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I didn't have a title for this, so if you can think of something, let me know!! Just something I had written ages ago and found on my USB the other day.


Don’t say it’ll never happen to you. I said it, and look where I am now. An orphan, abandoned by my parents because of turbulence.

These last three weeks have seemed like an eternity. My life is missing – where are my parents, the ones who made everything complete? Distant relatives cannot fill gaps; friends cannot give you the same laughter.

Coffee will never be the same again.


I stand in the house alone. Everything is still how it was, as if 160 souls had not been lost over the Atlantic ocean. Car keys and other items lay scattered around. Instructions stuck on the fridge.

Don’t forget your soccer uniform this time! No Mum to drop it off for you!

The mail piles up high on the kitchen counter. Bills, overdue library books. Postcards. The tropical rainforests of North Queensland. St. Kilda in Melbourne. Cradle Mountain in Tasmania.

Painful memories of holidays creep up. I push them away.

Lost videos are found and played on the TV, over and over again. More memories fill my mind, more tears fall silently down my face.

People come and go, filling the house. It still feels empty, and I feel like a ghost, walking about in someone else's life. I can't bear to stay, but I must. This is the only part of them I have to cling on to.

My friends get to stay over. It's only a week until school starts.

School. Memories bombard my mind once more.

Pre-primary. Tears and fears.

Year Seven. Graduation. Crying mother; proud father.

Scenes from a dream. A life once lived, now dead.

There is a funeral, full of colour. It's a bright sunny day, but I can't help thinking about the empty coffins sitting in front of me. Instead of the bodies of my parents, which now lie deep in the ocean, the coffins are filled with personal artefacts. Photos, car keys, childhood toys. What I would give to see them just one more time.

At the wake, people come up to me. But I know I am not all there. They smile at me sympathetically, they take my hand. Pat me on the shoulder. There is a hollow feeling in my stomach as I watch everyone nibbling on sandwiches, talking softly amongst themselves.

My life will never be the same again.

I think you have a good start for something here, but you should probably add on to it. You left me wondering "What now?"
As for the main character, I think you portrayed her personality and her feelings perfectly.
There's only one part of that personality that I think could have been portrayed in a different way, and that part comes across with this line:

Coffee will never be the same again.

All right, so your character likes coffee, but it won't be the same anymore. Why? Is it because the mother isn't around anymore to make it, or simply because the situation makes coffee taste all wrong? You can leave that to the reader to dwell upon, but I think that instead of saying that "coffee will never be the same" you should have your character, at a determined point in your story, sit down to drink coffee but throw it away, then think about how it doesn't taste the same. You should create an image that the reader can relate to.

Also, I think you should eliminate the first paragraph. That sort of beginning is a bit cliche and your first line doesn't actually match the mood of the story. I think you should start with your second paragraph.

These last three weeks have seemed like an eternity.

Now that's a first line that would capture my attention easily.

As for grammar, I'm not the best person to ask about it, but I only noticed one mistake on your work:

, the coffins are filled with personal artefacts

I'm pretty sure it should be artifacts.

You also asked about title... uh...
How about something like "Alone" or "Between Empty Walls"?
Not sure if those are the kind of titles you like, but I think they match. Let me know if you use them.

Apart from that, you did a great job. I really enjoyed reading your piece. And like I said, you portrayed the character's feelings perfectly.


Well, good luck editing!
I hope you let me know if you add on to it.

Car keys and other items lay scattered around. Instructions stuck on the fridge.

Tense shift. The rest of the story is in present tense, so it should be "lie". Also, I think this would flow better if you merged these two together as the second sentence is a fragment: "...and there are instructions stuck on the fridge."

I think this piece would be stronger if you started from "I stand in the house alone." Right now, the first paragraph strikes me as a bit too much while I think the second paragraph would work better before the "My life will never be the same again" line as reinforcement and a transition from the funeral to the narrator's feelings. As far as the coffee line goes, it was interesting, and I liked it, but you didn't follow through and tie it into the rest of this, so I think it should be removed. Currently, it just doesn't fit.

Overall, though, this was pretty solid. You got across the feelings of shock and numb grief well, I thought, and the prose was clear and concise, which is something I always appreciate.

As far as title suggestions go, how about "Never the Same" since it seems to be the main theme of this story?

Hey there Austenite. Since you reviewed “Hemlock” for me, I figured I would review something for you!
And I’m going to start with a few nitpicks.

Coffee will never be the same again.

This was actually the sentence that really drew me in. I read it and was like...huh? Wait! What?

Everything is still how it was, as if 160 souls had not been lost over the Atlantic ocean.

No Mum to drop it off for you!

Huh? I don’t really understand what’s going on in either of these sentences.


OVERALL, this was well constructed, I think, but I’m actually a little confused as to what is going on. I think the whole point is that this girl’s parents were killed when they were on a cruise and the ship sank. Or am I wrong?

And the thing about the friends coming over, is this a memory on a tape or is this actually happening?

Not only that, but what did coffee have to do with any of this?

I think this does need a little more work and the idea needs some roughing out and filling in but I think you have the skizzles to make it awesome. Good luck!

~lilymoore