Aliens *Edited*

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Hi everybody! So I'm entering this in a first page contest at this writers conference I'm going to. The deadline is Tuesday, May 25. So any and all comments/suggestions would be appreciated. Basically the story (since a page is definitely not enough to tell it all) is about this girl and her best friend who's an alien. There's this war on his home planet and through a series of events the girl ends up having to go there to save her best friend. So any help with a title better then "Aliens" would be nice too. Thanks! :D


Alright. Let me just set the record straight right here, right now. Aliens are not green. They are not slimy. They don’t have six arms and twelve eyes or want to take over our world. They have two arms, two legs, two eyes, and two ears. Seriously, they’re normal people from a different planet who occasionally come here on vacation or to avoid war. Why is that so hard to understand? They are normal. Except, well, if my best friend Alek is any sort of standard candle, then aliens are know-it-alls.

Alek says all the misconceptions come from Hollywood; the lies annoy him as much, if not more, than it does me. He thinks I should launch a protest, but then again he’s always been a bit cheeky. Maybe that’s why we get along so well. I can still remember the day we first met, the day he fell into my life—literally.

I was six the summer I met Alek and spent most days at my grandmother’s while my parents met with lawyers, working out their messy divorce. Every day I would go to the backyard and stare up at the wide blue sky, breathing in the smell of hay and cows, while Grandmother watched her talk shows. I liked to imagine I was flying through the country air.

The day I met Alek I was lying in the grass and finding figures in the clouds. An angel frowned down at me, a man with wispy hair winked and a pig kissed a chicken, making me giggle. My laughter flew away on a cool breeze, the kind we never got in the stuffy city. That was when I heard the noise. Being from the city I didn’t think much of hearing an engine. I just kept staring at clouds, watching bunnies and talking trees. But the noise persisted, making me pause.
Last edited by airbear320 on Mon May 24, 2010 4:08 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Hi airbear320, first of all, good luck with the contest, that should be fun. I really like the name Alek, I think it's a cool name for the alien.

Okay, now for the nitpicking:

Aliens are not green. They’re not slimy. They don’t have six arms and twelve eyes or want to take over our world.

I like the idea of this line, but it seems a bit laboured, it could be smoother. Maybe something like "Aliens aren't green and slimy, they don't haave six arms and twelve eyes and they certainly don't want to take over our world." (That may be a bit of a run-on sentence, but you get the idea, I hope).

Except, well, if my friend Alek is any sort of standing candle, then aliens are know-it-alls.

I really like this line. (No real criticsim for that line, I just liked it) :D

he’s always been just as cheeky.

Maybe "...he's always been a bit cheeky."

He fell into my life. Literally.

This could be worked around to "The day he fell into my life, literally."

A pig kissed a chicken. I giggled at that, my laughter blowing away on the breeze.


I think changing the period after chicken into a comma may help the sentence flow better.

I hadn’t thought

I don't know if "hadn't" is the proper word here. You may have your tenses mixed up.

seeing bunnies and talking trees. But the noise persisted.

I think the word "watching" might fit better here and the period after trees could be a comma.

All in all, I really enjoyed your story, I think you should do well in the contest. I hope I didn't nitpick too much. :D Sorry, I can't think of another title, I think the one you have is fine. Good luck!
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Okay so I want to read the rest of it! It's a really interesting story line and this is a great first page that gets the reader interested and wanting to keep turning the pages. As for the title, maybe go for something that plays off of the fact that they look like people from our planet but they aren't from here. "Aliens" makes me think of the stereotypical alien so maybe a catchy title that de-emphasizes that. Sorry I can't think of one at the moment, :( my brains not at its wittiest level right now. But if I think of anything I'll let you know! Overall, an awesome first page! I think you'll do quite well in the contest.

PS- I love that quote by Gordon B. Hinckley that appears at the bottom of your post! He was and remains one of my favorite people ever :D
Be wary of all general advice. Discard everything...[if] it gets in the way of writing good stories. -Richard Bausch

A wonderful fact to reflect upon, that every human creature is constituted to be that profound secret and mystery to every other. -Charles Dickens




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Hi!

So, I want to wish you the best of luck in the contest! It should be an exciting, fun challenge. Since this is the first page of your story, and I know that there is more to come, so I'm going to leave out specific details about plot and cohesive story-as I know that you will probably touch upon that in later parts. However, If I'm correct, seeing how this is a first page contest, you'll be judged on how well you hook the reader and set up a compelling story, right?

Considering that, it doesn't seem to me like you did a very good job. It seemed more like a watered-down children's story-simply because of the way that you present it. In the first paragraph, you info-dump needlessly and tell instead of show. Why do we need to know every single thing right now about the different way that you're presenting aliens within this story? By doing what you're doing, you're killing off any mystery and suspense that these characters might hold. We won't be on the same page as the characters-and thus making the opening scene a lot less exciting.

Also, I don't like the way the narrator sounds in the first paragraph and the second line (which really could be combined into one paragraph). She's kind of like, "oh, you're so stupid, you don't know how things really are". Essentially, you're lecturing the reader, and readers do not like to be lectured.

Even if you nix the first paragraph and get right into the action, there's still not much to the beginning. I think the problem with it is the way that it's written-it comes across as bland. When you revise this, I recommend that you take a look at this fantastic article. It'll help you tremendously.

Again, good luck in the contest, and I apologize if I sound harsh in any way. It's all for the best-you've taken an intriguing premise, and I want to see it go to the places that it deserves. Also, that would be awesome if you could do well in the contest. Anyway, hope this helps, and PM me if you have any questions.

-Elinor xo

All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them.

-- Walt Disney



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