My life as a human dreamcatcher Part 4

I simply stared at Alick and Durin, letting it all set in.

Then I burst out laughing.

OK, I knew I that, because of my dreams, I could be gullible, but really, that was just too much.

Once I started laughing, I couldn’t stop. My sides started to ache, so I wrapped my arms around my stomach. I started rocking back and forth a little, and nearly fell over and off my rock, into the river shore.

“You--you’ve got--got--” I couldn’t go on. My little fit of hysterics was making it impossible to speak.

After several minutes--and a glare from some old lady jogging in one of those awful track suits--I finally managed to subdue my laughter enough to breathe. I took several deep breaths--a few giggles escaped me--and I managed to look back up at Alick’s stern face.

This only made me want to start all over again, though I somehow managed to control myself.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” I succeeded in choking out.

“Do I look like I’m kidding, Megan?” Alick said.

“Meg.” Grr….

“I’m serious Megan, do I look like I’m kidding?”

“My name is Meg.” I said indignantly. He’s never going to get it, is he?

Alick once again sighed, rather exasperatedly. Then he turned around.

“Caden, you’re a teenager. Talk to her. I give up.” Alick retreated, and in his place stepped the musician.

“Hey.” he said. “I’m Caden Gabriel.”

Being polite--I mean, he hadn’t irked me yet that day--I responded, “Hi. I’m Meg.” I looked pointedly at Alick, who simply fussed with his sleeve cuff again.

“Meg, before you completely give up on the idea that this is all fake, could I show you something?”

“Oh, why not?” I said.

Caden crouched down and took something from the Wal-Mart bag; the name book.

“In Aislin Jihan,” said Caden. “names are everything. You’re name somehow defines you. It can tell about how you look, act, think, even what you are.”

He handed me the book.

“What does Meg mean?” I asked.

“It hardly matters.” said Alick, stepping forward, pushing Caden aside. I thought he gave up.

“You were named by your parents, who haven’t a clue.” he said.

“Well then,” I said. “tell me, who were you named by?” Probably the sun and the moon spirits or some other crap.

“Everyone in Aislin Jihan,” he started. “is sent to the Pool of Avel, where their parents drop them into the waters.”

I must have looked as horrified as I was, for Alick said, “When submerged in there, you can breathe. Avel means breath. It is literally a Pool of Breath.

“No one knows exactly what happens down there, but legend has it that there is a water nymph named Keren that lives there, and she paints your name onto you. The only fact is when you come out, you have your name written somewhere on you.”

Alick kept talking, but I was starting to get pretty good at zoning him out. I started leafing through the name book. I decided to look up Durin, just for the fun of it. I got to the Ds, and I found Durin.

Name: Durin. Gender: Male. Origin: German. Meaning--

“Mythical Dwarf?!” I spat out. It was only then that Alick noticed I hadn’t been giving him my complete and undivided attention.

“Well, yes,” said Alick. “In a sense. Let me explain.”

“No,” I said.

“No?” asked Alick. “What do you mean ‘no?’”

“I mean, I’m through hearing your explanations. None of this is real, and it’s getting real old real fast.”


“Of course this is real,” said Alick. “You would know if this was a dream because of--”

“My coin.” I finished.

“Exactly.”

“Here’s the thing. My coin is burning my thigh. Through my pants.

“Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go home, go to bed, and wake up.”

And without further ado, I grabbed my backpack, and ran atop the rocks and through the park. I reached my bike and took off. My hair whipping around me, I pedaled furiously and carelessly across the road, nearly getting hit in the process.

When I reached my house, I ditched my bike on the front lawn, and rushed upstairs. I swung open and slammed the door all in one motion, and dove for my purple comforter. Right then I needed a little comfort.

“Go to sleep,” I whispered to myself. “Go to sleep so I can wake up. This is just too weird. Please, go to sleep.”

Despite my demands, sleep came not. Which was weird because usually I woke up the moment I hit the covers.

“Go to sleep,” again I commanded myself, almost frantically.

“It’s not going to work.”

My squeezed-tight eyelids flew apart. I bolted upright. Perched on my open windowsill was Caden. I clamped my hand over my mouth to stifle a scream that begged to be let out.

After the initial shock had passed, I slowly lowered my hand. My chest was pounding and my eyes were wide.

“What are you doing here, Caden?” I asked in a mixture of disbelief and irritation.

“You’re not dreaming.” he said in a matter of fact way.

“Uh, yeah. I am.” I said. “My coin is warm.”

“Really?” he asked, raising one eyebrow and cocking his head..

“Yes, really.” I said, annoyance rising. “Now either get in or get out. When you’re sitting in the window like that, people can see you.”

Caden smirked. “What does it matter if they see me, if this is a dream?”

I sighed, exasperated. “Fine. Do whatever the heck you want. Me? I’m going to sleep.” I collapsed back down onto my bed, and pressed my pillow over my head, in hopes of barricading Caden out.

No such luck.

“Stop being so stubborn and check your coin.” Caden said, slightly muffled through the pillow.

“Fine! Whatever get’s you off my back.” I threw off the pillow and sat up.

I was slightly surprised to see Caden had moved from the window, like I asked, and was now residing on my desk chair. His guitar case was leaning against my desk beside him.

I slipped my coin out of my pocket.

“See, it’s--” my voice trailed off. It felt cool, like any normal coin would. “I--I don’t understand.” I stammered, dumbfounded.

“Wanna know a secret?” Caden asked, leaning forward, his arms on the backrest. “Not only does it heat up during a dream, but also when in a close distance to something--or someone--that originated in the dream world.”

I gazed down at my coin, which was resting in the palm of my hand. I could feel a slight chill coming from the metallic owl. I looked back up at Caden.

“Why then,” I asked. “does it not warm up when I’m around you?”

“Simple.” he replied casually. “I didn’t come from a dream.”

Hey! I enjoyed this story! For one, i feel our main characters would get along, lol, and the other because i loved how you ended it! Nice names too, i never get creative with my names anyway all in all, i would read this story!

Hey Ultraviolet

So I'm going to nit pick through this section of your story and then give some general comments.

OK, I knew I that, - This doesn't make any sense and I'm not sure what you actually meant so I'll leave you to go back and look at that.

Being polite--I mean, he hadn’t irked me yet that day--I responded - This may be a personal preference thing but I find these little asides and interjections by Meg to be kind of annoying and distracting. I don't like it when the main character is made to talk to the reader. I think that it breaks the fourth wall and kind of ruins the illusion of the story. For me, as a reader, I can't get into the story very well because your main character keeps talking to me and reminding me that this is a story. Again though this might just be my personal preference but it is worth thinking about.

Caden crouched down and took something from the Wal-Mart bag; the name book. - This may be another personal preference thing but naming big brand places like Wal-Mart in a fantasy novel tends to break the illusion of the story because it is an everyday thing we have in our lives. It would probably be ok in a normal fiction story but here I feel like it keeps pulling me out of the story.

“No one knows exactly what happens down there, but legend has it that there is a water nymph named Keren that lives there, and she paints your name onto you. The only fact is when you come out, you have your name written somewhere on you.” - It is very difficult to write exposition into stories through dialogue, most of the time it fails. I think that it isn't completely working in your story either. It's not just in this section but in the last one as well, you are dropping huge amounts of information on the reader at once and not putting much character into it. So it makes the dialogue feel kind of stale and unnatural but also overwhelms the reader somewhat. One thing you could do to avoid this is to try and work in more of the character's personality into the dialogue or try and work in the exposition more subtly. It's always difficult to get the exposition in there but sometimes at the moment it just feels like I, as a reader, am being lectured about this other world. (Although if you want that lectured feel then that's your call of course)

And without further ado - I always find it best to keep away from cliched phrases like this when I am writing description. You can get away with cliched sayings in dialogue because people do speak in clichés a lot but in description it mostly doesn't work well but it will also force you to think of better more imaginative ways to write something.

Characters - Even though we are four parts into the novel I still don't feel like I know any of the characters well enough. I think we need to spend a little more time with Meg before all of this crazy fantasy stuff starts to happen. I also think that you need to work on Meg a little more. For me at the moment she isnt very likeable. She just seems kind of bratty and irritating. I think there is a way for her to be stubborn and independent without having her be quite as unlike-able. So I think you need to go back and revisit her character. I also think it would be good if the reader got more of an idea of how these dreams affect her physically and mentally. There is a little bit here but not enough.

Pacing - I think your pacing is too fast. I mean the mysterious guys were introduced too early I think and it seemed like you just wanted to get to the exciting part where everything was revealed to her. The reader needs time to get to know Meg before all this stuff happens to her. They need time to get into her head and care about the character. You don't need excessive amounts of time to do this but just a little bit longer would be good.

Dialogue - Your dialogue is ok but at some points it is quite unnatural and isn't working well. You need to think that not every person speaks the same. We all have different rhythms in the way that we talk and we all have different things that we reference. I also think you would benefit from reading your dialogue out loud and seeing whether it sounds natural or not. Also as I said above, try not to use your dialogue too much for info dumps. Yes you can give your characters information about the story to say but try and do it in an interesting, character appropriate way.

Description - Your description was pretty good. I got a sense of where the spaces where and what they looked like without you having to tell me too much. Like I said above, the only thing I don't really like is when the main character talks to the reader. It just kind of pulls me out of the story world and I read to become immersed in these other worlds, especially when it comes to fantasy. The whole point of fantasy for me is to be immersed into another world. I also think that you need to be careful about how many times you repeat that she thinks she is in a dream. It gets a bit tiring after a while and becomes something that you beat the reader of the head with every few paragraphs.

Overall - I think that this needs reworking a little bit. Everything happens all a bit too fast, like I said we need time to get into this world and get to know the character. I think you need to be very careful with cliches because you are falling into nearly every cliche there is in the fantasy genre. A young girl/boy who has some sort of power who is part of this prophecy to save a world. They live a normal life until some mysterious person or persons come to tell them about who they really are. It's so easy to fall into these lines of stories and if you are going to continue along these lines you need to think of something original that sets you apart from all the other bajillion fantasy novels out there that are exactly like this.

I hope that helped! PM me if you have any questions

Bex x

Heya Violet
Here to review, believe it or not...

Okay, I knew I that, because of my dreams, I could be gullible, but really, that was just too much.

This sentence had way to many commas, in my opinion. Maybe you could turn it into two sentences or something? Just to make it less commaish... Plus, it would look more 'professional' if yu wrote Okay, not OK.

I started rocking back and forth a little, and nearly fell over and off my rock, into the river shore.

You don't need the second comma here.

He was never going to get it, was he?

Changed tenses here.

Caden crouched down and took something from the Wal-Mart bag; the name book.

“In Aislin Jihan,” said Caden. “names are everything. You’re name somehow defines you. It can tell about how you look, act, think, even what you are.”

The part I highlighted in red was phrased kind of awkwardly. Maybe something like, 'It can reveal how you look, act, think, even what you are.' Somthing like that would sound better.

“Everyone in Aislin Jihan,” he started. “is sent to the Pool of Avel, where their parents drop them into the waters.”

You don't need the second comma in this.

The only fact is that when you come out, you have your name written somewhere on you.”

“I mean, I’m through hearing your explanations. None of this is real, and it’s getting real old, real fast.”

You don't need the second comma here.

And without further ado, I grabbed my backpack, and ran atop the rocks and through the park.

Don't need this comma either.

When I reached my house, I ditched my bike on the front lawn[color=#FF0000], and rushed upstairs.[/color]
Another misplaced comma...

Despite my demands, sleep came not.

Sleep come not...? It sounds kind of weird. I've never heard anyone say that before.

I collapsed back down onto my bed, and pressed my pillow over my head, in hopes of barricading Caden out.

Comma...

“Fine! Whatever gets you off my back.” I threw my head off the pillow and sat up.

“Simple.” he replied casually. “I didn’t come from a dream.”

Nice finishing line.


Overall

I'm still very much liking this! I don't think that this was my favourite part, but I still seriously enjoyed reading it. Like I've mentioned before, your characters are really entertaining and fun to read about. You've kept their personalities the same but still interesting. My only negative thing about that is that Meg's kind of starting to bug me... Anyway, I really like the feeling of this story as well, so far. I don't really know why... I guess I'm just weird. The idea itself is still great and very original, well done for that. As for your grammar, you have a few problems with commas, but that's fine. Your spelling was perfect and eighty percent of your grammar was too!

My main critique is your comma usage. I bet you didn't see that one coming. I didn't actually notice this in the other parts of this story, maybe you've only just begun doing it now. Unless you have been doing it for a long time and I've simply forgotten... Ah well, I'll mention it anyway. What I noticed was the fact that you have a tendency to overuse commas. You put them in places where they aren't really needed. Don't worry though, I do exactly the same. I've commented on the areas where I thought that you put commas where they shouldn't have been. As for the problem itself, don't worry about it. Loads and loads of writers have problems with placing commas in the right places. The best way to improve on this is to simply keep writing. There might be a good thread here on YWS about comma usage actually, maybe you could take a look at one if you feel a bit unsure on how and when to use them.

My only other real critique is a bit of an opinion thing, really. I'm not sure if it's just me but I think that this is moving kind of quickly. Like beck said, we don't really know Meg. I understand that she has realistic dreams and a little sister, but that's about it. I would like to get to know a bit more about her before all of the action kicks in. I don't want you to literally dedicate a chapter about Meg's childhood memories, that would just be weird. I think that you should go back and include the odd little bit of information here and there about her. What I mean is that I think you should include a small chapter, or a few lines, about Meg now and then in the first parts of this. Simply so that us readers can feel more connected to her. Do you get what I mean?

My last negative comment on this is about Meg herself. At the beginning, she seemed like a really cool character. I'm slowly starting to get a bit annoyed with her. To put it bluntly, she's beginning to feel like a bit of a whiny, selfish brat. I'm not saying that you should change her character completely. In fact, there are some elements about her that I really do like. I just think that you could tone her down a bit. I understand that she's your MC, therefore she does have to stand out a bit. I don't really think that she needs to stand out as much as she does right now though. Meg was a nicer character to read about in the first few parts of this, she didn't seem anywhere near as annoying as she does now. Sorry if I'm sounding a bit harsh here, I'm trying not to be! Do you understand what I'm saying though? Just make Meg a little more likeable for us readers, she s the MC after all.

What I like best about this was some of your descriptions. Like beck said, I could see the images in my head. That is always a good sign! I also had a pretty good idea of where your characters where and what they were doing. That is something I've noticed about your writing actually; you are very good at describing scenes. I don't believe I've mentioned that before. Ah well, I am now! You also didn't include annoying clumps of pointless descriptions, that's what I like best. It really does bug me when a writer has a horrible, huge clump of description in the middle of their story. It's like... why? It only annoyes the reader. Thankfully, you haven't done this! Instead, you've included little sprinkles of description here and there. Bravo!

Keep writing and good luck with this!

xoxo Rhian Haha... I actually used my name. Woop. You should feel honoured.

Hey, thanks for the review! You're right, commas are my downfall. I'll work on that. And everything else you pointed out. Anyways, thanks for the comments. I'm still practicing when it comes to getting my writing done in the way it should. Then again, is writing ever perfect? Either way you guys help a lot. Thanks!