Keeper of the Stones: Black Dragons (4) OM

Omitted Chapter.

Hey there EMJ! I shall use my magnifying class talents (as you called them ) to review the long awaited chapter 4. Time to carry-on!

EmmaJane wrote:That was what hed said as he gave it to her, even if he meant she should ring him if she got in trouble.

*he'd given

EmmaJane wrote:She grabbed her phone and dialled Kieran’s number.

EmmaJane wrote:“I, ah, had to ring. I … had a bad dream. I’m sorry, but I have to check if you were okay. Tell me you’re okay. Please…?”

*had

Okay, nit-picking is done. I liked the chapter, I was so nervous when I thought she was being kidnapped, only to find out it was a dream, ouf!

My only problem is the fact that there is no description of Emily. Is she old? Young? Beautiful? Ugly? And I don't think you should put in a big description like a paragraph, but just integrate it here and there, like in the dialogue. Maybe mention like when she's ashamed and says she's sorry, that she let's some of her __(colour)__ hair fall into her face. Or something to that effect.

Other than that, I thought everything was good. I'm anxious to see what's gonna happen between the two of them and with whoever answered the phone. (Which I'm guessing was the creepy bad buy dude)
'Til next chapter!

Thanks WritingSpitfire! I really appreciate the review. I'm terrible with tenses, and always mess 'em up.

WritingSpitfire wrote:

EmmaJane wrote:She grabbed her phone and dialled Kieran’s number.

It's an American spelling (your correction). I changed it and my computer was like "Uh-uh. Wrong".
As for the point about Emily, I was going to do a lot of description when a certain member of the Black Dragons sees her for the first time. There's even a little bit of description in the next chapter. But, yeah, some description of her wouldn't go amiss, I admit.
"Creepy bad boy dude" - Leo? He's meant to be a sociopath, which'll be a challenge to do! C:


To those reading and running - I'm really uncomfortable with posting chapters when the last only got one comment. If you could just drop a line or something... Even if you're saying you hate it. Anything's better than nothing.

~Emma

LOL, well, I definitely don't hate it but I was confused.

Once again, the flow was beautiful and honestly I should stop repeating myself but I envy the ease with which you write.

BUT I would like to - No, I need to know more here. I don't like that you made us like Kieran in the last chapter and now he's a total ass to Emily, which was sweet but too passive. Maybe understanding a bit more about her will help, I mean why would she drop everything for her if he treats her like dirt.

What confuses me even more is where they are. I mean, the stone took him to anywhere in the world and he landed back to an area he knows? He HAD To know they would find him but he's been doing this for a year, taking her out to public places and all so what was he running from before? Am I making any sense at all? If not, PM me and I'll try to go into more detail, ok?

Great job, keep writing!!!
Tanya

And again we have returned to that brilliant standard of writing.

Emily is a great character in that she is just as unique and vivid as all the others. I think the most interesting thing about her is not Emily herself, but rather her connection with Kieran. She seems like a typical nobody who worries too much, but then, why does he care about her so much even though he acts like he doesn't? What's so special about her? The simplicity of her character, combined with the significance of her role in the plot, makes it all the more mysterious.

And on to part five.

I'd say Emily's introduction is a success, especially with the twist at the end.

"Being friendless meant it was easier..." From about this point downwards you start adding in a lot of unnecessary commas, and there's a few consecutively short sentences which break the flow a bit. The best way to deal with commas is simply to take them out, and if the sentence still makes sense, leave it out.