Melvin Harvey does the unexpected

Melvin Harvey

Melvin Harvey sat behind the pearly maple desk neatly decorated with paperweights, and pictures of his wife and three children. The sun coming through the big scrubbed windows made his shadow seem much more demeaning on the floor than Melvin actually did. Melvin sat in an oval shaped room; in front of him was an arrangement of very expensive furniture including several couches and plush chairs.
There came a knock at the oaken doors at the back of the room. Melvin gave the two guards that were situated on either side a nod to let them know it was okay to open the doors.
A tall, neatly dressed man entered the room. He was probably in his late forties, early fifties at the most. There was an excited bounce to this mans step that made him appear excited or happy, but his face showed quite the contrary. Nervously Melvin pushed his wire-rimmed glasses up his nose farther. The man ran his hands through his balding head before extending it towards Melvin.
“It is good to meet you, Mr. President,” the man said with a heavy Russian accent showing through, “I am sorry this is on such short notice, but as you know this couldn’t be delayed.”
“Of course,” Melvin responded.
“Now, down to business.” The Russian man continued, “We are moving the community printer to the west corner of the building.”
“What?” asked the confused Melvin.
The Russian sneered “Would you like to share something with us, Mr. Harvey?”
“But I thought we were meeting today in order to combine our troops forces! Not about moving a printer!” Melvin asked confusedly.
Suddenly Melvin started shaking uncontrollably, his head rolling from side to side. The Russian man started to back away from him, panicked and ran to the doors. The Oval room that Melvin had been facing faded from his sight and was replaced by several concerned looking faces.
“Harvey!” Melvin’s grouchy boss said in the annoying way that he usually did, making “Harvey” sound more like “Hare-Vay”. “Have you been sleeping with you’re eyes open again?”
“Uh, no sir I wasn’t sleeping,” Melvin stuttered, “I was simply confused that we’re moving the new printer because uh….” He gave up and trailed off.
The boss looked exasperated, “Harvey,” he said as if speaking to a dim child, “you can’t taste the difference, that’s the point.”
“Oh, sorry” Melvin apologized. But Melvin wasn’t really sorry. It was Melvin’s 6th year of working here, and he was sick of the endless days under florescent lighting and paperwork, sick of his job and his unbearable boss. What he wouldn’t give for a better job, but Melvin could never bring himself to do it, and the severa
“Melvin,” His bosses nasally voice pressed, “this isn’t the first time we’ve had you sleeping on the job.” And it wasn’t, Melvin had to give him that. But Melvin was tired, and he was working sometimes 10-hour days for this place. In the background Melvin could hear his boss reprimanding him about sleeping on the job again, but he wasn’t paying attention. It wasn’t like it was the first time he had heard this.
Sometimes Melvin wondered why he still even bothered working here. It was obvious to Melvin that he did not want this job forever. Melvin hated his job – it was exhausting, boring and his boss would not ever give him a break. Melvin had taken this job in the middle of college when he needed the money, some six or seven years ago. Melvin had always dreamt of being somebody important, maybe a CEO of a huge company, even the president of the United States.
“Melvin!” His boss waved the notes he was holding in Melvin’s face. Melvin flinched back, “Wow Melvin, cat got your tongue?” some of his coworkers snickered from behind him.
“Now, I will ask you one last time, did you collect the reports from last week?” asked his boss, smirking.
“Uhm no, not quite all of them,” Melvin responded, trying to keep his composure.
“Well, I expect that you get those done quickly before I become irritated, do you understand?” But Melvin had stopped listening. The room seemed small, cramped even though it was quite a large space. Melvin needed to move, to go somewhere, do something.
Before Melvin really understood what he was doing he was at the door, putting on his hat and coat to shield against the cold winter air. And as the door swung shut Melvin could dimly hear his boss yelling threats or accusations of some sort at him. Melvin didn’t know what he was going to do next. He didn’t know how he was going to pay the bills or feed himself but Melvin didn’t care, he was free.

Hello Skicrazyallday,

I really enjoyed this, it was a quirky little piece and I didn't see the twist coming which was great! There were a couple of little things I noticed:

What he wouldn’t give for a better job, but Melvin could never bring himself to do it, and the severa

You didn't finish the sentence here, you stopped halfway through a word. If you were intending for his bosses voice to pull him out of his thoughts then an ellipsis would work well here.

“Well, I expect that you get those done quickly before I become irritated, do you understand?”

This doesn't really sound like someone is saying this. If you read it, would you ever actually say this? Try changing become to get and even just with that little change it sounds more natural.

Other than this a very well done to you! I loved your description of the office I could really picture it. And the twist was very good and unexpected, it surprised me which kept my interest.

So well done!
Keep Writing,
~Lydia

I really enjoyed this, I mean who hasn't daydreamed in school or at work about being somewhere else, being someone different and important? You have some really good descriptions and phrases in there, but I agree with Lydia's points and I was confused on some of the wording.

“Harvey,” he said as if speaking to a dim child, “you can’t taste the difference, that’s the point.”

Is that supposed to be "taste" or "see"? If it's "taste" I don't understand the meaning of it, "see" makes much more sense in that context.

Other than that, just work on how you place you're descriptive sentences and how you word them. They are really good, but they could be even better if you use them more effectively.

Overall it was fun to read and I could definitely relate to Mr. Harvey. Good job!

Hey Ski!!
I'll review your story today.

Well, first of all it was nice to read since it was different, I expected something else but it was, as the title says, unexpected. I liked it, it has that humorist touch to it and the little twist you gave to it that makes it interesting to read.But there are still some things that can be fixed. So...

1. Your first paragraph is not that interesting and it didn't catch my attention that much, you seemed to have rushed through it. You have to remember that you have to interest the reader ever since the first sentence, not to mention what a reader might think of a piece ever since the first paragraph. But your first paragraph doesn't tell us much, at all. Try to make it more interesting, instead of just describing the shadow, try to describe Melvin.

2. You described the Russian man way better than how you described Melvin. The transition from the first paragraph to the second and the third seems too rushed, so we get nothing at all from it.

3. Your sentence structure is awkward and not only awkward but it starts to get boring when you start them with Melvin all the time. Check you last paragraphs and you'll see how many times a sentence starts with Melvin. To be honest, that bores the reader, because we want to keep reading and be intrigued, we want to keep that feeling of finding something unexpected in every sentences. But when the sentences start in the same way over and over, it gets boring.

4.Your character, Melvin, seems flat. We need to know more about him, way more about him and the parts where you told us something about him, you threw at us and that's not how it's supposed to be. You're supposed to show us, not tell us. You have to give us reactions, emotions, feelings, habits, things in which we could relate to him. So, you need more character development.

5. Your dialogue gets awkward sometimes and rather confusing. Something very interesting about dialogues is that they are a way of developing your character. Unfortunately this wasn't the case, the dialogue seemed a bit flat and lacking of description and mannerism (body and facial expressions)

6. Nitpicks!

There came a knock at the oaken doors at the back of the room. Melvin gave the two guards that were situated on either side a nod to let them know it was okay to open the doors.

So, my basic problem with this part is that it feels rushed, I mean everything is going too fast and that's not ok, not even the character is well described and now we jump to something else.

Suddenly Melvin started shaking uncontrollably, his head rolling from side to side. The Russian man started to back away from him, panicked and ran to the doors. The Oval room that Melvin had been facing faded from his sight and was replaced by several concerned looking faces

.
My problem here is that this makes no sense at all. so first of all, Melvin's reaction needs more description to make it look a little believable. Second, the part of the Russian man seems flat and random. To be honest, this whole part seems random.Third, the last sentence came out of nowhere, its confusing, how did everything happen?

Sometimes Melvin wondered why he still even bothered working here. It was obvious to Melvin that he did not want this job forever. Melvin hated his job – it was exhausting, boring and his boss would not ever give him a break. Melvin had taken this job in the middle of college when he needed the money, some six or seven years ago. Melvin had always dreamt of being somebody important, maybe a CEO of a huge company, even the president of the United States.

So look here, how many times does Melvin name appear?5. How many times does it appear as a subject or beginning of a sentence?3. You have to watch out for this, it's way to many Melvin's in one paragraph. This makes the paragraph seem flat and with nothing interesting to tell us. Try changing your sentence structure.

And as the door swung shut Melvin could dimly hear his boss yelling threats or accusations of some sort at him

You have to place a comma between shut and Melvin.


Overall
So, the story has potential and it has a humorist sense to it that attracts the reader and makes him continue reading for it is really interesting. But you have to give us more of it, something more substantial about the story and less random as it happens in many parts where you tell us things that are way off or don't help the story that much.

So that's all and I hope I helped.
XOXO
Pudin