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“You know why we are here, elf. “
“Oh, ow,” I muttered in silence, but I knew it was far too late.
Everything around me disappeared; Lily, Evan - suffering on the couch -, the room, the floor. I was alone with my parents in the darkness. One tear rolled down my cheeks. I was not going to show any sign of weakness, again…
“You broke the elfin rules, by using your precious magic on a simple, defenseless human. You know our nature and culture: we are to protect weaker creatures. To hurt them is a mammoth crime.”
I thought of Evan and Derek in the dark street, chasing me, annoying me after that terrible day in human town. Wasn’t it normal I’d gone mad? No, we elves don’t go mad.
“You, elf, gave innocent humans a reason to hate us.”
I saw Evan holding my neck, strangling me.
“Therefore you shall be punished.”
My mother flinched, but didn’t say a word. She looked the other way. I’d swear I heard her sob softly. I, myself, didn’t show any emotion. If I had to be punished by our law, I would take it without fear.
“Your punishment will accord to the damage you inflicted on human Evan. As we can assume he is very close to death, it seems you will have to endure a hard punishment, elf.”
This is where I started trembling, though I tried to control my body. My father’s voice was so cold, like if he didn’t care he was punishing his daughter. The one he had been holding in his arms the day before.
I knew the laws; I knew the punishments for killing a human. I didn’t want to hear mine…
“From now on, your powers will be reduced to the green level. You shall not come back to the planet that was once your home, for at least one Circle.”
“Please, Eldor. Make an exception,’ I heard mother whisper.
Poor, poor mum. It was my fault she felt like this now. She was crying, without any reservation now. My father didn’t grant her a single look.
I hoped he was going to leave now. I wanted to cry so bad myself, but he continued and it felt like my heart was thorn out and broken in a hundred little pieces of pain tainted with some suffer.
“From now on…,” he swallowed loudly, “you are no longer a member of the royal family anymore. I am not your father, neither is this your mother. Now bow and hand over your Diamond, daughter of No Men.”
I couldn’t move. I just couldn’t move, I was barely able to breathe.
They had banished me, but that wasn’t for ever. They had taken my powers, the levels I had worked on for my 900 years. And now, they took my title, my family, my home, everything I loved for one stupid mistake. I had assisted to a lot of trials: no one ever had this hard a punishment to endure. Or did it just felt thousand times worse now it was happening to me?
I could live with the first part, but this… All my guilt, all my shame changed in uncontrolled anger and pain. I gasped, felt down on my knees. I left all my pride behind and begged for mercy. I begged in front of my own father, my own parents. This was my limit. I couldn’t handle any more. Too much.
Mam made a movement, probably to hold me in her arms, but the man who once was my father held her back.
“Your diamond, elf.” He grabbed my arm and pulled me back on my feet. His gaze was cold, so cold. A shiver went down my spine. I reached for the warm diamond, the sign of royalty, of pride, of courage, of wisdom, of power. I deserved not long ago.
“No! Don’t give it to him!”
It was Lily screaming. I turned to look at her. She had such an expression of fury that I shivered again. We elves don’t know how to be furious.
She looked at the King with a murderous gaze.
“Who the hell do you think you are?” she shouted.
Oh. NO.
“Okay, maybe she overreacted a little, but that is no reason for punishing her in such a barbarian way. God, it’s not like she killed him or something, he’s still breathing! Better yet, he was the one trying to kill hér!”
“Please, Lily, just let it be,” I interrupted her softly, but she ignored me.
“Seriously, you can’t just appear in here and do this to her. Can’t you see how she is suffering? Don’t you see the tortured expression on her face? You can’t just throw her out of the family! You’re bonded, by blood. This is monstrous!” Lily breathed heavily. I thought the King was going to explode. It was so sweet of her to try to help me, it was very generous, but I was afraid she had only made things worse. But, he didn’t. He didn’t even wince. When he spoke, his voice sounded strangely calm. Soft, asking for comprehension.
“Human, I understand your trouble. Nevertheless, this elf broke one of the most important rules: the Rule of Protection. A rule every elf, especially this one, gets to learn at his first sign of magical capacities. She receives the punishment she ought to get.”
“But…she is your daughter…your flesh and blood…your closest relative…” Lily objected weakly.
“No, I don’t have a daughter.” His words felt like a punch in my face. Tears burned in my eyes, as I stood their. He didn’t have a daughter. Then who was I now…? What was I…?
Every second seamed an hour. My father held out his hand. I wanted to take it, shake it. And he would pull me close and hug me, like he used to. He wouldn’t be this stranger anymore; the Man with the Frozen Eyes.
Of course I didn’t do that. Instead I sighed and detached the diamond from the thin golden necklace. Lily made a movement to stop me, but dropped her arms after a half a second. She understood this was a lost case. Our fingers touched when I handed it over. It felt weird.
“Now bow for your superiors, elf, and honour them.”
Was this never going to end? Would this awful man never stop, could he stop pushing this invisible knife further in my heart?
I got down on my knees and bowed. I was too messed up to show any sign of resistance.
“I swear honour to you, King of… and Queen of…. I shall never repeat…,” My voice broke. Too much. I looked up at my once-mother. She nodded in encouragement. “I shall never repeat my terrible deeds. I swear solemnly to respect the Law of Protection under every circumstance and to do nothing but my duty towards our Crown. I accept my punishment without any feeling of hatred, and swear to serve my King and Queen again, once it is over.”
Silence followed my oath.
And then there was only light, so vivid, I had to close my eyes. When I opened them a glittery powder was slowly falling down, covering me.
One second of wonder, and then I knew: it was my diamond.
I shrieked.




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Uhm, I wrote this a few months ago ^^
It's not good... It was the first story-like thing I ever wrote in English.

Comments and constructive criticism are welcome! xD




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Seraphina wrote:Uhm, I wrote this a few months ago ^^
It's not good... It was the first story-like thing I ever wrote in English.

Comments and constructive criticism are welcome! xD


For your first "story-like thing" in English this has potential. I enjoyed the dialogue and the anticipation concerning what the punishment would be for hurting a human. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this, and I urge you to develop it further. Plan the storyline out, especially the characters you have created. The only past literary piece I have read concerning anything like what you have written would be the "Artemis Fowl" series by Eoin Colfer. That comparison in itself should be taken as a positive comment. My only criticism would be that you have too much happening in this expert and at times it can be confusing to keep track, but the interesting characters you have developed only fuelled my interest to continue reading. This is a minor criticism and I believe you have a good framework to build on.

Note: The Young Writers Society has a fantastic resource section above on the black tab next to "Read / Write", I highly recommend it and wish you the best of luck in your literary future.

Sincerely,
-Elitehusky




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I was a little confused by the beggining. It was a little long and I think you could have found a way to shorten it. Other than that I think it was okay.



For according to the trollish philosopher Plateau, "if you wants to understan' an enemy, you gotta walk a mile in his shoes. Den, if he's still your enemy, at least you're a mile away and he's got no shoes."
— A Blink of the Screen by Terry Pratchett