Awake

Awake my darling,
Hear your children crying.
They fear pain in your soul,
They see vein as you moan,
Moan your secret life away.
Won’t you kneel and pray?
Before you crash and burn,
Show some concern.
Brush away the negative,
Brush away the primitive
Thinking, and see the new light
Before it is out of sight.
Awake my darling,
Hear your children crying.
Do not ignore their tears.
Aspire, inspire...cheers!

I'm not quite sure what you're going for here, aside from the very classic, cliche encouragement/think positive message.
A couple of your lines don't make sense, or sound very out of place, or trite: "They see vein as you moan"? What? "They fear pain in your soul" is awkward. Lots of overused phrases: "crash and burn", "see the new light"...
The ending falls flat.
Try making this a bit more original. Expand it, or dig a bit deeper, or give it some depth: something other than this repetition of common images and overly plain injonctions for cheer.

ziggiefred wrote:Awake my darling,
Hear your children crying.
They fear pain in your soul,
They see vein as you moan,
Moan your secret life away.
Won’t you kneel and pray?
Before you crash and burn,
Show some concern.
Brush away the negative,
Brush away the primitive
Thinking, and see the new light
Before it is out of sight.
Awake my darling,
Hear your children crying.
Do not ignore their tears.
Aspire, inspire...cheers!

i love it it's great im not very religious but the lines as well as everything else "Moan your secret life away.
Won’t you kneel and pray?" really capture a certain aspect of the human life

Very well done it really told a story as with other poems i read i have no idea what they are talking about so way to go. keep it up i look forward to reading more of your piece.

This was an okay poem. I liked some of the lines, but as Jagged said, some don't make sense.

Keep writing!

- RedRaven

I could not understand bits of it, but some lines are quite interesting though, it’s like I can grab the concept but then you keep losing me. But anyway the writing gets better