The Fragmentarian Speaks of Mortality

edited

Oh.

Wow.

The flow here was...superb. The stanzas beautifully melted into one another, and the lack of capitals was brilliant - more so because the topics you discuss are so deeply philosophical, so by appearing to make them less than they are, we can enjoy the deceptive simplicity, without worrying about the complexity of it all.

I am in a bit of a hurry - and I'll get to your other pieces next weekend, okay? - but I wanted to tell you that I really enjoyed this:

Favourite lines: '(ticking on its wings) (looks snuggly in the brackets, and takes away from the commoness of 'a little sparrow once told me'), don't you know eternity never began? (perfect, perfect ), liberty needs no person to be free of (I liked how I understood on the second go; the first time, it wasn't really necessary, and the second time, it added something more to the poem), see how the sunlight bewilders (so original!), a garden of statues that contort with grim grandeur, arching pales dominoes with beards of moss, gravity means something else when you die, my quivering body the substance of planets.........' - why don't I just quote the whole poem while I'm at it?

The stanza beginning 'i'm holding these hands' was pretty damn amazing, but it felt too flowery all the same - just taking out a few descriptions here and there would make it seem more refined, more precise, instead of flopping around like it is now (oh hang on: beating about the bush is the correct term). It was such a contrast to the clarity of the first stanza - which, by comparison, is clear and golden; abstract but eloquent in equal balance. This felt like it just dived headfirst into imagery with little thought for giving us some breathing space to digest it.

The next stanza was interesting, and somehow the fact that it sort of swooped out to the right didn't make a difference to the overal aesthetics of the poem as much, since you kept it to three lines only, and the flow was still perfect.

There were other things that might have been better: 'cold wind's rattles' is too much of a mouthful, without really getting to the point, 'why am i so numb' - this could have been more refined and less like emo poetry (sorry; first word that came to my head), the italicised 'plus' was mildly annoying, 'galactic dragonfly' felt lacking in substance (maybe that was the intention, yes?), and 'sorrow' was a perhaps too-direct word to end such an abstract poem on.

So...in summary, I loved it, and it made my day. You mixed up abstraction and imagery with intellect beautifully - and any issues with it are small in comparison to its overall effect.

iove your poem your use of words, the deep feelings i felt as i read through the poem it was classy.
But am never really a fan of lenghty poem so forgive me when i say the poem is too lenghty and i really wasn't able to grab what the poem was really about. i mean to me the poem seems to be just for the words only you never really took into consideration what it really meant and how can your audience relate to what you were saying.
Anyway keep up the good work

Thanks for the reviews. Navita– emo poetry, how perfect. I mean, Wuthering Heights, Edgar Allen Poe– I like ominous, morbid work. But yes, I get your meaning.

I will fix at least a few of the nitpicks you named, mainly the "plus" and "rattles". The others will take more time to have a mental wrestling match with.

Glad you liked it, and thanks for the criticism.

–antimelrose