The Old Woman and the Werewolf (1 of 2)

Hiya!

Cons first
Awkward sentence structure. Try reading it out loud.
Backstory in the beginning ruins it all. There's no mystery anymore and it diffuses the suspense. You basically know who he's running from, and why. Try to spread it out or not be so revealing.
You talked about a window for three paragraphs.
You described a kitchen. We all know what one looks like. Unless there's something important in the kitchen that the reader should know about, any mention of stoves or fridges is redundant.
Your dialogue is slightly unbelievable. If you listen to a regular conversation, no one talks in full sentences. There's also too much unrelated dialogue.

Pros!
Grammar, a couple mistakes, but overall very good.
Descriptions of actions while people were talking were done well.
No overuse or repetition of adjectives.
Nice diction.

Keep it up!

Hey!

The beginning's a mishmash. Dance, circle, tread toes, always speaking of one but in the end not. It's choppy, consider rephrasing. The sky's blue, it's azure, it's a bit aquamarine, I entered the house - the sky's deffinitely only azure - that being a summary.

Pain reeks of a passing and unimportant to the Great MC tiny problem (in beginning). It changed after the screaming comment, which I admit I adored (and then later on became non-existant). But before? Awful. And what's before is respresentative. It's the beginning of a story that decided whether or nto someone will ocntinue reading. It's ten times worse that what's down below (because of passing/unimportant=Mary-Sure).

Alright. Old Woman. I get that Old Women can have attitude, that they wack about ne'er-do-well's with their purses and emerge from battle victorious an none worse for wear (imagien not giving a seat to a sweet-looking elderly lady on a bus... quelle horreur). Was saying: I understand that, but goodness, she just Looked at him? And he's only surprised?

Her reaction is unreal, unbeliebable, forced and you have to change it. I mean, didn't even detect surprise (on her part - his, we get it stated that he is). Didn't detect any emotion and it can't be like that. Please, please change this. She has a gun - wonderful. Fantastic. Looks appraisingly? Not so. (guns are heavy, aren't they?)

Someone broke into her house n teh middle of the night, she brought a gun and all she does ayt first is look like that? Is it possible? I mean, give her character; The Look, keep it, fine, but maybe show us something that betrays some inner emotion? Hmm? Doesn't have to be fear (although that'd be a normal reaction, but she's not normal if she knwos abotu weres) - so maybe anger? Maybe she strives not to show it? Yes? Collected. Show us sthing via features, oh, I don't know. Make her breathe, not just look in that very intro. Stuffed with plush dead animals with glass eyeballs can look, too.

Maybe she's expressionless. Mention it. Dearl Lord, do anything at this point. (and then go expressionelss theme).

She knows what he is ("Fluffy" - superb), fine, but she still has to have in her more than a look. Gun, awsome, I;ve said that. I know she knows. But focus a bit more on her on that ver intro, I think. She's important. She hasn't yet started to sprout witticisms - but she's there, and she can't be made of paper on the hello-stage.

I didn't laugh at the baby powder? Was I supposed to?

My reaction to his reaction at her reaction (calling him 'were'): eh. Truly, eh. (later, he's 'surprised': hardly enough). "this woman was confusing him a great deal" - would be okay if MC were a 7 year old child. He's not. His thoughts aroudn this matter - horrid. Wait, I need to write something else now, we'll get back tot his.

Alright, he doesn't strike (hadn't struck?) me as a person who'd say 'shut up' to an old lady. No matter who she was. Yeah yeah he ripped the - ripped the door of the counter? Yeah? you know what? That little sentence hides among the text just as this nastier side of a character hides, too. I'm getting Nice Guy vibes (cutting these two episodes till this point, the door which I almost missed) somehow, not Violent Jerk, or even Violent But Symathetic. Deff Nice Guy wronged by others. Victim to others' battles.

He ripped th edoor of. How - melodramatic. Then he shrinks: pauses and frowns and nods slowly. Then there's a killing threat? then he apologized for breaking in? The he sighes? What? What? I'm confused. This isn't even a complicated character, dynamic and whatnot - it's a confused in the head one which I dont' appreciate. Choose one or the other, show hints of the opposite side. So, say, if he's Jerk, show remorse? If he's Nice, darker side for which he's sorry? One should be dominant, I think.

Don't put them on equal footing. The result is in the post; it's disastrous.

Reaction Edit: This was the worst part of the story. Every explanation/conclusoion of the MC's was shovelled down my throat. Connect the dots, hsi thought process - and it's not painted but spelled out. He was surpirsed; that's stated. If it weren't, I'd nti know at first (exaggeration, sure). 'this owman was ocnfusing hgim a great deal' - again! That's basically the tone of voice his thoughts are conveyed when regarding to the old lady's knowledge. I think this should be edited.

Be more subtle is what I'm saying. Use different words - describe what you stated. Let the reader draw ocnclusions ofr herself from the text a bit and let the reader not feel like a 7 year old.

Old Lady/Terry conversation (going a crooked path, I don't think I liekd how long his name was withheld - sure, well-given as it is this way, but did it really have to be so long?) - I'm thinking that if you decide to edit this (and you shall), that conversation has to be cut a bit shorter. Sure, it's fun to read, the banyter's nice, but it's too long - does it's lentgh justify what it conveys, passes on, characterized? All that can be done with fewer words. This is a short story. Right now I have the odd feeling that it's being dragged out a bit, tail leaving a trail in the sand.

Completing a circle, why the lengthly kitchen description I wanted to skim over (and I think I did, in fact). Does it characterize the old lady? No. A stove, sure, a fridge. I'd figure those constitute fairly common sightings in a kitchen. Wilted dandellion was fun. Ok. But existence of this useless parag is unjustified.

'half-lupine', though, opens questions. It's an empty phrase. What do I know how he looks like? I have nothing to hold on to. And being that weres are an important aspect of the story, I think I'd like more. Instead I get a kitchen descirption. Go figure.

Why not hospital-option is good, good, good, won't say I've been wondering, but if I were smarter, I would. And there are smart people out there. So good you mentioned it. I think the whole break-into-crime should be more emphasized, thouhg, at the beginning. Although this you'd have to sync with Jerk/Nice.

That said, I love Old Lady - superb character apartf rom intro. Terry has problems. William I don't care about - don't care about that part of the story ata ll. Forgot all about ti, in fact. Remember the dragged ocnversation comment? Apply. "might have remembered" - vague comment to his identity (yeah, I get it: Terry) and outside-of-house world, read: Wiliam and the Squirrels. Werewolves. Thing is, that was so long ago... In the interval, we get it that someone (amny) would want to kill him. OK. But a William was named, and the about William we forgot. This William - he needs to be intorduced to be forsaken?

His shadow doesn't loom over Terry while he;s threatened by OId Lady.

Gahh I love Jean. I'd like to steal her and make her my own. And how many times can one repeat the phrase "patch up" in not so long a piece? It's a ncie phrase, but it's full of glory rays are blidning me.


Fun read, kill the kitchen episode and feel no remorse, Jean is wonderful,
Esme

Okay, well, since you've had two very long and nicely detailed reviews, I'm going to go for something a little shorter and less...descriptive

I thought the story itself was good. I like the dialogue flow between your characters, it seems real and - however strange to say - something that could happen in reality (you know, if werewolves and all actually existed... which I really wish would )

Anyways, your story is easy to follow, to get involved with, so kudos there! And I can't wait to read the rest ... which I'm about to do now.

In other words: good job, and so long

Heya!

I liked this. The genre-savvy grandma alone made this a great read.

Other werewolves would know what had transpired, and they would hunt him down for his transgression.

I'm a little confused as to why Terry is still worried about this. It seems like he's already being hunted down, so why would he be concerned about more folks after him? It seems like his immediate personal safety would be supreme in his mind, so wouldn't he try to get rid of any and all threats to himself?

Terry strikes me very much as a nice guy. Therefore, I'm not feeling threatened by him. I'm not feeling really any sort of real conflict in him in terms of whether or not he should kill Jean. It seems really obvious from the beginning that he's not going to hurt her, mostly from the apologetic tone he has the whole time. He seems to appreciate the quietness of the kitchen (or at least takes the time to observe it). He doesn't immediately strike down the old lady or try to threaten her, just asks her to leave him alone. He doesn't seem like a threatening person at all and so we don't expect him to do anything that is threatening. Is this your intention?

Jean felt a little stiff. It was mostly her dialogue. It felt rather unrealistic. I know she's an older character and so she can't talk like a twenty-something, but she seems rather long-winded and artificial sometimes. It got a little grating after a bit.

I'd love to see a little more background in the beginning actually. As is, the only characterization for Terry is what we've seen with the the old lady, so we can't tell for sure just how he got all ripped up. It seems like he is too nice a guy to go around picking fights and if the code is so strict, it seems like he's a nice enough guy that he might even be considered "weak" and isn't there a rule against attacking the weaker one? There's something mentioned about him intruding on someone else's territory. So what prompted that? What exactly got him into this situation? I assume you'll tell us more in the second part, but for purposes of characterization, a little more insight into his motivations early one would be nice. It would just help us get into his head a little more and have a handle on who he is.

There are quite a few instances of "patch up" being used. A few too many, methinks. It seems to pop up every few sentences, to the point of being quite conspicuous and almost annoying. Some different phrases would be nice.

I like the interaction between the two characters and want to see more. I look forward to seeing where they came from and where they are going. And yes, the shotgun-toting granny is pretty awesomesauce.

Moving on to part two...

~GryphonFledgling