1 wish

I wrote this 2 years ago, and I just found it.


Just one wish,
is all I want.
Just a chance,
to be all I'm not.

The wish to live
without fear,
is a wish that
seems so mear.

One day of perfection,
would be great.
But even I know,
It's an endless wait

Hi,scremaandshout
I like this poem. Especially the first stanza. I think we all wish to be something we aren't even if we could do it for a day. This poem is deep and it is really, really good! Good vocabulary and punctuation. So keep writing! PM me if you have anything you want me to review!

KAH

I'm guessing that since you wrote this so long ago that your writing has improved since then, but it's nice to go back and look at old things you've written. I like the first and third stanzas, but I would make them couplets and take out the commas, except after "but even I know." I don't like the third stanza because, first of all I don't know what mear means (is that even a word? Spell Check is giving it a red underline.), and it doesn't fit the rhythm of the poem as well as the other two stanzas. Overall, I like the idea of the poem and the way you formatted it. Just keep writing!

~Amylith

Hey screamandshout!

I liked this poem. For someone who wrote when they were 11 is pretty impressive . The wording was done well and the choice of words was good. It is nice an simple and perfect length. What we need more of on YWS are poems like this-simple. My favourite stanza was the last especially the end line:

One day of perfection,
would be great.
But even I know,
It's an endless wait

The is the taste of perfection I am experiencing.

Keep up the good work!

MWAHAHAHA!
-RepublicOfCoter

Hiya,

I'm a bit torn over my thoughts on this poem. For one thing, I really like the spirit and idea behind this poem; I can relate to it a lot. It's very simple, but at the price of being vague, story-wise. You'll see what I'm saying a bit later, but I just want to mention something quick first. Even though this is two years old, I'm going to be any softer on the critique--you've posted this because something sparked your interest and you want to improve it, right? Anyway.

screamandshout wrote:Just one wish,
is all I want.
Just a chance,
to be all I'm not.

This is a very nice beginning and was what got hooked me onto this poem. You do a very good job of catching the reader here, simply because there will always be something about ourselves that we will not be happy with. What caught me though is the bit I've highlighted. 'All I'm not'? This comes off as a bit unrealistic and seems to set the stage for whining. I don't want this to become a whining poem--it has so much potential. Thankfully, you don't reduce to that directly. But you never expand on why the narrator is unhappy with their life and wants more, and it feels like whining. So, try to reach out to us, like you did so wonderfully at first. What's wrong with the narrator? Dive into various scenarios that will get us to know the narrator. If you do that, we'll understand exactly what the narrator is going through and be a lot more interested in it.

Good luck! I'd love to see a revision of this. PM me if you have any further questions.

-Elinor x

screamandshout wrote:The wish to live
without fear,
is a wish that
seems so mear.

I love this little part. It is my favorite part of the entire poem. You've taken, in four lines, something that nearly everyone wants and put it perfectly. I do think you meant near instead of mear, but typos happen.

I would love to see what you are writing now, considering you wrote this two years ago. It's a very nice little poem and it picks the reader up. Good work!

Hello!

To me, this poem feels very lacking at the moment. It's got the basic idea down, but there is a lot ore that needs to be added before it's ready by any means.

I think you need to flesh it out a little more. 'Wishing' is a nice topic, a sweet topic, and I would love to have more of that in your poem. You need to get the emotions through more, rather than just telling us a few of the basics.

I also think that you really need to change the rhyming in this poem. It means that you're stuck with having to fit everything into a structure, whereas it would be a lot better if you left yourself free to write what you want!

Hope this helps.

-Amy

Hi Screamandshout!

screamandshout wrote:Just one wish,
is all I want.
Just a chance,
to be all I'm not.

This is a very good start. The rhyme is nice and natural.

The wish to live
without fear,
is a wish that
seems so mear.

What is "mear"? Did you mean "near"?

One day of perfection,
would be great.
But even I know,
It's an endless wait

Pretty nice, but...where's the rest? Is this all? That's what I feel like right now, as if there should be a lot more to this. I know you wrote this a while ago, and your writing skills have almost undoubtedly improved since that time, but if you ever want to edit this anyways, that's something you should definitely do. Give us history, backstory, setting, imagery! More!

Hi Screamandshout!

I had a review ready for this last night, but I fell asleep before I could post it. I decided to rewrite the review instead of giving you nonsense.

You've got a skeleton of a poem here. It's a nice start, with a good flow and idea that catches the reader right off the bat.
I like to call it the "hook" which is usually a term for prose. But it's important in poetry too. Otherwise nothing is carrying your reader along and by the end, they won't like it all that much. So that's a good thing.

One day of perfection,
would be great.

But, you lack any solid form of imagery. Think of it as knitting, say, a scarf. You're slowly developing something line by line. What does perfection look like? For all I know these days it could be Twilight O__o
So what does this perfection look like? What happens? Be descriptive.

And to describe something, you want to make comparisons. So a perfect day, would the sun be shining? Would there be flowers? Would there be dancing? Well then, to give the reader a sense of that you could say something like: A flowering light dancing with the clouds.

Try to make those connections.

Overall, I think you should leave this poem be. It's sweet and trying to incorporate any sort of imagery might be a little difficult. Try to apply this to the future poems you may write yes?

Good luck,

Kamas

wow this is super good. i really like this. i like how its simple, and everyone can relate to this. it tells a story of how you just want one thing, one wish.

Hey there!

One day of perfection,
would be great.
But even I know,
It's an endless wait

I like this part! I don't know why, but I just do.

Keep up the good work! You're good.

-KAT <3

This poem is great! Simple yet emotional at the same time! I really like it! Keep on writing, you have a talent! Especially for poetry!

~Lindsay
"When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty." ~W.C. Fields

Just one wish
is all I want.
Just a chance,
to be all I'm not.

The wish to live without
fear is a wish that
seems so mear.

One day of perfection,
would be great.
But even I know,
It's an endless wait



I really Really like this poem is Awsome you really have a ture talent

screamandshout wrote:I wrote this 2 years ago, and I just found it.


Just one wish,
is all I want.
Just a chance,
to be all I'm not.

The wish to live
without fear,
is a wish that
seems so mear.

One day of perfection,
would be great.
But even I know,
It's an endless wait

I love finding poems that I've written awhile back and finding a new appreciation for it!
I actually quite like this. It's personal, raw, and short. What's not to love?

For what it is, it's sublime!

This is a very good portrayal of how much society today wishes to be so much more than they are. Well said.
I enjoyed it. In fact, I wish it could have been somewhat longer!
One bit of critisizm: You seemed to start rhyming in the second and third stanza. What happened to the first?
And yet I don't blame you, because finding something to rhyme with want is hard.
Keep up the good work.