A Home

I wrote this poem because I was feeling betrayed by everyone around me (I'm fine now ). It basically talks about my idea of a 'home' from those feelings I was having at that time. Be honest

Denial, it spirals, around the window
It hurts when blood spurts on the carpet.
Leaving. Remaining. A stain. The pain.
Clean up. Be clean. Henceforth visitors.

Jealousy, courtesy of the curtains.
Façade. Don’t despair.
The open door lies in the heart.
The handle like any other,
Shinning. Reflecting. A stain. The pain.
Smile now! Be bubbly. Henceforth visitors.

Negligence, difference from the roof.
But yet, once the same. They came,
To both overprotect their duties.
Demoting. Does not the roof leak?
Negligence, example. A stain, the pain.
Be grateful. Stand straight. Henceforth visitors.

Love. Strong. Tight are the walls.
Complicated. Support though they give.
A home completed yet depleted of one.
One important structure. Togetherness. Sync.
My home. A stain. The pain.
Cry. Weep. Tear away.
Lighten up! Henceforth visitors.

Ok, well I might not be much help, but I am going to try! I liked this but I think that the stain pain thing is overused. Make up new words for it, it is to repetitive. I also think a better title is needed. I was looking through the new poems and this didn't jump out at me. I really don't get the henceforth visitors either. Other than that I like it though, hope I helped.


-Flower-

Shinning. Reflecting. A stain. The pain.

I believe you want "shining".

This poem struck me as very disjointed, in the confusing way. I have no clue where "Henceforth visitors" came from or what it means, for instance. The irregular/improper punctuation doesn't help with the coherency, either. In addition, what imagery you did have that I could decipher was pretty cliche. Right now, my overall impression of this poem is a bunch of words that sounded/looked pretty mashed together. Whatever meaning this poem is supposed to have was lost in the medley of disjointed ideas/phrases/images.

I suggest going back through and weeding out the unnecessary images, making the connection between ideas clearer (especially with the "Henceforth visitors" bit), and making sure the punctuation is proper. I think that will make this poem much more comprehensible, at the least.

Hi ziggiefred,

ziggiefred wrote:[i]I wrote this poem because I was feeling betrayed by everyone around me (I'm fine now ). It basically talks about my idea of a 'home' from those feelings I was having at that time.

I don't care. Your poem should speak for itself. If you were feeling betrayed, talking about your idea of home, etc, then the reader should be able to glean that from the material, not some lazy tacked-on farce of an introduction. Don't write such an explanatory opening again.

Denial, it spirals, around the window
It hurts when blood spurts on the carpet.
Leaving. Remaining. A stain. The pain.
Clean up. Be clean. Henceforth visitors.

Jealousy, courtesy of the curtains.
Façade. Don’t despair.
The open door lies in the heart.
The handle like any other,
Shinning. Reflecting. A stain. The pain.
Smile now! Be bubbly. Henceforth visitors.

What exactly are you trying to accomplish by this? Clearly many things, and all of them are failing one after the other. The entire single-beat words "Leaving. Remaining. A stain. The pain." gets old fast. Once you play out an element of writing too much in the same space, it starts to become a hammering against the reader's head that does not stop. Vary your writing; considering that you are a human being and have fluctuating emotions, I'd expect these words to flow with the same speed as the changing of your feelings. One should always reflect off the other, and right now you're not telling us much in the way of humanity.

Negligence, difference from the roof.
But yet, once the same. They came,
To both overprotect their duties.
Demoting. Does not the roof leak?
Negligence, example. A stain, the pain.
Be grateful. Stand straight. Henceforth visitors.

Love. Strong. Tight are the walls.
Complicated. Support though they give.
A home completed yet depleted of one.
One important structure. Togetherness. Sync.
My home. A stain. The pain.
Cry. Weep. Tear away.
Lighten up! Henceforth visitors.

Third stanza is more of the same, and last stanza dances right out of a cliche's mouth. Togetherness, my home, how sweet. Where did that even come from? You whine and mope for the first three stanzas and then... this, suddenly. It's as if you forced a "realization" in order to give some closure to your poem. That's not a bad idea, but you've executed it with the least amount of grace and subtlety I've seen in a while. All this does is make the reader laugh and write you off as a typical angsty, I-can't-control-my-emotions poet. Which is exactly what you are at the moment.

Take heed of the aforementioned suggestions and revamp this. This thing is intensive care right now and I'm not sure whether all the grafting in the world is going to make it better - for it has fundamental flaws that I talked about - but you can try.

Hope that helped,
Galerius

I think I get what the poem is about. Least it appeals to feelings I've had before. So I really like it. Now, lets see if I can actually critique it.

Denial, it spirals, around the window
It hurts when blood spurts on the carpet.
Leaving. Remaining. A stain. The pain.
Clean up. Be clean. Henceforth visitors.

Here I like how you set the scene for it. I at least got out of it that its about people denying issues and problems among themselves, a family I suppose. Hiding them whenever there are "visitors". The "It hurts when blood spurts on the carpet." doesn't quite seem to fit...but its not a big deal.

Jealousy, courtesy of the curtains.
Façade. Don’t despair.
The open door lies in the heart.
The handle like any other,
Shining. Reflecting. A stain. The pain.
Smile now! Be bubbly. Henceforth visitors.

I like this part, but I don't quite get the point of the open door in the heart, I realize how the handle relates to it and all. But I don't quite get how it fits in overall.... maybe I'm just being dense at the moment

Negligence, difference from the roof.
But yet, once the same. They came,
To both overprotect their duties.
Demoting. Does not the roof leak?
Negligence, example. A stain, the pain.
Be grateful. Stand straight. Henceforth visitors.

Do you mean indifference? I sense a frustration from this stanza, I like it, it works well. You get across how the people that this character (you?) is frustrated with, are sorta being hypocrites.

Love. Strong. Tight are the walls.
Complicated. Support though they give.
A home completed yet depleted of one.
One important structure. Togetherness. Sync.
My home. A stain. The pain.
Cry. Weep. Tear away.
Lighten up! Henceforth visitors.

I liked this one. The meaning is clear. Love are the walls that bind a home, a family, together. But because of the recent issues, the walls are damaged or broken. There is a home, but it doesn't have the binding of love.

I guess I had a hard time reviewing this, there isn't really anything I would change. I would say that you should try and have some variety with "A stain. The pain", but I think it is a necessary repetition the more I look at it. I also really like how you use Henceforth visitors. Your writing is astoundingly good, at least in the pieces I have seen. Keep it up!

-Isaac