The Last Hunt

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The Last Hunt

In the rain washed streets of LA, Kammal Bradie leaned against a street lamp in a pool of light, puffing on a cigarette. The night sky was clear, only light pollution prevented him from seeing the stars. The twenty-year-old man was contemplating whether or not to go back into the casino and win back some of the thirty thousand dollars he’d lost earlier that evening or head home. The nausea that washed through him helped make up his mind.

Kammal flicked the ciggie onto the damp, dirty pavement and stubbed it out with the toe of his black boot. As he traipsed down a dark alley way to retrieve his motor bike he pinched the bridge of his nose between his finger and thumb, squeezing his eyes shut and fighting the urge to throw up. What was wrong with him? He hadn’t had that much to drink...

The walls either side of him seemed to be rising steadily higher, two reeking dumpsters swam in his vision. Kammal staggered left, arms raised to catch him if he fell. Footsteps quietly crunched up behind him in a way that screamed “I’m sneaking up on you as quietly as I can.”

Kammal didn’t turn to see his stalker until they were directly behind him. Then he spun around and punched them in the face. The guy cried out in pain and stumbled backwards as three more men advanced on Kammal. He heard, rather than felt, his nose being broken and blood spraying all over the place. That’s the fifth time! Kammal thought furiously. He was probably about to be gang bashed and left for dead in an alley and he was worrying about how crooked his nose was!

Faces swam around him, men were jeering. The world tipped on its side, then Kammal realised he was lying in bags and bags of rubbish. The pungent smell burnt his nose but he could not escape it due to the nausea flushing through him. The scene disappeared in a haze of red and Kammal’s clothes ripped to tatters as grey fur burst from his skin and his bones twisted and distorted.

His nose lengthened into a snout, black nostrils flaring to test the air for danger. The wolf in Kammal’s place smelt danger; the sweat of five men, the alcohol rank on their breath. With his twitching ears, the wolf heard their excited heart beats, then their cries of shock. He could taste their fear, and he liked it. The wolf’s lips curled back over his long, gleaming fangs in a leer as he got to his paws, liking the strength in his four legs, the feel of the powerful energy surging through every muscle.

The men who were about to mug Kammal were statues, fear etched onto their faces. A trickling noise, sounding a hundred times louder to the wolf’s ears, echoed down the alley, along with the wolf’s growl. A puddle of yellow liquid formed around one of the men’s feet, the source of it - his trouser leg. The wolf rejoiced, he’d actually made someone piss their pants.

The wolf took a step forwards, towards the closet man, the one who’d wet himself. He barked; once, twice. The man staggered back and tried to run but his legs failed him. He smacked the tarmac hard and the wolf pounced onto his back, pinning him down with his paws while he bit into his neck and twisted, ripping the man’s head clean off. There was no time to savour the blood trickling down his throat, the other men were escaping. The wolf tipped his head back and howled, declaring the hunt. Then he tore after the sprinting men, tripping one over with his powerful tail and sinking his teeth into the other’s shoulder.

Kammal would always remember the way the men screamed in pain as he tore them limb from limb. Their faces would always haunt him, especially the last man he... ate.

He was cowering in the corner, whimpering, praying, saying unheard goodbyes. The wolf approached him, breathing heavily, each exhale spraying a bit of blood from his mouth. In the dim light the wolf could see everything with perfect clarity; the man’s red hair, matted with sweat. The man’s closed eyes, his scrawny arms shielding his face, his quivering lips. This was it. The last hunt. The wolf howled again, declaring the hunt over before devouring his last victim.
Last edited by jackle on Tue May 18, 2010 5:19 am, edited 2 times in total.
check it out - novel.php?id=1132




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When I was reading the beginning of this, I thought I wasn't going to like it (because I don't normally like stories that are all hardcore or involve gangs and fighting) but I was glad I didn't stop reading part way through because I did really like it. I could picture everything in my head as I was reading. I only had a couple of issues with it.

The beginning in general just doesn't seem to flow as well as the rest of the story. Somewhere in the second paragraph, it switches from kind of jerky to nice and smooth. Assuming that you started writing at the beginning of the story then wrote straight to the end, that makes sense. After you had a couple paragraphs written you were all warmed up and then everything started to flow more smoothly. That happens to me all the time, and what I've found that works is read through the whole thing, then go back and edit the beginning. Or, if you're writing something that's longer, read through at least a little bit of what you've already written before you start writing again.

I also wasn't sure about the ending. You said "the wolf" at the beginning of the paragraph, so I thought that maybe the wolf wasn't actually Kammal and the wolf was going to eat Kammal, but then I went back and figured out that it was just another one of the people who attacked him. Is this an excerpt from something longer? Because I was left with a lot of unanswered questions, the most significant one being why was it the last hunt? Did he not know that he was a werewolf/wolf-person before this attack?

In general, I did like this, but it seems unfinished. I would love to read more if you write more!

~Amylith
If you fail to practice your art, it will soon disappear ~ German saying.

Some people just deserve to get tazed ~ Andy




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'Ellooo!

Cons first! :(
Kammal didn’t turn to see his stalker until they were directly behind him. Then he spun around and punched them in the face.

If I'm right in what you're trying to say, it should be "Kammal didn't turn to see his stalkers until they were directly behind him. Then he spun around and punched one of them in the face."
The reason why your sentence is wrong is because you switch from singular to plural, and then somehow punched more than one guy in the face with one fist o.O If you were to keep "stalker" singular, then "they were" would have to be "he or she was", so I see why you wanted to avoid that. But, it's still incorrect and confusing, so you should find a different way to phrase that.

The wolf’s lips curled back over his long, gleaming fangs in a leer as he got to his paws...

His fangs can't leer. Leering is an eyes thing. It'd be like saying your shoes glared at a rug. You could say "gleaming eyes", but fangs and leering isn't a rational comparison/metaphor.

...the source of it; his trouser leg.

The semi-colon should be a dash (hyphen). "his trouser leg" isn't a complete sentence and, therefore, cannot be used inconjunction with another sentence via a semi-colon.

A couple grammar mistakes, but not bad for spelling. Kudos :)

The ending is rather... abrupt. I'm not entirely sure what it's missing, but it just sort of ends - like running into an invisible brick wall. An ending that leaves the reader thinking rather than confused is always good.

Pros! :)
The story overall is good.
Apt description of anything you described.
nice grammar, as mentioned before.
Nice intro, though I don't think we need the guy's full name.

Keep it up!
~ Come to the dark side. We have cookies! ~
~ Ha, we're the dark side. Why are you surprised we lied about the cookies? ~




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In the rain washed streets of LA, Kammal Bradie leant leaned against a street lamp in a pool of light, puffing on a cigarette. Good wording, it paints a strong and dramatic image. The night sky was clear, only light pollution prevented him from seeing the stars. The twenty-year-old man was contemplating whether or not to go back into the casino and win back some of the thirty thousand dollars he’d lost earlier that evening or head home. The nausea that washed through him helped make up his mind.
...

Kammal didn’t turn to see his stalker until they were directly behind him. Then he spun around and punched them in the face. He's drunk enough that he's staggering around an having trouble walking, yet he has the agility to whip around and punch somebody without so much as falling or staggering? Just a thought.The guy cried out in pain and stumbled backwards as three more men advanced on Kammal. He heard, rather than felt, his nose being broken and blood spraying all over the place. That’s the fifth time! Kammal thought furiously. He was probably about to be gang bashed and left for dead in an alley and he was worrying about how crooked his nose was!

Faces swam around him, men were jeering. The world tipped on its side, then Kammal realized he was lying in bags and bags of rubbish. The pungent smell burnt his nose but he could not escape it due to the nausea flushing through him. The scene disappeared in a haze of red and Kammal’s clothes ripped to tatters as grey fur burst from his skin and his bones twisted and distorted. Oh no, another werewolf story...but as unfortunately overworked as it is, I like this stuff.

His nose lengthened into a snout, black nostrils flaring to test the air for danger. The wolf in Kammal’s place smelt danger; the sweat of five men, the alcohol rank on their breath. With his twitching ears, the wolf heard their excited heart beats, then their cries of shock. He could taste their fear, and he liked it. The wolf’s lips curled back over his long, gleaming fangs in a leer as he got to his paws, liking the strength in his four legs, the feel of the powerful energy surging through every muscle. Nice descriptions overall.

...

The wolf took a step forwards, towards the closest man, the one who’d wet himself. He barked; once, twice To me, it sounds as though you're talking about the guy, not the wolf, barking. The man staggered back and tried to run but his legs failed him. He smacked the tarmac hard and the wolf pounced onto his back, pinning him down with his paws while he bit into his neck and twisted, ripping the man’s head clean off. There was no time to savour the blood trickling down his throat, the other men were escaping. The wolf tipped his head back and howled, declaring the hunt. Then he tore after the sprinting men, tripping one over with his powerful tail and sinking his teeth into the other’s shoulder.

Kammal would always remember the way the men screamed in pain as he tore them limb from limb. Their faces would always haunt him, especially the last man he... ate. So he feels guilt for what he does, but cannot control his impulses? OK. I like the whole gist of it.

He was cowering in the corner, whimpering, praying, saying unheard goodbyes. The wolf approached him, breathing heavily, each exhale spraying a bit of blood from his mouth. In the dim light the wolf could see everything with perfect clarity; the man’s red hair, matted with sweat. The man’s closed eyes, his scrawny arms shielding his face, his quivering lips. This was it. The last hunt. The wolf howled again, declaring the hunt over before devouring his last victim. Wow, gruesome end. Still, I think you did a nice job overall. When it first began, I didn't expect it to end the way it did. I liked that it was surprising. Nice.
Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another. ~Lemony Snicket




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I liked this piece the beggining had me drawn in and thats what I want when I'm reading so good job. I alos liked the title. The main character was somewhat mysterious to me I haven't read any pieces with a charater such as yours. i should think of writing a piece with a charater like that. You gave me an idea. Thanks.




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hi thanks for all your help! :D will edit it when i find the time
In general, I did like this, but it seems unfinished. I would love to read more if you write more!

this is actually just a background story for one of my characters in another story :)
-jackle
check it out - novel.php?id=1132



There is nothing more radical or counter-cultural, at the moment, than laying down one’s cynicism in favour of tender vulnerability.
— John Green