Love (Pt 2)

Love,
I thought you will never come,
That my heart is of steel,
I thought I was too insignificant,
That among the stars, a dot I was.

But I was wrong, you came,
You swept me off my feet,
Left a footprint in my life,
Made me soar in the sky,
You change my view of worth.

Romeo wasn't wrong
To die for you,
I would do the same
If I were in his shoes,
Cause what you brought,
Is worth a trillion yuan.

So please stay
Until my dying days

Hi,

I like how you've broken up the stanzas to reflect each new stage in the poem.

You switch between past and present tense. I think the past tense is more effective here, so, for example, I'd change "I thought you will never come" to "I thought you would never come" and "You change my view" to "You changed my view."

I really like the first two lines of the final stanza.

I'd change cliches like "swept me off my feet" and "made me soar" to something more visual. I'd suggest scrapping lines which sound like something you've read before and make them more specific.

Hope this helps,
Jas

Hello!

I've read part one and part two of this poem, but as this one has less comments I'll just post here.

I found this poem to jump around between ideas and not really give us a coherent image in our heads. Part of it is the tenses, as Jasmine pointed out, but the other part is I never got a strong idea behind this. Are you talking about love in general, God's love, different stanzas being different kind of love? It's confusing, as there's nothing really tying this poem together.

I also agree with Jasmine that the language is cliched and not very visual. Work getting metaphor into the poem more, and other poetic devices. Here is an article going through some poetic devices, but there are a lot more to be had. You can also check out this article on cliches in poetry. The last section of the cliches article deals with love poems specifically, and could be of use to you.

Overall, I think you need a goal to this poem and you need to work harder at making readers understand that goal in the poem.

Hope this helps, and PM me if you have any questions.

~Rosey

Well i liked this poem although i thought it was a little ironic with ur picture of a baby writing about love lol (side note) This is a good piece but a couple things to point out for example "is worth a trillion yaun" i would use it's rather than is and as for yaun. i dont kno what that is lol. im guessing its some amount of money but thats probly just me and my blankmindedness. but apart from that sounds great. keep up the great work