Caged Bird

Currently, I'm feeling like a bird stuck in a cage - which is why I'm writing this. I'm not sure who it is I'm talking to in here, but I have a sneaking suspicion that it's either God, my friends, or the guy that I like at the moment... *cough*Maliq*cough* I didn't say anything.

Caged Bird

Tell me please, is it worth it?
Worth the effort you give?
Tell me please, are you hurt yet?
Because you look like you’re out of your league.

Tell me please, can you save me?
From these four walls around me.
I’m caged, I’m imprisoned, I’m broken;
I need to get out of here.

Watch me my friend, and tell me –
Do you love the weak girl you see?
For that is what I am, and yet,
I’m something much more as well.

Please my friend, save me!
These four walls that cage me
From the freedom that I so desire –
I want to spread my cramped wings and fly!

So please, my friend, I need you –
Make my dream something real.
For now, right now and here –
You’re the only one that I see.

Hi there.
First of all, what an interesting introduction
Alright, now for the review. I enjoyed the poem generally. You have executed imagery well. I myself actually feel caged when I read the poem and I want to get out of the situation for you. I mean gosh, this is a complicated situation I can relate to and I believe everyone who has read the poem relates as well.

Please my friend, save me!
These four walls that cage me
From the freedom that I so desire –
I want to spread my cramped wings and fly!

This stanza took me to that place no one knows about (it's a good place). I think that it was my favourite part out of the whole poem.

I think the general idea based around the poem is very creative and that is why I like it. I like your style so good job.

Ziggie!

Hi,

I think the tone works really well here. The questions really drew me in, and I love how the first two mirror each other in their sound.

I think "Worth the effort you give" was unnecessary-I'd try for something more visual. "Out of your league" was also cliche and I felt like the feisty tone was dwindling here.

I'd redo the second stanza; saving and entrapment and walls are a little stale. I'd try to use something more visual and specific.

The third stanza works nicely. I'd just change "the" to "this" for the sound of it.

I think the flight/cages imagery is a bit cliche-it was nicely expressed, but I'd like to have been presented with more vivid and surprising images.

The final stanza flows beautifully and I think it ends the poem very well.

The best thing you can do for your poetry is read poetry. Anthologies are a great starting point.

Hope this helps,

Jas

Jasmine Hart wrote:Hi,

I think the tone works really well here. The questions really drew me in, and I love how the first two mirror each other in their sound.

I think "Worth the effort you give" was unnecessary-I'd try for something more visual. "Out of your league" was also cliche and I felt like the feisty tone was dwindling here.

I'd redo the second stanza; saving and entrapment and walls are a little stale. I'd try to use something more visual and specific.

The third stanza works nicely. I'd just change "the" to "this" for the sound of it.

I think the flight/cages imagery is a bit cliche-it was nicely expressed, but I'd like to have been presented with more vivid and surprising images.

The final stanza flows beautifully and I think it ends the poem very well.

The best thing you can do for your poetry is read poetry. Anthologies are a great starting point.

Hope this helps,

Jas

You say that it's cliche... but is there such a thing as originality anymore? I mean, no matter what you think of today, it's already been thought of, so doesn't that make it cliche? hmm, questions, questions...

But I agree, it is pretty cliche - and while me writing it without really paying much attention, and having a billion-plus-one other kids wandering and talking around me is only an excuse (and a poor one at that), I've always liked using cliche words... I like using overused words in ways that they haven't been used before... if that makes sense?

thanks for the review - both from you and Ziggie.

(sorry for takin' so long to reply...^^;; hehe)

I really like the imagry, and the structure was very interesting. It was a complete success because you took readers to a place where they could understand what you were writing about and match it to their own experiences.

To many comas but it is very good.

Amazing poem! I know the feeling and I'm in the same area sorta, so I know how you're feeling. You did a good job of conveying the message. You're a great writer. Keep writing.

~Dannielle~