Slave Screams

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Watch as blood drips from every pore
Poor bastard doesn’t know what’s in store


The car’s speakers struggled as the music forced itself through. Damon barely noticed the booming bass and the overpowering vocals. His lips were caught in an endless smirk. His foot pressed on the gas pedal, causing the engine to roar with excitement. The Porsche sped around a wide turn and almost lost its grip with the dirt road. Damon didn’t care though; he was running on a high. A high known to many men. Men who had to suffer and fight for it. Freedom. Damon had longed for it since he was a mere child.

Face rots and is lost from disease
Cast the blame on society’s fleas


I’m going to show that prick a thing or two.
Damon rolled down the window; the air that rushed in just added to the noise. Stupid old man, let’s see what happens to his empire now. Damon’s heart began to leap in his chest as he dragged around another turn. Can’t hold me down any more, can you? He chuckled to himself. He was overcome with happiness and power.

Dry and hollow, begging for more
Just one bite and you are their whore


Damon slammed on the brakes, the car slid across the dirt and it’s tail swerved to the side. Bury the man. Bury the memories. Damon stepped out of the car, music still pounding. He took the Zippo out of his pocket and tossed it between hands. “First thing you ever gave me. First thing to go.” He growled, pulling out a small container of kerosene from the back seat. He sprayed it lazily on the seats, through the open windows. He tossed the empty bottle into the car, followed by the lit lighter. Dare he admit he felt almost giddy on the inside.

Forget your name, your problems, your grace
This sickness doesn’t release its embrace


Damon watched the blaze for a moment before he began walking down the secluded country road. He felt triumphant. This was the beginning of the end. Now that his father was dead and his life’s work (business, estate, money, and whatever else you can judge a man by) had been handed over to Damon – oh, how ecstatic he had been, even made a few wise cracks at the man’s funeral – and he had plans. Revenge for the torture he was put through as a child and even as an adult. The poor boy was driven mad from the pressure his father put on him. The education in business, forced. The marriage to some woman he barely knew (let alone loved), forced. Working directly under his father, forced. Now, everything was forced on him. This time though, he was going to play it his way.

Become one of greed or gluttony’s sons
Since we are the chosen ones


He pulled out his cell phone, “Dial, James.” He bit on his lower lip with impatience. A moment later it began to ring and then was answered with a formal greeting. “Hey, can you pick me up. I am … well … somewhere.” Damon’s driver gave a polite but confused response. “The 911? It … burned out …” He suppressed a chuckle. “How about, you just keep heading west of Borden, and I will head east. I am sure things will work themselves out.” He was sure.

The trials will come once mo-
Last edited by carden on Thu May 13, 2010 7:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Hello! I shall review for you today, because I'm that awesome!

carden wrote:Watch as blood drips from every pore
Poor bastard doesn’t know what’s in store
My extensive education in English Literature..well okay not very extensive, anyway it leads me to believe that this second line about the 'Poor bastard' perhaps foreshadows what will happen to your MC Damon.

carden wrote:I’m going to show that prick a thing or two
I am not entirely sure, and I may be wrong, however, I do believe that thoughts should be italicized. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

carden wrote:Face rots and is lost from disease
Cast the blame on society’s fleas
More foreshadowing through the song? Damon's fate? Because of the way society tainted his life?

carden wrote:Forget your name, your problems, your grace
This sickness doesn’t release its embrace
Wait, so the car was burning and the stereo was playing at the same time? Confused.

carden wrote:The 911?
---> He burned a 911?! I wouldn't have minded it if he just gave it to me, if he didn't want it. What a waste. What a shame. Tsk.

Plot

Good. A young? rich man finally gaining freedom, he also has a lot of money and he has escaped his oppressive father and is now on his way to freedom. However, according to your foreshadowing, things are about to turn ugly. Hehe, and twisted. And exciting. Seems original!

Damon

A spoilt brat. No one kept him under his father's wing all this time. At any time, he could've left. Yes, he would've had no money to spend, and he would have to work to earn his keep, but he would have had this freedom that he so desired. His dad gave him a porsche! And he burned it! I'm sorry, I feel very strongly about this. Apart from that, if he didn't like the way his dad treated him, he didn't have to put up with it, the moment he turned 18 he could've packed his things and left. He also comes off as cruel, as he doesn't care that his father died. Perhaps, that's how you want to portray him, though. Remember, however, that normally we should be able to sympathize if not even empathize in some cases with your MC.

Conclusion

You should keep on writing it. It will be exciting, and fun to read! It seems to be an original idea, so just keep on writing it. And PM me when you post more, please, so that I can give it a review.




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Kekeke, yes I'm reviewing. >:3

Okay, Cons! :(
Couple grammar and punctuation mistakes. Proofread, woman! You know me and grammar, though, so it isn't a big deal.
His foot pressed on the gas pedal, causing the engine to roar with excitement.

This seems awkward :/ It may be more effective if you took out the word "causing". Maybe, "His foot pressed on the gas pedal; the engine roared with excitement." Just seems to fit the atmosphere better.
This was the beginning of the end.

Cliche. It's not bad, but it's still a cliche. Try for something more original?

Pros! :)
Flowed nicely, some interesting foreshadowing in the lyrics. Added a nice touch :)
Your character was outlined well. If this were ever longer, you might want to give some more info about him appearance/aura wise.
Description about his driving was fun ^.^ Yay, fast cars ftw!
The ending was cool. Cliffhanger end, you could totally keep going with this.

Woot, keep it up!
~ Come to the dark side. We have cookies! ~
~ Ha, we're the dark side. Why are you surprised we lied about the cookies? ~




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Thank you for the reviews. :)

Thoughts are now italicized.

Haha, yes, sacrificing the 911 was a hardcall. XD



There is only one success: to be able to spend your life in your own way, and not to give others absurd maddening claims upon it.
— Christopher Darlington Morley