To the Slaughter, to the Bed

I wrote this after last night, being bored in the local Night Club. The point is very subtle so if ya don't get it, doesn't matter. But I like it, so going to risk posting it.

******

Techno beats and poppy rock,
lights surround, flash and blind.
Smoke and shadows gyrate in
ecstasy.

Around, friends about,
snaps of pleasure
of desire, screams
radiate about.

Kisses exchanged,
and given, flirtatous
gazes and touch,
from Sirens they
come.

Disco lights,
blind and seduce
in the smoke
filled house.

Lambs to the Slaughter,
we come and go. Through
parties and pubs, drink
the night away.

Principals, stand,
shaky at best.

Walking through, the strobe
and smoke, swim through
the air.

Swing and spin,
spin and swing.

Play it again!

I really don't know this
dance.

LastPaladin wrote:I wrote this after last night, being bored in the local Night Club. The point is very subtle so if ya don't get it, doesn't matter. But I like it, so going to risk posting it.

******

Techno beats and poppy rock,
lights surround, flash and blind. The flow here is kind of weird for me. "lights surround, flash and blind" it doesn't read well, in my opinion
Smoke and shadows gyrate in
ecstasy. How does smoke gyrate? Is it moving around with the people?

Around, friends about,
snaps of pleasure
of desire, screams
radiate about. Try reading this out-loud to yourself, does that sound right?

Kisses exchanged,
and given, flirtatious You had spelled that wrong, I had firefox fix it
gazes and touch,
from Sirens they Sirens? What do you mean by that? You bring up something, but you don't expand on it, why? It's just reading like a bunch of disconnected thoughts.
come.

Disco lights,
blind and seduce
in the smoke
filled house.

Lambs to the Slaughter,
we come and go. Through
parties and pubs, drink
the night away. Once again, read this out loud to yourself, does it sound right?

Principals, stand,
shaky at best. Huh? Expand on this! You can make it better with imagery and metaphor!

Walking through, the strobe
and smoke, swim through
the air. Once again, read out loud to yourself, what are you trying to say?

Swing and spin,
spin and swing.

Play it again!

I really don't know this
dance.Okay, this would be a good closer, but the reader has no idea what's going on either.

Overall: It's okay, it has potential. You bring up things, but then you don't expand on it, it's like I can almost touch it then it slips away. It also doesn't flow well, in my opinion it reads all... disconnected-like.

Imagery: Very little, you could expand on the "Principal" thing for imagery. And the smoke and shadows.
Metaphor: Same as stated in imagery.
Diction: Okay. Try reading poetry and, when you don't understand a word the poet uses, look it up. I find it to be a bit exciting when I see words I didn't even know existed.

I hope you understand what I'm saying, so you can edit your poem.

personally I have never tried to describe a club scene poetically i'm saying so because this is what I think your poem is all about and for that I must congratulate you, describing a scene isn't that easy talkless of doing it poetically. but I must add that your description lacks imagery, write in a way that your audience will be able to see what you saw when in the club, your poem lacks that, as a writer once said the best way to create imagery is to first do it in your mind which can be done by shutting your eyes, think about the club and write down the things that comes to mind and latter edit them to create poetry. what am trying to say is that you can do better than this next time

I'm going to have to be the odd one out of the bunch and say that I liked this. It's not solid, if you understand that, it's more on the cusp of something, like you can't see the whole thing, only the edges (which I hope is what you were going for?).

I'm not going to really critique this because I'm not much good at critiquing poetry and I personally think that this is the sort of thing that you write and if people like it and understand it, great, but if they don't, that's fine too. The only thing that's bothering me is where you wrote "principals," did you mean "principles," as in standards of behavior? Even if you didn't, I think it makes more sense that way.

Keep writing!

~Amylith

As per usual, your poems are magnificent.

This one to me, I could really feel like I was there in the particular place. The use of sensory imagery, engaging not only sight, but also sound is very detailed and thrilling.

"Around, friends about,
snaps of pleasure
of desire, screams
radiate about."
Is a very communicating sound. "Snaps of pleasure" makes it like, ring to my ears.

The concept of the poem, too, goes very well with the setting. They way you refer to them as "Lambs of the slaughter" is very creative.

"Principals, stand,
shaky at best."
Really goes well with the poem.

My most favorite part, though, was actually the very last line.
"I really don't know this
dance."

I don't know if you intended it to be humorous or not, but to me it seemed to lighten things and make it a good poem, like a nice one. I don't know how to explain it, but I liked it a lot.

All and all, wonderful job, as I have told you. ^^
Keep up the good work~