The Distant Ship

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"Jack, get ready! We're going to the airport soon," my mother called. I turned off the history channel, and sifted through a pile of needles and plastic gloves. I packed up my medical supplies and a change of clothes.
See, my parents are traveling doctors. They first met in the peace corp, and got married. Then I was born. Even though they had to drop out of the peace corp, they created their own charity organization that allows doctors to travel around the world, and help poor, sick people. This includes surgery, injections, and medication. When I turned 13, every summer I'd tag along, and learn about treating people. Someday, I want to go to Columbia and become a certified ER doctor. I'm now 16, and I've treated sick people all around the world, like China, Brazil, and South Korea. I mainly passed out supplies for people and volunteers. I've also given shots to kids and women. I even helped a woman in Belem, Brazil deliver a baby!
My parents said this year was different, though. I had to be more careful. They had gotten special permission from the government to go to the coastal cities of Somalia. The only way we could afford to bring all our volunteers and supplies is by taking a boat. It was risky, though, because pirates were capturing more and more ships in the area we were sailing. But the people there really need our help. My mom was against me coming in the first place. My dad backed up my argument, though. I had a lot of experience. I tested 96% in defensive skills in my state exams for becoming a certified volunteer. Plus, I take Swahili in school. I could do this.
I packed the rest of my stuff, and headed downstairs. My parents were waiting for me at the door, my dad looking proud, my mom looking a little scared, but trying to put on a brave face. We all piled into the car, and drove to the airport.

At the airport, we flew through security. We first had to fly to Florida to get to the dock were we'd sail off. It would be a long trip. We'd get there with 3 weeks to treat people, then get a ride to Egypt, where my parents and I would fly on a plane back home. We had to get there though with the volunteers, in case of an emergency. And my mother would never allow me to ride a plane by myself, even though I'm 16.
We got on the plane. When it took off, I watched the movies that were playing on the TV. My parents listened to cheesy show tunes on their iPods.
Once we got off the plane, we got a bite to eat at a Burger King, and ate in a booth. We took a taxi to the dock, and helped the other volunteers load up with the small crew. I didn't have time to say hi to all my friends, but there would be later.
Once everyone was on board, the captain gave the order, and we were on our way.
My adventure was on the horizon. Little did I know I would soon be thrown into an adventure much more dangerous.
ME




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Points 6689
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Hmmm... This is a intriguing plot idea, and you have pretty good grammar (well, you did go a little comma crazy in some parts, but that's no biggie. I do that all the time, too.), but the best way to describe your chapter here is, well,... meh. It's bland. A lot of background information, while good in little tid bits gets old really fast if it's all mushed together in one section.
So, I advise you to start your story in the moment. Start with Jack already on the ship heading to Somalia, have him (or her, if it's short for Jackeline or something.) getting sea sick or talking about pirates or something, but all the preparation part is not neccessary [spelling?].
Also, this piece seems realistic and I applaud you for making that choice, but you should probably research all of this stuff thoroughly if you want to write a story based on the facts of medicine and Somalia and pirates, etc.
You did a good job with making your piece a managable size, one that people can comfortably read in one sitting, so be proud of that.
So, all in all, a quick sum-up: make it more in-the-moment; be sure to research; a few less commas; good size, idea/plot, and grammar.

Keep writing!
Toodles!
~emerley
My sister: I'll never forget that day... It was raining wasn't it?
Me: ...no.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Need a review? PM me and I will take care of it. :]

**previously known as EAHailstone**




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I think the plot sounds really interesting, but this was more of a dull information dump above all else, and really didn't capture my attention. First, think about how you want to begin this story and introduce the plot, and remember that you don't have to give it away in the first little chapter/prologue. Give us some little details that aren't filled in yet. That helps to give you a lure that draws us closer. Make us wonder. Think, Where could I find an interesting place to start this off, while introducing my character and drawing in my readers? Hard? Intensely. But right now it seems really boring and fact-based. I don't want to know every ounce of this girl's background, and her parents' background, and whatnot...not yet at least. For now, just make her seem likeable and what she's doing memorable. I think this has plotline has some serious potential.
Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another. ~Lemony Snicket




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Okay, I'm here-ish. I can't give you a full scale review, sadly. Here's what I can say

Firstly, just a bit of fact confusion. They are going to drive to Florida and then sail to Somalia? Hmm, wouldn't that mean they'd have to cross the Atlantic to South Africa and then climb their way up the east coast of Africa. Thinking about this makes it seem you don't know much about geography, but then I realize how expensive it would be to fly a whole group plus luggage across Africa. So at least put something in there so that your character acknowledges the long journey ahead. Or are boats quick enough that it'll be really quick?

Then, the other reviewers said as this is your beginning, it should carry more... VUMA! Have you ever heard a saying, start everything as it goes wrong. That's not always the best because then it seems your story is very shallow and bloody. Urgh. It is important to create an emotional connection between character and reader. How about starting with pirates attacking and then have someone close to the main character get kidnapped?
We'd be able to see how the main character reacts under emergency. That's when your true colours show :D

Hope this helped, TheNewHero.




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Well I thought that was good. I really liked how you had the intro and stuff at the beginning. It would be weird if the story just started with people being killed by pirates and you didn't know what was going on. I don't think you should change it. You could make the hook different to get more of the reader's attention though. A mom yelling to the character to get ready is used so much. The plot sounds like it's going to be good. I can't wait to read the next part.
Never engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed person.



It's kind of fun to do the impossible.
— Walt Disney