Vampire Love

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In the dark, alone without our loves, tied with ropes we always wanted to die by going to sleep, but we both knew that could not happen to the likes of us……Even though one of us is invincible…or so we thought……



Chapter one



“Kairi, we are not going into that club full of sweaty, foul smelling people. It’s disgusting!” Allora complains to her one and only best friend, as she towed Allora to the entrance of The Viper Club. “Allora, it won’t be that bad, it’s a nice way to meet new people, besides we need someone to keep us busy…” “But...but…but” Allora whined yanking Kairi to a stop, trying to stall. “We are how old?” Kairi asked. “Well, nineteen” Allora said pouting. “Isn’t about time we work on our relationships?” Kairi asked Allora with a questioning smirk. Allora made a deep growl in her throat, “Who is the Dark One here? You or me?” Kairi glared at Allora. “You are certainly the Dark One…but I never get to chose, Mistress…and we need a drink…” Kairi winks. “Fine, but I have my thirst under control.” Allora muttered under her breath. “Thank you, but you don’t have your anger under control, and there are plenty of cute guys.” Kairi chuckles and nudges Allora. Allora let a long angry growl, “You just want me out of your hair, huh?” Kairi looks back and growls and a guy looks at Allora and dashes down the street walk way and knocks down a trash can. “See your anger is able to be seen by the human eye!” Kairi states laughing. Allora rolls her eyes as she shakes her long lushous black sun-kissed natural highlighted hair over her broad shoulders. “Let’s go get ourselves some insolent males” Allora says sarcastically to her best friend. Kairi chuckles and walks toward the entrance, tugging on Allora’s long silky black sleeves of her v-cut shirt.
The security guard ogles at Allora and Kairi, raking their bodies up and down, especially Allora’s short black mini-skirt and Kairi’s Black and purple checkered extra mini cargo shorts with chains hanging on it, before he lets them inside the midnight-dark club. Again Allora rolls her blue (almost white) eyes as her friend laughs out loud. “Hey, Allora you might find a cute guy…!” Kairi chuckles gawking at a guy that she sees in her sight then fixing. “You can probably find I guy but no male will get to-” Allora cut off her sentence because she saw a tall guy with dirty-blonde hair and eyes of teal “Yeah, right,” Kairi scoffed, “looks to me that you have already found a guy that satisfies your needs and likings.” Right at that moment the male that they were talking about glared in their direction. Allora felt like her whole body turned into molten lava, and fire going through her veins. Then a guy who was 2 ft. taller than Kairi stop to look at her, he had midnight black hair with bright purple eyes that was walking with the last guy.”Hello ladies” said the shorter guy. “Would you two like to enjoy a drink with us?” said the taller one. Allora was the first one to recover, “I don’t know….we are new here and we are just going to hang out, we don’t usually drink” Allora nudged Kairi. “Come on girls it will be fun, it won’t get out of control.” Kairi looks at Allora and smiles.”Can I speak with you Allora?” Kairi scoots toward Allora. “What?” Allora growls at her friend. Kairi flinches a second before she straitened once again. “Just come over here I need to speak with you privately…….please Mistress Allora?” Kairi glares at the 2 guys that were right in front of them. Allora propelled Kairi toward the wall. When they get there Allora repeated her question. “This is our chance, and lower your temper please, can you keep it cool for just a day?” Kairi glares at the guys once more and turn back to face Allora with a pleading face. Allora eyes lighten to a dark blue, “ You don’t know how hard it is it to keep my temperature down when I don’t want to be here in the first place!” “Allora, please at least try, you need to feed, and please do it for me…” Kairi said pleading. Allora took a couple of deep breaths to calm down. “Fine, but only this once, okay?” Kairi cheered lightly and gave Allora two air-kisses on the cheek and Allora said though her teeth, “I told you not to do that!” Kairi just shrugged her slender shoulders and walked off looking down with a gloomy face. “don’t be so negative Allora” Kairi walked toward the guys ruffling her black and blue hair then took a deep breath and opened her electric blue eyes. The shortest guy gasped when Kairi opened her eyes.“Sooooo will ya’ll have a drink or not?” asked the shorter guy. Allora beat her there, even though Kairi was ahead of her. Allora sighed,“ Yeah, I guess we have to have a little “fun”. The tall guy put on a small sly smile when the short guy said, “I’m Zero Lelove and this dude on my right is Chase Duelds.” Allora said, “I’m Allora Foxy and my friend Kairi Castanet” The tall handsome male whose name is Chase suddenly said, “We already have a table for four” Allora was suspicious on how they got a private table in a place in The Viper.
While the guys were leading the girls to their table Kairi asked, “Sooooo….how did ya’ll get a private table…I mean this club cost like 500 dollars for one table” Kairi asked with a questioning smile. “Well we have a lot of money on our plate sooooo….as of right now you could consider us rich.” Stated Zero, while muttering something to Chase. “Hey, Chase these girls are like hawks…do you think they will figure out what we are?” Zero asked glancing slightly over his shoulder. “I think they are vamps. But, I'm not sure.” Whispered Chase. “Whatever you’re whispering up there I can hear you,” Allora shouted at them. “Hey, guys I—“Kairi cut short “You think right then, because you and your friend are right, we are just like you.” Zero stated with a sly smile. “Damn! Kairi I told you not to think of those thoughts!” Allora sighed as she shoved her friend. “Oh well, I’m sorry, Mistress they would have figured out sooner or later…” Kairi sighed walking toward the table. “So, I guess you girls don’t want a drink now…..” Sighed Chase “Well Kairi is not whole….I am the one who helped when she was about to die” Allora explained “Yeah, she needs a drink…she is much nicer and not so negative when she has feed.” Explained Kairi, biting her lower bloody red lip. Allora growled at Kairi when the two male vampires were laughing out loud. “You see…?! She needs a drink who wants to donate?” whispered Kairi and the she winked. “I will…..be my pleasure...Miss. Foxy.” Chase informs her with a shy smile with a hint of danger. “Wait, what?! Don’t I get a say in this?!?!” Allora glared at Kairi. “You know you need it, if someone lets you that should make you feel slightly better….” Kairi explained to Allora. “I only feed from mortals, never another whole vampire before…” Allora said in a shy voice. “Well, you could try if you don’t like it you don’t have to do it ever again….I promise” Chase suggested shrugging, trying to hide his smile. “But…but…what about our thoughts…I never allow strangers to read my mind unless I need to…but vampires could…get into my mind without any problems..” Allora shuttered. Chase took one step toward Allora and said “Allora, what if I said I promise not to read your thoughts…?” Kairi chuckled and said “Yea, you two…… I’m going to take a seat now…with Zero and have a short talk.” Kairi and Zero walked off to the table and started laughing. Allora blushed. “Where do you want to do this, Mistress?” Chase asked while taking another step toward Allora. “Well…if we do it right here people would start freaking out…” Allora said looking at the dance floor. “Well…I rented a room here for a night…..” Chase said looking at the floor. Allora felt her face going as red as newborn vampires eyes, “We could go to your room if you want” Chase stared into Allora’s eyes for a quick second then looked at Zero on the other side of the room and Zero nodded while laughing. “Well, sure…as long as you are comfortable with me.” Allora raised one eyebrow and asked, “Should I be afraid?” Chase looked at the floor smiling and then looked up at Allora and said “Well if you consider me scary, I suppose so…..” “Oh, come on I am not afraid of most things” Allora chuckled. “Well, what are you waiting for then, me to die…..?!”
Chase chuckled, leading the way to the room. “No, most vamps don’t die…” Allora said following Chase up the stairs.”Well I could die of you looks.”Chase chuckled seductively and then opened the door to the room and went to the bed and sat down. Allora just stayed at the door way and goggled at the room. The room had red walls with a black trim, huge flat screen TV, black silky bed with a sheer veil around the bed, with a small crystal chandelier that looked as if it was from the 1800’s. “Do you like the room?” Chase asked with a seductive grin. Allora recover just in time. When she answered her voice was shaky, “it is beautiful.” Chase grinned and then he asked “sooooo, how do you want to start this, Madam’?” Allora just shrugged her shoulders and said, “I usually date someone before I do this.” Chase took a sharp breath and said “Well, we could solve that problem….,” Allora’s face turned into a confused way. “How?” Allora asked. Chase looked down at the floor and shot a smile that could make any girl collapse. “Well, we could go out, that’s if you want to….?” “…I guess….we could do that…..” Allora was thinking, “What am I getting into? I never had anyone like this before.” “Well,” Chase walked up to Allora and held her hand…. “don’t feel so bad…I never felt like this…see I kind of feel protective of you even when you can fend for yourself….wow I sound foolish…” he chuckles.
“So you feel the same way I do…..” Allora looked into his midnight blue eyes and blushed again, “Thanks.” Chase slowly leaned in toward Allora and gave her a love bite softly on her silky lower neck, which shimmered in the dim light from the room. Allora sucked in a lungful of his sent that smelled like spicy, but sweet, cinnamon, then groaned. Chase playfully whispered, “Bite me.” Allora whimpered, “how…..soft or hard?” Chase answered “whatever suits you best…” Allora bit Chase’s earlobe, and Chase jerked down and groaned in Allora’s ear. Chase put his hand on the small of her back and grabbed her shirt as she sank her teeth into his marble ice skin. While still holding each other they made the way to the bed. Allora licked the wound that she made on his neck. Chase gently pushed her on the blankets and crawled on top of her. Chase gently put his mouth to hers. Allora felt his mind not trying to reach hers.
“Thank you for keeping your promise” Allora said into his mind. “No problem.”Chase said as he sat up on the bed. “ Did you know that you smell like cinnamon?” Allora asked Chase as he licked her throat. “Really….did you know you smell like a fusion of honey and cinnamon?” Chase asked while leveling with her face.” Not really…” she stated. “Well, your aroma is mouth watering….” Chase said while kissing her carelessly on her lips. “ Yours is to” Allora whispered on his lips. Chase pressed Allora back on the bed and gave a her a very meaningful kiss on her mouth. Chase abruptly stopped and rolled over and growled “they’re coming…” Allora glanced at the door as Kairi and Zero walked in casually. “Sooooo, did you two have a good time?” asked Kairi with a crooked grin. Zero walked in the room and said “looks like you guys had a lot fun to me….” The room went from clean to semi dirty, the blanket was on the floor and one of the pillows was 5 ft from the bed.” Chase got up and strode quickly to Zero and replied, “Why we had a very pleasing time together…..and you?” Zero grabbed Kairi’s hand and said, “Yea…we did…it was one of the most satisfying times I have ever spent with anyone in my entire existence…” Kairi blushed but pulled her hair in front of her face to hide her expression. Zero laughed and pushed the hair from Kairi’s face to plant a kiss on her luscious light frost pink lips. Kairi blushed and went on her tippy toes to kiss him yet again on his light pink, flawless lips. Allora leaped up from the magnificent bed to towed Kairi into the hall way, while the guys stood in the room near the doorway. Allora sighed and asked “Kairi did you kiss him. Or drink his blood?” “If I said maybe would you slay me?” Allora looked back at Zero and Chase to see them talking….Allora could tell they were exchanging talk about how much of a good time they had with their new “friends”…Kairi and Allora herself…..Allora liked Chase but she didn’t think she would be able to stay with him because Kairi and Allora had to go train…. she was good at fighting, but Kairi still needed some more practice. Allora glanced back at Kairi and said “no….no, I would by never have any intentions of destroying you, not even if it costs me my life….” Kairi glanced at the floor and said “Yes, we did kiss and so did you, and yea, I did drink his blood.” Allora let go of Kairi’s arms and then said quickly “We must leave now…” “Why so soon…?” The guys asked in unison staring at them with a dread look. Allora straighten and explained “Kairi has not yet completed her training and I can’t risk that……I would feel hideous if I lost her now….” Kairi looked at Allora and sighed. “Well we could be of assistance and instruct her, we are good at warfare, well at least Chase is….” Zero said as he walked toward Kairi to hold her hands. Chase said, “Well …..I don’t know about that……but we could help…” Chase walked a step nearer to Allora to where his lower abdomen was touching hers. Chase put his hand on her cheek and kissed her on the other. Allora blushed and said “well…I could use help; this girl is a pain in the ass to train.” Kairi blushed while Allora said, “Well, we better get going or Kairi will be here all night”
The guys walked Allora and Kairi home from The Viper. When Allora was on the brake of being unconscious, she remembered the way Chase kissed her on her doorstep. How is the guy she does not know, touch her through the walls of her spirit.
“You are my love” Allora sat up in her double bed when she heard the silky voice in her mind. What was that, Allora asked herself, oh well, it was probably just his blood settling in my body. She laid back and in a couple of minutes she went into the darkness.


Chapter Two



The next morning at exactly 7:15 A.M., Allora opened her eyes, her Blackberry cell phone rang. After briefly looking at the caller ID, she answered the call and Kairi just started chatting in an extremely rapid voice, “look….did you...oh my god!!” “Kairi!” Allora yelled, “Take three deep breaths okay? Now, what’s going on?” Kairi did not answer right away. After a minute Kairi asked “Didn’t you get one?” “Kairi I just opened my eyes, like always” Allora explained, and then asked “what didn’t I get?” Kairi just simply stated “look on your door step.” Allora raised one delicate brown eyebrow and said, “Okay, be right back.” She put down the phone and went down the stairs, to the door of her two story black house. When she opened it, there was twelve dozen black roses in a red vase with a card next to it. Allora picked the flowers and card up then climbed the stairway to her bedroom. She put the roses on the nightstand next to her bed. When she sat on the bed, she opened the card. She gasped at what it said in elegant script.

I’m very glad that I met you last night; I will be at your house at 10:00 am. Plus, Zero is coming too.


With love,
Chase Duelds

“Allora? Allora? Allora!!” She heard, and then she suddenly remembers that Kairi was still on the phone. She ran over to the phone and picked it up and said “Sorry Kairi, I just read the note. Zero and chase are going to be here at 10:00!” Kairi laughs and said “told you so! Go take a shower and I will be there in 30 minutes. Kay?” “Bye, Kairi!” Allora hung up and got a towel, her training clothes, and ran to the shower. She tried to hurry but the hot water felt so wonderful, like you were secure and you were safe, for that amount of time that you were in this safe warm water that now surrounded you. Right when she was rinsing her shampoo out of her silk like hair a very familiar voice said “Allora, I’m here. Yesh, it’s been almost an hour and your still in the shower. You are the slowest person I know, god damn it hurry up girl” Allora let out a grateful sigh when she sensed that the voice belonged to her best friend Kairi. She finished rinsing and drying off with the same pace as before. While Allora was getting her training clothes on she asked Kairi “did you bring any extra clothes?” Kairi who was reading Allora’s note, answered in a low voice and a confused look upon her face, “Hmmmm? Oh, yeah I brought a whole trunk-full. Like always…This is a romantic note Chase gave you, I find it very thoughtful. Zero gave me a single black rose it’s beautiful...” Allora glared at Kairi while her best friend was continuously making kissing noises. Allora chuckled, while shaking her hair that was in a bun at the nape of her neck, and said, “Let’s go down to the backyard”. Kairi paused while Allora was walking in the hall Allora stopped and only turned her head to the side and said gracefully “look who’s being slow now” Kairi glared at allure and sprinted toward Allora and stood at the door to the backyard. Allora walked down the stairs and opened the back door.
Allora and Kairi sat in the shade of a big Cherry Blossom tree until 9:30; Then Allora heard a strange noise. “Kairi stand your guard, now!” Allora shouted to her daydreaming friend. Kairi jumped up and saluted, “yes, sir I mean ma’am...sorry…” Kairi gulped with fear while looking her master in the eyes with sorrow. Allora glared at Kairi and then laughed and turned the other way. Just a few minutes later Allora heard a faint sigh, she turned around only to see Kairi locking lips with zero who was hanging up-side down from the tree above. Allora was just about to stop the two of them when she heard a soft voice near her ear that sent shivers up and down her spine; “Did you like the flowers and the note?” She whirled around to see a chest with little blonde hairs, and a white half-way buttoned shirt. She tried to look up but only felt Chase’s lava hot lips brush against hers. Allora felt one of his hands on her neck, and the other on her hip that pulled them close together. Chase kissed Allora like she never had been kissed before. Zero had Kairi pushed up against the tree while kissing her up her neck with one hand on her small hip and his other hand in her soft silky black hair. Kairi was taking in deep breaths telling herself not to faint; she had one hand in his medium length black hair and the other on the small of his upper back. Allora leaned in so far into Chases’ body, that the next thing they knew, they were on the dewy grass.
Allora felt Chases’ chest vibrate as he chuckled. Allora lifted her head to see what was funny, when she did; she found that Kairi and zero were on the ground laughing while hugging each other close. “What’s so funny?” Allora asked confused. Kairi sat up and stated picking the leaves out of her hair. Zero came to help her and put his hand on her lap to caress her then Kairi chuckled and said in her mind to her master Allora, “Mistress, you were going to stop Zero and now look at yourself” Kairi said and then kissing Zero single-mindedly.
Allora looked at herself and then felt her cheeks flush then turn reddish at what she saw. She was holding Chase’s right hand with her left hand, and her right hand was buried in his soft, silky curls. Allora tried to push up, but Chase pushed her back down for another passionate kiss. Zero had Kairi against the light wood gate. Zero kissed Kairi and Kairi froze and shivered to his delicate touch. “We have to Practice our training.” Allora said to Chase in his head as they were kissing. “We are practicing, in a way.” Chase chuckled as her liked her honey lips. Allora laughed as she sat up to see Zero on top of Kairi making out. Kairi rolled to be on top of Zero and they laughed in unison. Then Kairi playfully said “Allora, everyone needs practice.” Zero grinned and kissed Kairi and then helping her up. “Kairi, you were not invited into this conversation” Allora Growled. Zero raised one eyebrow and then looked at Kairi and sent a message to her head, “You actually let her talk to you like this?” Kairi looked at the ground and said nothing. Allora growled at Zero. Zero growled back at her. Chase jumped into the conversation, “Hey, look Zero Allora is Kairi’s Master, if she wouldn’t have made her one of us she possibly would not be here.” Zero made a face and said “Who says I wouldn’t have found her? Huh?” Allora growled and said looking at Zero with disappointment, “She would have died if I wouldn’t have gotten to her; she was a hair a way from death!” Kairi winced at the memory of the thought. Allora sighed and then said, “Sorry” Kairi replied “it’s okay, but we need to get to work, again!” Chase looked confused and said, “Again?” Kairi covered her mouth and said “opps” Allora sighed at the thought. Zero looked at Chase, at that moment Chase said “Did you girls train without us?” Allora looked at Kairi with a smile that was playing a little sadness with it. Kairi opened her mouth to speak and then Allora said “ohhh no you don’t.” Kairi Laughed and then said “Before we meet you handsome guys” Kairi winked. Allora said “that’s it we will do exactly what we did yesterday!” “Not again! That’s why I brought you to The Viper in the first place!” Kairi Wailed. Chased and Zero looked at each other and then gave a confused look their faces, Kairi explained while laughing sarcastically,” We worked for 78 hours straight!” Allora rolled her eyes, “Yea and you accomplished nothing, that’s why I was mad at you that night” Kairi glared at her, “Not true I can run faster and I can smell scents better!” Allora Laughed. Chase ran up to Kairi and gave her a bear hug lifting her off the ground buy a foot. Then he put her down and said, “Thank you, if you didn’t get her mad and went to the club, I would have never meet this stunning goddess.” Chase explained to Kairi right before he kissed Allora on her on her lushes red pouting lips. Kairi blushed and the buried her face in Zero’s chest when she answered, “you’re welcome...I guess.” Allora had to shake herself to get back to what they were her for. “Okay, Kairi, I will stand her in the middle of the field with a blindfold on. Your objective is to hit me.” Kairi tried to smile. “Okay” Zero and Chase stared with wide-eyes from Kairi to Allora and back. “Just watch, you might learn something.” Allora chuckled. After Allora set the boundaries, and told the guys to stay out of the area, but keep a close eye. Allora stood in the middle of the field with the black colored blindfold placed over her eyes. Kairi counted to ten and then ran in a straight pattern at Allora. The guys held their breath. Then Allora disappeared from their sight including
Kairi’s. Allora yelled from the distance, “Come on Kairi! Don’t be slow! Use your senses.” Allora dashed right pass Kairi and cut her left leg slightly. “God Damn it!” Kairi swore and gently put her hand on her leg and then she moved her hand and the cut was gone. Zero clapped. Allora sigh while shaking her head. Allora disappeared again. Kairi closed her electric blue eyes and straighten up. She dashed at Allora and then Allora flipped above her to land inaudibly behind her. Chase laughed. ”try again Kairi” Allora yelled. Kairi tried again, but Allora hit her on her right leg, right across her stomach and a couple on Kairi’s back. Zero covered her eyes and muttered to himself “she’s needs, a lot of training”. Chase chuckled and nudged zero on his right arm. Kairi and Allora were panting after about two hours and five minutes of training. Allora ran, Kairi spun in a 180 degree turn and got Allora right above her heart. Allora took off her blindfold and started to laugh. “You finally did it! Kairi you did it!” Allora gave her a big hug and a peck on her left cheek. “What happened to Allora?” Kairi asked laughing. The guys sprinted over and both asked in unison, “How are you going to heal all those wounds?” Allora just pulled out something from her back pocket and it was a miniature bible. Allora opened it and two pressed flowers that looked like iris fell out onto her soft pale skin of her palm and then put one in Kairi’s light peach-palm. Zero looked at Allora then asked “How will this help?” Allora glared at Zero and said, “Would you have patience?” Zero nodded and then took Kairi’s other hand. Chase was near Allora listening patiently. Allora began to explain to the guys, “My home pressed iris can heal most wounds without any effort, and we have Kairi. “Yea, it’s slightly weird but I can heal with just my hand” Kairi said while demonstrating. Kairi pushed up her sleeve and did a movement with her hand and a small bright blue aurora came out her hand and she gently moved her hand up the cut on her arm. “Whoa” Zero said convinced while putting his hand threw his soft silky pitch black hair. Chase walked up to Allora and looked at her cuts and examined the iris, “So, how does it work? I would like to know my beloved.” “Okay, Kairi, here now please.” Allora said wearily but with a voice that chimed “Okay” Kairi said obeying her master. Allora walked a little back and then stated “Just stand 50 ft back because the sent will make us more tempting to drink.” Chase and Zero nodded once and went back about 10 feet extra. Allora and Kairi both said, “Heads up” To each other, and then they put the pressed flower in their mouth, chewed and savored the taste and then both swallowed. The two guys were aware of Allora’s Honey and cinnamon and Kairi’s Freesia and sweet mint scent hit them. If they were not all blood-lust, they would have attacked the two vampires.



(to be continued...)



that is all of the first and second chapter...
Last edited by BlackDahlia on Tue May 18, 2010 10:26 pm, edited 4 times in total.
yours truly,
~black Dahlia~

Kayla & John forever




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Okay, firstly about titles...they're not that important, firstly, and secondly, it's just whatever theme you think runs through your novel the most, or just a concept or thought you want to plant in the reader's mind. The title is the lens through which the novel is read...don't call a romance novel Bloodbath and don't call a horror Unicorns and Puppies, but in general, the title comes as the novel develops into something you know well.

First note on dialogue: People don't frequently say one another's names when they talk. Use it once so we know the names, but not consistently after that, it makes the dialogue a little bit choppy. I like the Dark One theme, and how you don't fully explain it...it's a hint of mystery that keeps you reading, as well as the hint that they're not fully human (if they are at all). I love the girls' roles as seducers...I'm feeling the vamp vibe, but I'm not sure. In general, it's a good beginning with a good, strong feel to it, just smooth out some of the roughness in dialogue and develop your ideas more
"See the cat? See the cradle?" ~ Kurt Vonnegut

"I should like to bury something precious, in every place I've been happy. And then when I was old, and ugly and miserable, I could come back, and dig it up, and remember." ~ Sebastian Flyte




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Hello. I like the chracters names. They're unique but not too exotic. The idea sounds interesting. I'd love to see a full chapter. Like etinarcadiaego said, I'm sensing a vampire vibe here too.

Nitpicks:
But...but…but” Allora wined yanking Kairi to a stop, trying to stall.

Do you mean "whined" instead of "wined"? I think you should place a comma after "wined". What do you think?

“Well…….19” Allora said pouting.

Use three periods for the dot dot dot. "19" should be typed out, "nineteen".

Allora rolls her eyes as she shakes her long lushes black sun-kissed natural highlighted hair over her broad shoulders.

It should be "lush" instead of "lushes".

I noticed that you often use "..." in your dialogue. Maybe you and your friend could take some of those out because you don't really need them. I also noticed that you don't start a new paragraph when a different character is speaking.

Allora, we are how old?” Kairi asked. “Well…….19” Allora said pouting.

Allora, we are how old?” Kairi asked.
“Well, nineteen,” Allora said pouting.


I hope that helps.

Another thing is your tense isn't consistent. Sometimes you use present tense and other times you switch to past tense. You need to decide which one you want to use and stick with it.

For the title, you don't need to name it right away. As you develop the story you'll start to have a name for it. I don't really know what's going on at the moment except that one girl is a vampire and another is her servant? Is that right? If you tell me the plot or give me a full chapter, maybe I'll be able to help. What I usually do for my books is I give them a name that has to do with an important part of the chracter's features or a name that sort of foreshadows what's to come. Sorry for rambling on and on.

Overall, I'd love to see more. PM me when you guys or girls, whatever you preferred to be called, post more.

-Crescent
Please take care to use good grammar when making a post!

"grammer" 1519 matches on YWS *twitches*

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WHATZ UP KAYLA! I tjought the title to our story was ging to be thought the wall? What happened there?? Pm me if you can! Ps visit this website!

WWW.youngwriterssociety.com/topic63308.html
Love from the girl who wishes she could fly and be a wolf,

J. L. S.

LOOK HERE!

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I need some ratingss. i know its bad but people can i atleast have some credit?? but thank you for the help and tips XD
yours truly,
~black Dahlia~

Kayla & John forever




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Hey I just wanted to say that this whole story has a really great vampire vibe going on. Good job! I love all of your characters.

I was really annoyed that you didn’t bother to make any paragraphs, though. It was REALLY hard to read and I kept losing my spot… Pretty much your whole story is dialogue so I gets really confusing trying to read this.

Also your sentence structure really needs work, because you are like Allora did this, Allora did that, Allora went here, Kairi and Allora walked here. You keep on repeating their names over and over and it gets annoying. Just replace them with he’s and she’s and you’re good to go. Or you can rephrase the whole sentence to make it fit.

I don’t know what really went wrong, but halfway through the second chapter I got so bored with this that I had to push myself to read it to the end. The training session went on forever.

Oh, and maybe a possible title could be Blood Lust.

Thanks for the read!
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