Death

Death is the instant when you close your eyes and your heart ceases to beat.
The friends and family remembered you for your quite demeanor and kindhearted face.
But they did not know of your secrets, or of your past.
Your once seemingly quiet and carefree life was but one endless lie.

For you are not a person with a constant smile or a gentle face.
You are dead with your gaseous reek of decay, and your peeling scraps of skin.
You, the Dead Man with your loose teeth and your eyes filled with flesh flies, maggots, and bacteria.

Your innards have burst, liquified and fermented.
You are the Dead Man and I am but the Reaper of Death who sees the lies you have concocted.


If you like it press the LIKE button, thanks!
Peace,
Snickerdooly

Hey, Fade here!

First of all, I really like the idea behind your poem, but I would suggest breaking it up a bit more.

Death is that moment
when you close your eyes
and your heart stops beating.
And as you lay there
your soul flies away
to someplace greater.
As your soul
leaves behind your body,
your limbs grow cold.
Your skin and insides turn solid.
The only thing left
is the shell of your life.

I think if you put it like this it looks and reads a bit more like a poem and less like prose (normal speech). I really do love the poem, though. It is very honest, up front, and doesn't beat around the bush. that is the type of poetry I like.

Keep Writing,

Fade

This was very short and not very poetic. It reads more like a description of the symptoms of death rather than a poem about death. Basically, it's too literal, and there's nothing that makes this stand out as a poem, specifically. I suggest you use some more poetic devices (like simile, metaphor, etc.) to describe what death is in an interesting and unique fashion. Right now, what you have is boring.

Hello
It really did not feel like I was reading a poem here. Maybe the beginning of a story perhaps. And I really did not feel any poetic elements. But, maybe your style or the way you arranged the structure is the poetic gesture; if I put it that way then I think it sounds better. I like the way you described death, good.

(Be warned I'm harsh, but I do this to help the person)

Hello, I'm LastPaladin and this read more like a dictionary definition of death with an added religious context. Not only that, but you don't even try, you ignore the idea of show don't tell, preferring to neglect this and isntead give us a bland and pointless diatribe about death and how something greater await us. Not that you're free to have your own beliefs, but it's thrown in haphazardly may I add, making this not even a dictionary defintion of what happens when we die.

You lack images, anything solidly interesting and you bore us with things we all know. Death may be inevitable but everyone has different feelings about it, make it personal to ya. Make us experience ya emotions on death. Don't give us a bland paragraph on what we already known, with religious context rammed in without warning.

Now is there any redeemable features about this? I'm not sure personally, nothing struck me about this. I've seen the show, brought the t-shirt. But I reckon with a bit of work and some time, you could improve this and make it seem more persona, make us feel how ya feel about death.

Hope this helps.

Hey - I think that this could have been a really good poem had you continued it - it was REALLY short. But your description was really good in my opinion, so well done!

WOW. that was awsome. Really what death is like. I wouldn't know... ahheh... hehehe... hhmmmm... sorry I seriously dont know what death is like. Sorry I'm just odd and horribly cruel. If you get on the wrong side of me, the wrong side of me is devilishly charming. I'm without the nice side is what worries most people. My good side is a shadow of my dark side so just ignore the dark side and you will be writhing with pain. Yes that doesn't make muche sense... to you. To people who know me they know why I say this and why it makes sense. Im watching the incredibles. Stupid movie really but I like it in a weird way. Good guy is choking a nice person. doesnt that go against his moral. I know it doesnt. I want to see some explosions. Why dont they have more of that in these movies. Wouldnt it be great if Beauty and The Beast was dark. My mom is the music director and I'm belle. Love the rold but everything is better dark. Including stories. arent I just a very dark person. Well anyway really good poem and very very very very very very dark and deathlike. Wouldnt that be deadly? Antidisastablishmentarianism. Hah. Goodbye.

I liked this, it was quite powerful.
I also liked the length of it, short and sweet. The detail was nice also, put some good images in my head of the true feelings that actually surround death.
Though I dont know what death feels like I do know the feeling of losing someone so this is really good.
I especially liked:

Death is that moment when you close your eyes and your heart stops beating.

Was good.
Well done!

Hey! I think this was indeed a bit short and you could make it better by fleshing it out a bit. I think the main thing is that you don't touch on any emotion, the impact on a person's family, or anything like that and if you did it would make it deeper. I quite liked the layout of the poem as it's not the kind of layout you often see, with the length of the lines, but it didn't give it much rhythm. So, expand! Describe, and inject emotion. You have the beginnings of a good poem, you just need to make some more of it.

I thought that this was a very interesting poem, almost like a vary detailed definition.

Maybr you could of split it up into stanzas a bit as it did drone on a bit after a while.

Keep typing! It's really good!

Hey guys thanks for reviewing!! I edited this piece and added to it, I also changed the idea of the poem a bit hope you enjoy! Feedback would be great.
Peace,
Snickerdooly

I like how this portrays the harsh reality of death rather than the more poetic aspects that most others tend to focus on. Since the bigger themes have already been addressed, I'll just point out a couple of nitpicks.

Your once seemingly quiet and jovial are but one giant lie.

This sentence is awkwardly worded. You seem to be using the adjectives "quiet" and "jovial" as nouns, in which case they should be "quietness" and "joviality."

For you are not a person with a constant smile or and kind face.

I think you mean for "and" to be "any?"

You, the Dead Man with your loose teeth and your eyes filled with flesh flies, maggots, bacteria.

Whatever happened to the process of embalming? Haha.

May your innards burst, liquify and ferment.

Nice. Gross, but nice. The only problem I have with this line is the first word. While the rest of the poem presents as fact what happens after death, the word "may" turns this line into a sort of curse, as if the narrator is wishing this on the person in question. This does not fit with the rest of the poem.

You are the Dead Man and I am but the grim reaper who see's beyond your lies.

If "Dead Man" is capitalized, then "grim reaper" should be too, or vice versa. They both function as names. Also, "see's" should not have the apostrophe, as it is a verb.

Overall: Nice poem, a little disgusting; but at least it's not trying to sugarcoat anything. Good job!

Okay I will reveiw your poem again.

Death is that moment when you close your eyes and your heart stops beating.
As you lay there your soul flies away to some place greater.
Your soul leaves behind your body, your limbs grow cold.
Your skin and insides turn solid.

Family and friends remember you for your constant smile, and your kindhearted face.
But they do not know of your secrets, or of your past.
Your once seemingly quiet and jovial are but one giant lie.

For you are not a person with a constant smile or and kind face.
You are dead with your gaseous reek of decay, and your peeling scraps of skin.
You, the Dead Man with your loose teeth and your eyes filled with flesh flies, maggots, bacteria.This seems a bit weird to have bacteria right there. It sounds weird.

May your innards burst, liquify and ferment.This sounds so disgusting. I love it!
You are the Dead Man and I am but the grim reaper who see's beyond your lies.See beyond your lies? Don't you mean see your lies?

It was really good! You should add more stanzas!!!

-thestorygirl

Hi there!

I love the imagery in this poem. While quite gruesome and somewhat revolting, the images are very vivid. I especially like,

You, the Dead Man with your loose teeth and your eyes filled with flesh flies, maggots, and bacteria.

However, and I know a lot of people have said this already, but this sort of feels like the start to a story. Almost like the Grim Reaper's diary entry. It sounds like a prologue, a short one, but nevertheless a prologue. I think if you found more of an idea for this, you could turn it into a novella, or perhaps even a novel. It's poems like these that really get you thinking.
And I'd also like to say that I disagree with LastPaladin, I thought this was great. And it's not a definition of the word, I think it goes much deeper than that. It's more like your personal feelings surrounding death.


Mmm, I love it.

Great! Very descriptive, a bit of a downer! I like it because downers are my cup of tea! Really awesome though! Keep it up!