With my hands tucked in the pocket of my hoodie I walked the block to my house, trying to figure out whether or not I was dreaming. Mom isn’t home yet, so I don’t have to sneak into the back yard. Sam’s laying on the disarray of towels and old blankets I managed to sneak to him. His tail starts thumping on the hard concrete at the sight of me. I mix the last of the hotdogs in with his dry food. Normally I’d let him run around the backyard for awhile. But since I was with James when I should have been here, there’s not enough time till Mom gets home. I sit down at the foot of an old, worn out recliner, and bounce a tennis ball of the wall while Sam eats. When he’s done I throw the ball up for him to catch. He’s not the best at it, but it keeps him occupied.
I go inside to an empty house. I turn the TV on and lounge on the couch. Nothing on but old reruns of Scrubs. Bottle purrs and rubs against my legs, I kick him away but he’s back in a matter of seconds.
“Alright already, I’ll feed you just hold on.” I hiss at him. I have to use a knife to get the packages of food open. The sight of the blade makes me tingle all over. Maybe just a little prick. A voice says in my head. You know you want to. What could it hurt? screeches another. I touch the cold knife to my wrist, run my finger over the groove of the blade. I swipe the jagged edge across my wrist. At first I thought it didn’t work but the diagonal slash soon filled red. Little bubbles of crimson seep from the cut when I remember something James said earlier. You don’t have to do that ya know.
I can feel the tears again. The truth is I do. I do have to do this, although I don’t know why. I don’t think I have a problem, but I do. I don’t really believe I’m addicted, but I am. I remember reading somewhere that whenever you get a cut, your body releases chemicals to calm you down. Well, it works.
In the end, Bottle doesn’t get fed until Mom gets home. By then Claire had slithered in the door, talking NyQuil fueled insanity. I had just layed down to go to sleep when my phone rings.
“Hello?” I say.
“Omigod Liz!” Sara’s voice booms through the phone, “Why didn’t you tell me you had a new boyfriend?”
“What are you talking about?” I say, still a little ticked that she’s calling so late.
“Carla and Seth, which by the way are officially over as of tomorrow, but don’t tell Carla, said that the saw you making out with some guy this afternoon. Now who is he, how’d you meet him? You know, all the dirty details, spare nothing.” I know better then to try and get out of this. Sometimes Sara is such a pest.
“Well, he’s not my boyfriend. But, his name’s James, and I met him at school, and as for dirty details,” I try to think of something to please her. “I got nothing.”
“Aw come on Liz. You expect me to believe that you were making out with some guy, whose not your boyfriend, on a street corner, and there’s no dirty details?” She does have a point. “Come on Lizzy. I have to know.”
“No really, there’s nothing. I met him at school a few weeks ago, that’s pretty much it.”
“Yea, sure. Well when there are some, tell me. But hey, do you think Seth likes me?”
When I finally fall asleep I have a strange dream.
The room is dark, and seems to never end. I can feel people beside me, but all they are is fuzzy blobs. I hear someone talking. But I can’t understand a word.
The next day after school, I see Sara talking with Seth and smile. Man, is there anything she can’t do? She sees me and winks.
I get home around four thirty. It’s not a long walk I’m just in no hurry. The house is silent. I check on Sam and let him run around the yard for a while. Five fifteen. That’s when I went inside and cranked the stereo. Five twenty, when I tried to feed Bottle. I don’t hesitate, I lay my hand on the counter and swipe the inside of my palm.
“Liz what in the world are you doing?” The voice makes me jump, instinctively dropping the knife. I turn to see my mother standing in the door way. I bend too pick up the knife and try to play it cool.
“Feeding the cat.” I say in a smart aleck tone. “These darn packages are impossible to open.”
“Impossible to open my ass!” She walks over to me, “Lemme see your hand.”
“I cut it when I dropped the knife.” I lie and give her my hand.
“How many times you drop that knife? ’Cause you sure didn’t cut your hand dropping it while I’ve been here.”
“Ya I did Mom. How else could it have happened?” I know I’m probably gonna get smacked, but I don’t have anything to lose at this point.
“Liz Williams, I stood right there,” She pointed to the door way, “and watched you cut your hand with that knife!”
“Mom?” Claire comes down the stairs, her eyes red and puffy. She’d been crying again, that much was obvious. “What’s going on?”
“I don’t know. Why don’t you ask your sister? She seems to be full of answers today.” She yells to Claire.
“Mom nothing is going on.” I try, “It was an accident. I dropped the knife, like, a minute before you walked in, and I was trying to figure out how bad it was.”
“It’s true.” Claire vouches for me, “I saw her, and I just went upstairs to look for some band-aids. We don’t have any by the way.”
“Are you sure Claire?” She says, never taking her eyes off me, “Seeing as you are the only other honest person in this family.”
“Ya Mom, I’m sure. Come on Liz, let’s wash your hand up.” I follow her reluctantly. I half expect her to tell me how stupid I am, not that I don’t already know that. But she doesn’t. I know Mom didn’t believe her, she’d ask about it later. She’d ask when I wasn’t paying attention so I’d let something slip
“Thanks for backing me up.” I say once I know Mom can’t hear us from downstairs.
“Ya well,” she looked at the ceiling, “now we’re even.”
“But, you didn’t owe me anything.”
“Actually, I do. You know your little friend, um… Sara right?”
“Yea I know who your talking about.” I say confused. I turn the faucet in the bathroom on, and wash my cut out. I don’t want to, but I don’t have another option.
“Well… I was the one who Keith was cheating with. I’m sorry Liz I didn’t want to, but, well he has connections.”
“You’re not the only one, he was with James’ sister too.” I say. She shakes her head.
“No just me. Trust me Liz, every second he wasn’t with your friend, he was with me. He wouldn’t have time for anyone else. Did you say James? Where have I heard that name before?” She thinks about it for awhile but comes up short.
“He had time. James wouldn’t lie to me.” I know that’s true, I know it, I know it.
“I don’t know ’bout that Lizzy. All guys are the same. The sooner you learn that the better.” She looks extremely frustrated, “Where have I heard that name?” She spaces out the words as though they we’re separate sentences.
I run into my room. I know Mom will be up here any minute. I need to get out of here, but its only five thirty. Two more hours till I have to meet James. I climb out the window and jump to the ground. Ignoring my throbbing ankle, I climb the back fence and half run half walk down the ally. Where I’m going I have no clue.
