The Ravens call

The Raven call

I was walking through the alley, when I heard the ravens call
a whisper in the air saying, “catch me before I fall”

I was seeking through the night, after that sad voice
but I couldn’t hear it, just this ravens screaming noise

I was still listening for what, I wanted to hear
that voice that was whispering, full of fear

I was willing to help, this poor little thing
but something stopped me, when that raven started sing

I was stunned by the sound, from that ravens throat
filling me with hate and sorrows, so cold, I wrapped my coat

I was still unable to move, when a whisper came to me
then the raven blocked my way, again I couldn’t see

I was blocked by the raven so cold and black
it's eyes looked at me, there was no way back

I was scared to death by this creature
the raven hated me, it was its nature

I was so afraid by this born hate
but the eyes didn’t belong, they were filled with faith

I was staring in, to those hoping eyes
something reached out, a voice full of lies

I was hearing the sound of the ravens call
I ran, away from the whisper, “catch me, now I fall”

I was watching the dark, being erased by the light
I could see clearly at day, not at night

In the middle of the alley, I saw a little child
laying still along the flowers, so wild

As I got closer, the truth became red
along the blood, there was a girl that was dead

I looked into the eyes, the raven was there
a hateful raven that did not care

A whisper in the air, “you did not catch me”

I am absolutely in love with this poem, amazing! Only one spelling error I caught in this line "fraid by this borne hate" I think you meant born. But thats it! I love the imagery, and how you described the raven! This was one of the best poems I have seen on the site! Keep writing!

-KAH <3

My god, that was a very appreciated comment.. made my... ehm... midnight.. x)
Thankuu very much-.- // Sagaa <3

Hello Demoness, Moo here.

I was walking through the alley, when I heard the ravens call
a whisper in the air saying, “catch me before I fall”

Okay, their should be an apostrophe for the raven to show possession. (Raven's call}

I was seeking through the night, after that sad voice
but I couldn't hear it, just this ravens screaming noise

This stanza really disagreed with me. It was quite awkward and the sentences didn't fit together at all. Again with the apostrophe, you miss this out quite often throughout this poem.

I was still listening for what, I wanted to hear
that voice that was whispering, full of fear

That first comma ruins the rhythm of the whole line. Lose it. Doesn't need to be there.

I was willing to help, this poor little thing
but something stopped me, when that raven started sing

I was stunned by the sound, from that ravens throat
filling me with hate and sorrows, so cold, I wrapped my coat

The meter is off in these stanzas. Meter is the number of syllables per line at it is quite important to maintain a smooth reading poem. Also, the last line makes no sense whatsoever. 'Started to sing' would be correct, but again it adds to the already poor meter of the lines. You don't seem to have any form of meter to stick by at all, and I definately think you should try to adapt your poem to make it flow more smoothly.

Not sure I like this ending... it seems like the poem was randomly cut off and I was expecting to read more after this line.

Another thing I noticed was that you seem to have ongoing enjambment throughout the whole poem, with no punctuation at the end of any of the lines. This can be good if used for a purpose, for example to emphasise the length or size of something (perhaps a riverbank as an example.) Punctuation can be quite important in giving the poem structure. Emily Dickinson's A bird came down the walk wouldn't be the same without punctuation; it makes the poem sound light and chirpy to reflect the movement of the bird.


Just a few pointers. Hope I helped and wasn't too harsh on you. If you have any questions or feedback, please do PM me.

-Moo

Demoness wrote:The Raven call



A whisper in the air, “you did not catch me”

I love this line ^

ahah, you poem is beautiful, its dark and twisted, and sets the scene. Very cool(:

-Dalliance

Thanku very much
And Moo, i like getting advices but i would appricate if u mentioned something that was good aswell,