(Chpt 1)...While I Pondered, Weak and Weary...

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***If you haven't already, check out the prologue. Really don't like this right now...help please!***

I was surprised to wake up the next morning. Surprised, because I hadn’t realized I’d fallen asleep, and that when I had it was shockingly nightmare-free. The letter was still crumpled in my right hand as it had been before. Rubbing my eyes, I walked to overflowing trash can with the intentions of throwing it away, only to look at it yet again and hesitantly shove it into the pocket of my old blue jeans. Whether or not I took my grandfather up on his offer to visit, there was a part of me that felt attached to the note that I’d been so afraid of just the night before. Yawning, I stumbled into the kitchen for breakfast. Wait, it was 11:00...lunch then. After microwaving a can of soup and wrangling my wild brown hair into ponytail, I wasn’t quite sure of what to do. I ate but wasn’t quite sure I was hungry.
The window revealed the world outside--a far more tranquil place here in Oregon than it was in New York City. It was a pretty busy day, though; cars zipped by, and the sidewalks were strewn with the figures of people. Only two blocks away, Palegrove Hospital’s sign stood.
No, no, no, I told myself. He doesn’t deserve it. Even if he’s dying. Did he care when your dad was dead? Or even your mom? His own daughter? I don’t think so, so what makes you think that he could possibly care about you?
No matter how much I grappled with my consciousness, and no matter how much I agreed that this was a bad idea, I found myself walking out the door, down the steps and two blocks south.
My curiosity overpowered all logic and hatred.

The hospital’s waiting room was eerily quiet, as if the dull room and faint humming sound of the lights cut off all other noise. The walls were painted a pale blue, the carpet an off-white color that revealed wear and tear over the years. A few people sat in the black chairs, some coughing or dozing off while others flipped through old magazines. Mrs. Flagstone, the woman behind the reception desk, shot me a questionable look through her thick-rimmed specs. Maybe she remembered me from my last check-up that had ended with me squeamishly smacking the shot from my doctor’s hand; after that, I’d raced out the door and hadn’t returned. Tetanus didn’t seem as bad as a pointy needle.
“May I help you?” she asked, her voice scratchy and hoarse as though she’d had a cigarette-pack too many.
“I’m looking for someone.”
“Yes?”
“I got a letter from him. He said he was staying here?”
Her small moment of interest had clearly come and gone, as she now flipped through a catalog. “Fascinating. Really.”
How had she not been fired? “Well I was wondering if I could visit him,” I said, beginning to doubt that she would help me at all. “His name’s Douglas J. Peters?”
She looked up at me now, yet again curious. “Why do you want to see him?”
“He’s my…” I hesitated. The word ‘grandfather’ still stuck in my throat a little. “He asked to see me.”
"You knew him?"
"Well, no."
Mrs. Flagstone scoffed. “Well unless you’re some kind of psychic who can visit the dead, meeting him won't be an option.”
My breath caught in the back of my throat. “He’s dead?”
“'Fraid so."
For whatever reason, I felt myself suppress a tiny sob. Why did it hurt so much to lose someone you didn’t even know? Especially someone you’d thought to hate only moments ago? Then again, I suppose the same could be said for the loss of my father. Death seemed to be my stalker. “Are you sure?”
She rolled her eyes, as though that was the most absurd question she’d ever heard. “Yes, I’m sure. Can’t hardly forget Peters, can you? Strangest man I’ve ever met…”
“What do you mean? Strange?”
“As loony as a Canadian coin,” Mrs. Flagstone remarked, yet again suspicious of me. “Who exactly was he to you?" “He was my--” (I think I choked the word out) “--grandfather, but I never met him. But I came home and found his letter on my bed, saying he wanted to see me.”
She gave me a slightly sympathetic look, but it didn't take the hard chill from her bitter words. "Well I'm afraid that it won't be possible until you start digging your grave now. And not being a psychic there really isn't anything else I can do for you."
“Wait,” I said wearily. My efforts felt somewhat hopeless now, but the letter had frightened me somehow. The fact was, if my grandfather had wanted to talk to me, it wouldn't be something as simple as having a little chat. If my grandfather had wanted to see me...to "make amends"...this couldn't be something so simple. “You said he was strange? What kind of strange? I guess, what I mean to ask is…was he the kind of strange that would sneak out of the hospital to put a note right on my bed while I was away?”
By the look she gave me, it was clear she believed insanity ran in the family. “No. After his stroke, he couldn‘t walk. He was a definite character, though, one you can’t help but remember. He told some amazing stories--a gift--but they were always followed up by some absurd gibberish that no one could understand. He would randomly begin reciting poetry, too. Your grandpa had more than a few screws loose.”
“Really?” My curiosity was sparked. “What kind of stories?"
She rolled her eyes impatiently. “Look, if you’re really that interested I suggest you get in touch with Cheryl LeScue. She was his nurse most of the time he was here. She was intensely interested by his stories, rumor has it wrote a few down. Talk to her."
I nodded. “Cheryl LeScue. Got it. Thanks.”
I didn’t really know where I was going with this, but I had a feeling it would take me places. My grandfather was dead. Still, I got the feeling that whatever this was about, it was far from over.
Last edited by StoryWeaver13 on Sun May 01, 2011 2:11 am, edited 4 times in total.
Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another. ~Lemony Snicket




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Hi Storyweaver! I'm back for more! :)

So, this is good, but still needs a little bit of work. I'm just going to go through from the beginning and nitpick for a minute.

I walked to the overflowing trash can

Forgot the "the".

I wasn’t quite sure of what to do. I ate but wasn’t quite sure I was hungry.

There's just one too many "wasn't quite sure"'s for my liking. Maybe put some internal dialogue after the first "I wasn't quite sure of what to do." Have her debating: Visit, don't visit. Go hear this urgent news or pretend it never happened. Or, you could change the second sentence to "I ate mindlessly." or something like that. Or you can keep it like it is. It's your call. :)

her voice scratchy and hoarse as though she’d had one cigarette-pack too many.

One instead of "a".

For whatever reason, I felt myself suppress a tiny sob. Why did it hurt so much to lose someone you didn’t even know?

Instead of "I felt myself" do this or that, make sure your character is a part of everything. Say something like "I had to suppress a sob." Then the "Why did it hurt so much" sentence kind of felt like it came out of nowhere. I was surprised she felt sad about it and kind of think your character might be surprised too. So maybe you could say, "I had to suppress a sob, surprised at how much the news hurt." or something like that. I think that would make it flow better.

“Well, not in so many words. He was my--” (I think I choked the word out) “--grandfather, but I never met him. But I came home and found his letter on my bed, saying he wanted to see me.”

The little internal dialogue thing in the middle, cut out the "I think". Your character knows what she is or isn't doing and she knows what she is or isn't thinking. So you could just do, "I choked the word out" or "I choked on the words" or something.

“Wait,” I said urgently. I was no detective, but I could smell something out of place. To be completely honest, the letter had shaken me somehow. My life had always made sense, a clear image in front of me. Now if felt like a puzzle, pieces scattered throughout. “You said he was strange? What kind of strange? I guess, what I mean to ask is…was he the kind of strange that would sneak out of the hospital to put a note right on my bed while I was away?”

At this point it starts to feel like you're jumping the gun a bit. This is all just a bit too fast. If she's so shaken about losing her grandfather would she be thinking this straight to start interogating the receptionist right away? Or would she go home and mull it over, realize something wasn't right and then go back to get some answers? Let us savor the mystery and feel the suspense and confusion your character is feeling.

Sorry if some of that was harsh, but I'm just telling you what I think would help make this good story great. Mystery is hard to write and it's hard to get the pacing and feeling right. I think you're doing a good job and you have a nice foundation to build on and work from. I especially liked your dialogue and descriptions because I felt like I was there with your characters. And I loved the part about her running out of the doctors office because they wanted to give her a shot. That was awesome and told us a lot about your character. :D

Keep up the good work! Feel free to PM me with any questions. :)
"Without hard work, nothing grows but weeds."
-Gordon B. Hinckley




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Hey there StoryWeaver!

Great chapter although I personally preferred the mystery of the prologue.

So, this is good, but still needs a little bit of work. I'm just going to go through from the beginning and nitpick for a minute.

I walked to the overflowing trash can
Forgot the "the".
WRONG. Read it out loud. It could work if it was 'to overflowing trash CANS' but it isn't. I know this is messing with you but removing the 'the' doesn't make any sense.

Okay, as I mentioned, I loved this chapter. What I didn't love was Mrs Flagstone. Hospitals in our area are always packed and the receptionist would NOT remember one patient in particular, there's just too many! Of course, he WAS a character from her point of view but maybe she could type in his name and go 'oh yes, I see' or something. Also, I am appaled by her reaction of 'dead as a doornail'. She Can't know that Alexa is the grand-daughter and how uncouthful of her to say it like this. She should be some kind of sympathetic, don't you think?

Okay, well that's it. I hope the second chapters soon to be up and running because I really can't wait to see where you're going with this. Great job, keep writing and please pm me for the next chapter!

Tanya :D



The reason a boat sinks isn't the water around it. It sinks when water gets into it. Don't let what's happening around you weigh you down.
— dalisay