Whirlwind

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Hey everyone, I would like to present another story of mine. This story is inspired by true events (the realistic part happened to me earlier this week). Enjoy.

Whirlind

I lay awake in my bed, tossing and turning. My mind was alive with thoughts, thoughts I did not want.

Sure, the thoughts in my head would have made a great story, but they were far too chaotic and confused to be put together.

As I lay there, tossing and turning, I struggled to navigate the sea. The current was too strong. I could not make it through.

The thoughts were turning too fast in my head, it kept me awake. Not only that, those thoughts were constantly being thrown against my skull. I could feel it.

Oh, this needs to stop now. If the storm does not subside soon, I will not sleep tonight.

In my mind, I pulled the boat ashore. Stepping out, I exited my head.

I soon took the reigns, gaining control over the other parts of my body.

As I had run over three miles earlier, my legs were naturally worn. It was no surprise I had difficulty controlling them. Funny, they hadn’t started to ache until the storm brewed in my head. Are they related?

I shook off the thought, throwing it off into the nothingness before me. The calm thought dissipated into the air like smoke. I wish I could have done that with the stormy ones in my mind. I’m afraid it just wasn’t that easy.

I managed to glance over at a nearby clock, 4:00 A.M.

Lifting myself up, My eyes adjusted further to the darkness.

Sighing deeply, I figured the situation had become more urgent. With the time I thought it was, I knew I only had two hours to make it to the quiet place in the center of the sea.

I opened the door to my bedroom. I trudged down the hallway, and soon slumped into the kitchen.

I needed something to quell the storm. A painkiller might do the trick.

I popped open the fridge, hopeful I could find something. I needed something to wash down the pill with.

With dismay, I closed the fridge. There wasn’t anything in there for me.

I looked to my left, and there sat a water container. I guess that will have to do. I thought.

I reached into the cabinet above me, grabbing the small container of painkillers. I then went over and filled a nearby glass with the water.

In one swift gulp, I had downed both the water and the two pills I had taken.

This should take care of my headache, I thought, and maybe my legs too.

After setting the glass down where it was before, I put the medicine back into the cabinet.

I slowly made my way back to my room, not making any sound as I went. I was too out of it to make noise, that was for sure.

I slowly closed the door to my bedroom behind me. If it made a sound, I didn’t hear it, because I didn’t care enough at that point.

I plopped myself down on the bed once more. The pain was driving me toward violence, as was with my entrance underneath the sheets. I bounced around on the mattress a few times, trying to get comfortable, before I actually settled down.

I closed my eyes, and went back toward the boat in my mind. It was time to attempt another crossing.

As I looked out at the storm before me, I was distraught. It showed no sign of subsiding, and the clock was ticking.

After looking at it for a few seconds – during which my body shifted in response to the pain – I broke.

I screamed toward the heavens, thought I made no sound. After all, I was inside my head; no scream was actually exuded from my mouth.

“Why? Stop this!” I yelled. But the storm did not cease in the slightest.

And so, all I could do was wait. That was all I could do, after all the pain killers did have to do their job. I just wished they could work faster, for I was on a tight schedule.

When the storm calmed down just enough, I got into my boat once again. The journey to the center of my mind could now be made.

Paddling slowly, I made very careful not to be tipped over. While the winds had died down, and the currents weren’t in a frenzy, things were still dangerous. At least my physical body had stopped moving.

It was a good seven minutes before I was able to reach my destination. And it was by my very presence there that something happened.

Everything went dark. It was what I had been hoping for the whole time. Even thought the storm was still in partial effect around me, I wasn’t worried. Like the eye of a hurricane, the center of this storm was calm and peaceful.

I docked on the small island in the middle, having completed my journey. Now I could attend to what I was supposed to be doing.

It was time for my body’s daily repair. Sleep at last. I thought, and then I went to work.
Call me RK :)




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Hey, I thought your descriptions were very vivid, but the plot itself fell kind of flat. There isn't anything extremely eye catching about it. It's just another "person can't sleep" story. Why can't he sleep? What are some of the thoughts that are going through his head? Also, maybe add in some action to keep the reader interested. So, spice it up a bit by adding in some action (maybe he's fighting sea monsters in his mind) and checking the refrigerator is such an everyday thing. Think up of something... weirder. Maybe he gets up and instead of checking the fridge (like a majority of people do when they can't sleep) he goes outside and performs a rain chant (okay, that's a little out there, but I think you get my point).

Your character: You didn't give us much to work with. Right now, he seems two-dimensional. Develop him some more and really make readers feel sympathy towards him.

Other than that, this has a whole bunch of potential. Your descriptions are wonderful and I like how you describe his inner thoughts and mind as a storm at sea.

Good luck,
Embee
One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain. - Bob Marley




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Thanks for the reply. I couldn't really do much in terms of action, because for one I never thought of it. And two, this is a slight recounting of what I did a few nights ago, with a little spin on it.

It's more of an imagery story than anything, I think.
Call me RK :)



Go and make interesting mistakes, make amazing mistakes, make glorious and fantastic mistakes. Break rules. Leave the world more interesting for your being here.
— Neil Gaiman