, but your use of metaphors and the language keep it original.

I wold like to point out that good love songs areincredibly difficult to it is write because it is by far the most popular topic.

As this song holds a great deal of pain in the lyrics, I would congratulate you on showing it well. Also the flow is a bit clunky in parts and in lyrics flow is crucial because it is meant to go with music. I would work on spacing it out a bit more to make it flow better.

verawinters