The Track Star

Sorry if the track info isn't correct. I'm not so great at sports because I'm a klutz!
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I closed my eyes. This was it. I reached my goal. I made it to the track finals and I was going to win. It took a lot of work with my parents and best friend. But I did it! I made a wide smile in victory. I was imagining the cheers from my family and friend when I make it to the finish line at first place. All my hard was worth it!

“Hayley! It’s time! Are you ready?” my best friends voice came from the background.

I snapped back into reality and opened my eyes.

“Were you daydreaming again?” Natalie asked

I smiled.

She grabbed my hand and exclaimed," There's no time for that now! You’re about to win a race!”

After that she dragged me onto the field.

“Aren’t you going to stretch?”

“Oh right!” I said and started stretching.

“Hayley, you need to focus if you’re going to win!” Natalie yelled sounding annoyed

“Sorry Natalie. I’m just really excited. Winning is everything to me. And if I lose Julia will make fun of me for sure!”

“Well then you better not lose!” Natalie said.

After I finished stretch I started jogging to the starting line.

But before I made it somebody grabbed my wrist. It was Natalie.

“Look Hayley. I believe in you and I know you can do it. I’ll be cheering as loud as I can. And I doubt that I can be louder than your parents. But listen, focus on nothing but the starting line. Promise me that. Even if you hear something weird in the audience or there’s fireworks. Focus on the finish line and run as fast as you can.”

I stared at her hazel eyes for a short period of time and nodded. We gave each other one last hug and I ran on the starting line.

I finally made it to the starting line. I got in my position. And closed my eyes and waited for the man to shoot the gun. I always close my eyes before I start anything important to keep me focused on it. And this was the most important thing in my life so far. And I was ready.

“On your marks. Get set...” And he shot the gun.

My eyes suddenly flashed open. And I was running. I loved running. Every time I run I always feel so alive. It’s the only thing that knows how to keep me truly happy. The faster I went, the more energy I had. And I knew I was surely going faster than anyone else. Everyone knew it. Even I did. I was going win.

Then it happened.

I heard a voice from the background call out my name. “Hayley! Look over here! Hayley! Look!”

I got curious and turned my head. It was Julia.

Why was she here? What was she doing? And why was she holding a mirror?

Then all my dreams shattered to pieces.

The sun hit the mirror and hit my eyes. I got blinded by the light and slowed down. Then I tripped.

I opened my eyes and got up immediately. My stunt didn’t stop the other competitors but that didn’t bring my spirits down.

I started running again. As fast as my legs could take me. But this time I wasn’t running just to enjoy it. I was running with anger. I wanted to show Julia that I was faster and stronger than she thought I was. I was going to prove it to her. I knew I could do I just needed to try my best...

But then reality hit me again. I could’t make it. I would never ever prove it to Julia because it was too late. Nobody was fast enough to make it first place. Tears rolled down my face. My arms started shaking. But I was still trying. Even though I would never win. I will never get that trophy. I will never get that “Good Job” from my best friend. I’ll never get that “You did it Hayley!” from my family. Because I was just Hayley. The girl who tried and never made it.

I passed a few people. But that still did’t make me feel any better. I kept on pounding my feet to the ground with anger. And the tears came down faster. Soon I was blinded by tears. That still didn’t stop me.

I must of ran faster than I thought I did because when I made it to the finish line my mom was the first to hug me.

“You made fifth place, honey!” she exclaimed.

That still didn’t make me feel any better..

After all the hugs and the laughter of Julia in the background. There was only one person I wanted to talk to. The one I broke a promise to..

“Natalie! Natalie! Where are you?” I was searching and searching for her until someone tripped me.

“Ha! Tripped again!” an evil voice said

I got back up and turned around.

“Too bad your dreams didn’t come true tonight. Because mine sure did!” Julia said with a laugh

I was about to yell at her face until someone grabbed my shoulder from behind.

“Don’t do it” the voice whispered in my ear

“Hello Natalie” Julia mumbled

“Can you please stop torturing my friend and go away.” Natalie said in a strangely polite voice

“Do you really think that’s possible?” Julia taunted

“At least for tonight?” Natalie pleaded

“Fine!” Julia yelled and stalked away

Natalie took my hand and leaded me to a lonely spot in the bleachers.

“Nathan Fisher won the track race today. I always thought it would be your name on the trophy..”

Just that sentence broke me into tears.

“Hayley...Hayley...Calm down.” Natalie said quietly

“I’m sorry. I just can’t help myself. I even broke your promise” and I broke into tears again.

“You can’t let a race bring you down.”

“I know..but..but..” my sobbing took over after that.

“Hayley you have a gift. You have wonderful, amazing, fantastic, gift. And you are the one to use it. You are the one who knows what to do with it. You are the one who controls it. Are you going to let Julia take it away from you? You’re gift? All this hard work?”

“No.. But she is impossible. She’ll never go away.” I mumbled.

“But with my help are you able to do it? And your family‘s?" Natalie answered faithfully

It took me a second to reply. Then another tear came to my eye.

“I’d be nothing without you Natalie..” I murmured

“And besides, there’s always next year!”

“Yeah. Guess so..”

“Hey, don’t give up. This is just the beginning. Who knows? You might be able to becomes the world’s best track star someday.” exclaimed my best friend.

Just the thought of it made me smile. Me, in shining lights, getting a enormous trophy with my name imprinted on it.

“Wow.. Do you really think that‘s possible?” I mumbled

“Of course it is! With your gift, I’m positive you can become the world’s best track star.”

“Well, not if I can’t keep focused..” I replied.

“Now, I’ll help you with that.” Natalie said with a giggle.

We gave each other a big hug which really made me thinking. Is being a track star really possible for me with all these obstacles?

A smile came across my face when Natalie and I departed from our hug. Because I know it certainly is possible for me to become the world’s best track star.

Hi there! I really enjoyed reading this story, but before I get to overall comments, I think I'll just jump right in:

I closed my eyes. This was it. I reached my goal. I made it to the track finals and I was going to win. It took a lot of work with my parents and best friend. But I did it! I made a wide smile in victory. I was imagining the cheers from my family and friend when I make it to the finish line at first place. All my hard was worth it!

I'd delete this paragraph. It's an info drop, and completely unnecessary. It made me skim right from the beginning, which is NOT what you want.

“Oh right!” I said and started stretching.

“Hayley, you need to focus if you’re going to win!” Natalie yelled sounding annoyed

“Sorry Natalie. I’m just really excited. Winning is everything to me. And if I lose Julia will make fun of me for sure!”

“Well then you better not lose!” Natalie said.

After I finished stretch I started jogging to the starting line.

Ok, answer me seriously: Have you ever heard someone actually speak like this? I don't think so. I know you said that you're not a track person, but you've probably competed for something in your life. It's not like this. Also, proof-reading:

"After I finished stretching I jogged to the startling line."
"Natalie yelled, sounding annoyed."


From now on, there are quite a few errors. I'm not going to point them out now, because you are probably capable of finding them yourself with a simple read through. (If you need help, feel free to send me a message)

My overall thought now: what was the point of this? You don't run track, so why write about the experience if you don't really know what it's like? I'm not saying that you can't use track and field in a story, just that it seems odd to pick something like that for the sole focus.

Also, plot. Let's look at what has happened so far:

The MC is excited for the race. Her friend tells her she has to win and she promises (something I never do--go into a race assuming I'm going to win. It just doesn't work like that) she will. She starts the race and is winning, but a generically evil character foils her plan by confusing her with a mirror, just because she's evil. MC comes in fifth place. She's a horrible sport and goes off to whine about it, but her friend (the same one who told her she had to win) gives her a pep talk and everything is better again.

I think that may have sounded a lot harsher than I meant it to, but can you see how I was a bit confused with what you were trying to say?

Here is what I would do to fix it, personally:

Give the evil character a motive, or explain back story as to why she hates Haley.
Make Haley's reactions more realistic when it comes to the race in general. (If you need help with that, PM me).
Set up a little more character reactions--why does Haley react the way she does? Personally, if I feel like I've failed in something, I don't sob about it. I go off by myself or internalize everything and get very quiet. Obviously, Haley is different, so give her her own reaction, but make it realistic.

PM me with questions or if you want another review!

See you around,

Lupis

I closed my eyes. This was it. I reached my goal. I made it to the track finals and I was going to win. It took a lot of work with my parents and best friend. But I did it! I made a wide smile in victory. I was imagining the cheers from my family and friend when I make it to the finish line at first place. All my hard was worth it!

Like the last reviewer said, an info dump. He/she also pointed out the fact that your characters' reactions aren't very realistic. And what was your reason for writing this? What was the plot? The evil-cheating character is quite cliche too, and in general this just seemed sort of over-the-top dramatic. And I'm no track runner, but I'm pretty sure someone would notice her holding a mirror, and wouldn't it be difficult to run holding up a mirror just the right way to be a distraction? I'm not trying to be mean, just saying it as I see it.

Hiya DreamWriter, KD here to review!

DreamWriter99 wrote:I closed my eyes. This was it. I reached my goal. I made it to the track finals and I was going to win. It took a lot of work with my parents and best friend. But I did it! I made a wide smile in victory. I was imagining the cheers from my family and friend when I make it to the finish line at first place. All my hard was worth it!

Lupis is 100% correct. Don't shove all the info in the reader's face. In this story, I think it's better for you to slowly show (not tell) the reader about what's going on.

DreamWriter99 wrote:After I finished stretching I started jogging to the starting line.

Be careful to not miss out on parts of words, and words. I see this problem often.

DreamWriter99 wrote:But before I made it somebody grabbed my wrist. It was Natalie.

“Look Hayley. I believe in you and I know you can do it. I’ll be cheering as loud as I can. And I doubt that I can be louder than your parents. But listen, focus on nothing but the starting line. Promise me that. Even if you hear something weird in the audience or there’s fireworks. Focus on the finish line and run as fast as you can.”

Haha, she sounds like a mom, or a coach. Would most girls/friends sound like that? If you're trying to characterize Natalie, make it clear. Also: 'Focus on the finish line and run as fast as you can'...I would change that to 'Just keep your focus, just keep on running!' or something like that.

DreamWriter99 wrote:And I was running. I loved running. Every time I run I always feel so alive. It’s the only thing that knows how to keep me truly happy. The faster I went, the more energy I had. And I knew I was surely going faster than anyone else. Everyone knew it. Even I did. I was going win.

It would be nice if you could describe more about how it feels to run. You want your reader to feel like they're the MC. Help the reader get a better picture of what's going on.

DreamWriter99 wrote:The sun hit the mirror and hit my eyes. I got blinded by the light and slowed down. Then I tripped.

I think this part would be better if you just described what happened but not how it worked, since it's pretty obvious.

Overall:


I was afraid that this was going to be a cheesy 'and the MC of course wins!' short story. I'm glad it isn't...that makes the story so much better. This has promise, but definitely needs some improvement.
Make this story more realistic, especially Natalie's character. Describe more. Describe more about how the MC immediate feelings when the mirror event happened to her, how it felt (literally...how would it feel to light bouncing off a mirror and into your eyes?), etc. Try to not just say the obvious; yeah, of course she was angry. What else can you say?

Hope I helped, keep up the good work!

~KD

Hey. Canislupis gave you an awesome review, and I agree with all she said. I have a few comments to add though.

I closed my eyes. This was it. I reached my goal. I made it to the track finals and I was going to win. It took a lot of work with my parents and best friend. But I did it! I made a wide smile in victory. I was imagining the cheers from my family and friend when I make it to the finish line at first place. All my hard was worth it!

A runner wouldn't think of it as the "track finals", she would just say "finals". And I think she would be thinking more about her coach and her team, rather than her parents and best friend - you do the hard work with your coach and your team, they're the ones who really understand and have been with you through everything. But also I agree with Canislupis that you could just skip this paragraph.

“Aren’t you going to stretch?”

“Oh right!” I said and started stretching.

“Hayley, you need to focus if you’re going to win!” Natalie yelled sounding annoyed

“Sorry Natalie. I’m just really excited. Winning is everything to me. And if I lose Julia will make fun of me for sure!”

I agree with Natalie - Hayley should be a lot more focused. This does not seem like a good reflection of an athlete's mentality before a big race. If she is a competitive runner, she shouldn't need Natalie to tell her to start stretching. She should be in the "zone", just thinking about the race and the race alone, focusing, trying to be calm in spite of nerves. She shouldn't be thinking about Julia or anything in the outside world. Although if Julia was her big competition, running against her in the race, this could be another story. But I'm also confused about why she's with Natalie before the race? She should be warming up with her team and coach .

“Look Hayley. I believe in you and I know you can do it. I’ll be cheering as loud as I can. And I doubt that I can be louder than your parents. But listen, focus on nothing but the starting line. Promise me that. Even if you hear something weird in the audience or there’s fireworks. Focus on the finish line and run as fast as you can.”

I just found this a bit unrealistic, that Natalie sounds like she knows more about competing than Hayley and she's not even an athlete. If Natalie isn't a runner, again, she shouldn't really be with Hayley this close before the race starts, she should be in the stands or on the sidelines. She could say this to her before Hayley goes to warm up, maybe.

I heard a voice from the background call out my name. “Hayley! Look over here! Hayley! Look!”

I got curious and turned my head. It was Julia.

Ah! I'm not Hayley, but most athletes wouldn't be distracted by this. In a big race or a big game, you tend to tune out everything but the race or the game. There is only you, the race, and the other runners. You kinda can't even hear or see anything going on outside of that. Maybe if Hayley is inexperienced this could work, but to me this doesn't seem like how a top-notch runner would act.

“You made fifth place, honey!”

This just sounds funny to me; I would say "got" instead of "made".

Natalie took my hand and leaded me to a lonely spot in the bleachers.

“Nathan Fisher won the track race today. I always thought it would be your name on the trophy..”

Just that sentence broke me into tears.

You tend to over-dramatize, especially toward the end of the story and with this line by Natalie. Also, it's kind of mean for Natalie to start off like this, it's like she's trying to make her feel worse. I think starting off like "Hayley, I know you're beating yourself up right now, but you can't let this get to you" would be more appropriate/realistic. And always just say "race" instead of "track race" .

We gave each other a big hug which really made me thinking. Is being a track star really possible for me with all these obstacles?

A smile came across my face when Natalie and I departed from our hug. Because I know it certainly is possible for me to become the world’s best track star.

What are all the obstacles? The only obstacle really present in the story is Julia, which doesn't sound like that much. Your diction sounds odd again with the "track star" lines; "world's best track star" should be "world's fastest runner".

And like Canislupis said, I'm confused as to Julia's motivations; she seems a little unreal right now.


You said you're not an athlete, so overall I'm just trying to give you an athlete's perspective on this. You had some nice descriptions and the story had a nice, easy-to-read flow to it, but I think a lot of the content and it's overall presentation is unrealistic. I would make Julia a runner on the opposite team, and make them have a long history competing against each other. Making Natalie a runner on her team (her teammate, but maybe not her competition is this event, like maybe Hayley runs the 400m and Natalie runs the mile) would help a lot as well. And then for how she loses it, maybe just have Julia beat her by a split second, fair and square, but then before the race have Julia talking shit about her or something else like that.

Hope this helps, good luck with this!