Of Sanity And Sliverware

Just outside the Commons' dining room window, a soupy fog danced. Ghosts were manifesting out of the dense mist. Milk white was the color of the fists that emerged from the vapor ocean and slid along the length of the window's glass. Inside the dining room all the lights were dimmed. Each member of the Common family sat in their traditional seat at the long wooden table. Chris, the head of the household, sat at the far end of the table. His wife, Jane, sat in the middle and next to her their daughter, Jen. Across from them sat Harvey, the youngest of the Common family. On the other end,opposite of Chris, sat the eldest son Don. All of them were feasting on their meal of chicken, mashed potatoes, corn, and boiled carrots in complete silence. Don was annoyed. He would glance up every so often and gaze disgustedly at the rest of his family, shaking his head. On occasions he would let out over exaggerated sighs. Finally, he took both his fork and knife and dropped them onto his plate.
"Tick tick tick! Clank clank clunk!" Don yelled. "That's all that is to be heard at the Common's table. I can't comprehend your Morse Code. I am taken to the very cliff of my sanity from this awful stillness. Do none of you have a word to speak? Have you got your tongues hacked out of your mouth? Cat got your tongue? How about you, beloved family, tell me of your former self or of the present day you. Say something about the future of the war we're in or or the horrible state of our economy and how it will effect our generation's life. Talk about what challenges you have taken on at work or what you have studied in school. Say something before I am driven mad by by mere dining utensils!"
The rest of the family was unmoved by all his talk about sanity. After a brief pause, the family began eating in the same quiet fashion as before.
"Oh wow," Harvey exclaimed, "It's pretty foggy outside."
Chris looked out the window, then back to Harvey, "It is, isn't it."
"Ah the fog!" cried Don, "Oh dense haze, swaying, whirling vapor. We might as well open up the window and let the fog pour in. For even though we sit so close to each other, I can barley make any of your significant features. We, forced to live in the same household, know nothing of one another. Please, say something of value, of worth." Underneath the table, Don notices his sister Jen texting on her phone. "And oh, this one. Her face, hidden, behind a tall mirror." Don brushes his hand against her face
Jen spent most of her time on her "Me." A "Me" is a website where you can create your own profile and gather friends. You play games, send messages, send instant messages, invite people to events, poke people, tell people how your feeling, let everyone know about you, bug strangers. Jen would bask in joy with her gallery of friend. Out of the 571 friends that Jen acquired she actually spoke to 47 of them.
His family was yet again unmoved by his speech. Tonight would be another silent dinner.
Bang Bang Bang! Bang Bang Bang Bang! Bang Bang Bang!
Chris dropped the napkin that he had just wiped his face with and walked over to the door. He opened the door to reveal a chubby man in a nice black suit. On the left corner of his jacket he had the same emblem Chris had on his; a golden triangle with an eye in the center. Most of the outsider's hair was missing and what was left made a half circle around his head. In his left arm a manila folder was strapped to his chest by his hand. Our shaking guest seemed frantic about something or another. Chris and the stranger exchanged a few whispers. The rest of the Commons watched in wonder. Chris then ushered the gentleman into an empty room, where they could discuss things in private.
"Good idea," chuckled Don, "There father goes conspiring with some old pals. What a lovely dinner we're having."
"Stop that this instant," Jane said harshly.
A moment or so later Chris and his nervous companion emerged from the seclusion of the room. They both strolled over to the door and started putting on their coats and shoes. "I'll be back later honey," Chris said. The mysterious party crasher began to head out the door. Chris popped the collar of his coat up which cast a dark shadow over his face.
"Goodbye dad-e-o!" Don cried happily, "Have fun silencing conspirators, corrupting the innocent, planning doomsday or whatever silly things your about to do."
"Don!" Jane shouted.
Chris and the akward knocker went out into the night, with their hands stuffed in their pockets.
* * *
"Hey dad," Harvey whispered, "Can I come to church today."
Chris only glanced. He opened his mouth. No words came. Chris turned away from his son. The rest of the Common's were in the car ready to head off to church. All dressed in black formal wear they waited for the driver. Chris put on his coat and walked out the door. At the dining room window, stood Harvey. He watched the car back out of the driveway. Then down the road. Then a left on Opress St.
* * *
At church waves of people poured in. They swarmed through the entrance and then went swiftly into their seats. The Common's found their seat next to the Brown family.
"Why hello Mrs. Brown," Jane said, "How have you been?"
"I've been great Jane, how about yourself?"
"I've been just swell. Do you have any idea what today's sermon is about?"
"Yes. Judes speaking about acceptance."
"Oh really. That sounds nice." Jane waited for the right moment. "Did you hear about what happened with Darlene's daughter?"
"You mean about her and those two boys?"
"No no. But I haven't heard that story, you'll have to fill me in. But anyways, Mrs. Thomson was about to go to bed so she decided to go into Crystal's room to say goodnight. She opens up the door and notices that no one was in her bed but sheets and pillows."
"Oh my."
"So then she stays up all night, pacing around the house, worrying about Crystal, but then she hears something coming from in her room. She busts open the door and there's Crystal laying in a pile of her own puke, crying her eyes out, smelling like alcohol."
Mrs. Brown reached in her purse for her phone. "Oh my lord."
"And I heard from Sharla, that she reeked like marijuana too."
"Drugs? That girls going down the wrong path. She's gonna end up dead one of these days."
All arise
* * *
Harvey stared out the dining room window. There was no movement. For awhile now it seemed like he was looking at a photograph until a loud Semi truck flying by brought him back to reality. Harvey hated Sundays. He hated waking up, he hated the shower he took, he hated asking the same dreadful question, and he especially hated watching his family drive away.
"There were better days," he said to himself. He closed his eyes.
April 20, 2009. Harvey's smiled while he blew out the seventeen fated candles.
"Yay!" cried all his family and friends.
Everyone gave him presents, laughed with him. All of it a blur. 10:32pm. Outside. The night is warm. The mosquitoes hummed quietly under the street lights. A soft breeze flew by every so often, gently. The moon was full. Harvey sat on the front porch of his house rotating the new phone he just received from his parents. The door opened behind him. His father put his arm on his shoulder. Sat down next to him. 'Happy birthday son. Your a man now.' Chris smiles. "How do you like your new phone."
"Oh, love it."
"Good son, I'm glad. So what did you wish for."
Harvey looked up at the stars. "Well, I wished for something strange you might think. I wished that you and mom and the rest of the family would accept me for who I am."
"What are you talking about? Your our first son. We love you. We've always accepted you."
"Yeah I know." Pause. He shifted his body. "But I've been keeping something from you. Maybe because I was scared or cause I wasn't sure. But. I'm gay dad."
Harvey shut his eyes tightly to erase the memory. Get rid of the image. Shut off the sound.
When the Common's got home, they were too late. Harvey was still at the window, eyes still, body swaying, and he would always be there to watch them turn their backs to him time and time again.
* * *
"A vein, a vein, come on where's a fucking vein," Don complained to himself. "It's not like you can run out of veins? Can you? Jesus Christ!"
If you asked Don to tell you something he had learned so far from life, he would say: "Everyone has an addiction." His happened to be heroine. He had been a user for quite some time but since his brother's untimely death he used much more often. The blood vessels in his arms, legs, chest, and any other see able place have been dug into by a needle. He had little blue blackish dots all over his body and some looked on the brink of infection. Don thought he heard something. No. Nothing. He remembered: his mother was shopping, his father at work, and his sister was on her "Me."
"Ah! There you are you sly devil." Don found an entrance.
What Don didn't know was that his father was in fact pulling into the driveway and had something to talk to Don about. He never heard the car pull in. He never heard the door open, close. He never heard the door handle turn. But what Don did in fact hear was his father yell, "What in God's name do you're think your doing."
"Feeding my addiction! You swine. You didn't even knock. Plus your addiction is power. Far worse."
Chris took all his syringes and drugs and disposed of them. With that, Don's home became his prison.
Later that night Don's girlfriend stopped in. After a short stay she got a text message and insisted she must leave.
"Oh come on baby, stay just a few more minutes," Don pleaded. " I mean I'm bored out of my skull here. Its like a fucking prison. And I got no smack."
"I'm sorry Don. I can't stay my parents need me to babysit my brothers. But I love you and I'll come visit you tomarrow."
"Alright, alright. I love you too. I might as well get some sleep anyways. It's been rather rough lately."
Don leans forward and kisses his girl goodnight. As she climbs out the window and gently walks through his back yard Don watches like a hawk.
"Oh not tonight my darling, not tonight."
Don was quick on her, he dove out the window and like a snake he slithered across his yard quickly and without a noise. Once he got through his gate he already had his moped parked and ready to go. Don slowly pulled out of his driveway watching his lover slowly roll down the street. His engine softly hummed as he gained speed and stalked behind just enough to see her taillights. It didn't take long for Don to notice that they weren't heading to her house.
"That bitch. I have caught you."
Right when Don started to lose track of where he was a motel came into sight. The deceiver pulled in.
"Oh this is when it gets messy."
He put his hand against his pistol. He stroked the steel and teased the trigger. Headlights off. Brake, brake, slow now, steady. Cut engine. He sat on his moped long enough to smoke a cigarette. The whole time his eyes were set on the target room. Don looked around to see if anyone was watching and approached the room she was parked in front of. Over his face he slid a black mask with holes for his eyes and mouth. Don then withdrew the pistol. He pushed the door open with ease and flicked on the lights. Before anything the gun was pointed at the bed. But in mere seconds both the cheater and her companion hit the floor in shock. The betrayer was naked and grabbed at the blankets to cover her. It was too late. Don took a few more steps in the room to see who the man was. On the opposite side of the bed sat a scared old man clutching the sheets over his head.
"Don't shoot me! Oh, please! I'm a wealthy man."
"Let me see your face."
Chris lay on the floor naked and before he could find his wallet the masked man ran out.
* * *
For the next few days Don didn't talk much. He sat at the table ignoring the ticking and clanking of the silverware. He sat in his room quietly and never disobeyed the grounding rules. Don would sit for hours gazing at the metal death machine. Pointing it at the door. "Boom boom." Don always disliked his father but since he blamed his brothers death on him and now this, the rage was unbearable. Something must be done. It was Sunday night. Don was a little bit drunk. "Tonight is the night," he whispered to himself. He slowly stumbled through his house. Once he reached his parents room he just stood there. Gun in one hand. Cup of whiskey in the over. The cup fell to the floor. He turned the handle as quietly as he could and pushed the door open with his pinky. Both his mother and father were dead asleep. His heart was frantic. Don took careful and light steps all the way up to his fathers side. The covers were over his head so he lifted them and slowly pulled-
Click.
"What do you think you're doing?" a strange voice said from behind.
A steel circle pressed against the back of his skull.
"How did you know? I told no one?"
"I know all Don. I watch you. I watch everyone. I know what you do, what you say, what you think. I'll always be one step ahead."
These painful and demoralizing words struck him so deep that Don began to weep.
"Oh kill me then. I knew it would turn out like this. The rebel never will get his chance never. We'll always lose to people like you. Well go ahead then and I'll let God do his justice."
My mother began to stir. She opened up her eyes. "Whats going on?"
"Go back to sleep," Chris commanded.
"So that's it then," Don said as he began to turn his head to get one last look at his father. "No one can stop the en-"

Hey, I'm Evi. ^_^ Love the title here-- that's what made me click it.

Just outside the Common's [Commons'] dining room window, a soupy thick fog danced.

Since Common is the family name, they're the Commons, and it's the plural form that's possessive. Also-- "soupy thick" is kind of redundant and makes the sentence flow less smoothly. I'd suggest you take out "thick".

His wife, Jane, sat in the middle and next to her their daughter, Jen.

Two possessive pronouns aren't necessary-- just "their".

I think the first paragraph is a bit of overkill. It's great that you set the scene about the fog and the family, and the fact that they're eating dinner, but we really don't need to know where each family member is sitting exactly, and each item on their menu. If it's not relevant and doesn't add anything to the story, don't say it, otherwise it clutters up your prose!

I can't apprehend your mores code.

Apprehend means to capture, catch, or arrest. You want the word comprehend here. And Morse Code is the correct spelling.

Pure bull I responded.

I? Typo, I'm sure-- the rest of the story is in third person, not first, so there's no narrator and no "I" is used. You also use "our" in the next paragraph-- keep your perspective consistent!

The rest of the Common's watched in wonder.

Needs to be Commons.

Chris and the obnoxious knocker went out into the night, with their hands stuffed in their pockets.

Obnoxious? How so? I get more the feeling that this knocker is awkward and anxious, but he didn't seem in any way annoying.

"Hey dad," Harvey whispered, "Can I come to church today."

Question mark (?) at the end.

Overall, I'm a little confused about this! I'm walking away without really understanding the point of what I just read. What's the theme or plot here? Family drama, obviously, but there are some hazy points.

--Don's speech is plain odd, especially at the beginning. I can't figure out whether he's sane or not (I'm leaning towards not?) but he talks like someone out of a medieval movie. I at first thought this was historical fiction, but then there's the Me page and the texting, so that's obviously not the case. Fix Don's dialogue, or explain why he talks like that.

--Loose ends such as the nervous man in the suit. You have the scene where Chris is called away from dinner by the stranger, but you never explain its significance. What did the man want? Why did they have to go in private? Basically, you leave that question unanswered and it seems kind of random since it has no influence on the rest of the story.

--Perspective and transitions seem to be off sometimes. Even in third person, it's best to filter the scene through one person's Point of View (POV), but you keep switching. Switching is okay if you have a clear transition between scenes, but your scene changes kind of bleed together along with the perspective changes, so the transitions get muddled.

--More loose ends such as the Church scene about Darlene's daughter. Where is the relevance? Why does that scene matter?

--Finally, the ending seemed so random and out of the blue. It would have made more of an impact if Don and his girlfriend had been together throughout the story, but they kind of pop in and out at the end.

So the major problem I'm having with this story is seeing a connection. The events are interesting, sure, and the ending is dramatic (I like how you cut it off with the gunshot) but I didn't feel as if the story tied together into anything cohesive. You can't just throw together the same character cast and form a story-- there has to be some recurring plot issue. If it's going to be Harvey and his heroin, talk about that the whole story. If it's going to be Don and his cheating girlfriend, talk about that. Just use one idea and make it a plot instead of these incomplete scenes.

^_^ Best of luck, and keep writing! I feel like there is possibility for some pretty cool things here, you just have to make them fit together.

~Evi

He Evi
I really enjoyed the comment, plenty of stuff to remark on. First off thanks for correcting some of my grammar. This is in fact a first draft so I know that need some help. Thanks for the comments about the title, the reason I chose it is because of each subject having nothing to do with on another but overall connects the story. Alright, from the start you say you don't really like the first paragraph but the reason I speak of the fog is because I'm trying to bring in tension object so you get that feeling once you enter the dining room. Also the reason he talks that way is just my way of being odd, adding something different. Even though it throws you off if you learn to live and accept it, it has some advantages. But maybe I'll possibly change it in the future. Now the knocker scene. The reason why this is in there is because the father figure, Chris, works represents the Government, or the controlling power. Now why does he have to keep all his meetings so secretive, behind doors? We don't know shit about our government and that was what I was trying to expose. Next is the scene at the church. Now this is an advancement in time and the reason he asks to go to church is because hes not aloud too. Why, because hes a homosexual? Right now I would say the main issue with America is the problem with gay rights, I personally believe, since the Constitution say everyone has equal right, that's gays shout have just as much rights as straight people. I was just attempting to expose how people treat and segregate the gay community. At the church she speaks to another mother about another daughter whose doing drugs. This then goes to a scene of her own son doing heroine, a horrible drug. This again is exposing the blindness and ignorance of most people. People always look elsewhere for trouble and gossip when they have so much to fix in their own home. The ending scenes are about the rebel and the government. If you go through the story and finally when you get here you hate Chris, good. The government is fucking your girlfriend. What are you going to do about it? Now I feel I should extend this part a bit but the point is Don wanted to get his revenge. He was driven to the edge, the man had gone to far, but once he went and tried to get revenge, out of pure impulse, Chris was already waiting for him. He knew. My point here is that the government is always watching and you can't go up against its forces alone. There's an old story about theses sheep that stood in a beautiful field all day and ate grass. One day a fence was built. They ignored. Then another, and another. Then finally they were surrounded, trapped, it was too late. The end of this story is a warning, we can't let government trap us, watch our every move, know where we are, who we are, and what we're going to do next. Overall I tried to expose a lot and show a lot of different aspects of American society. Thank you for reading again though!!

Very interesting! I appreciate the response and clarification.

The problem is that you're not doing your job as an author if it takes 500 extra words to explain what your piece is supposed to mean. It makes some more sense now, but writing needs to speak for itself and not require all that explanation!

It sounds like you're trying to cram a whole lot of protesting against the government (and society in general) into a single story. While it's a neat idea, and the symbolism is cool, I still think that you need to focus your thoughts a bit more narrowly. You confront all these interesting societal issues, but they feel random and disconnected, like I said. Don's unique tone of voice certainly is different, but it, too, seems out of place and is never really explained or justified.

The most important thing in my opinion is to more clearly link Chris to the government, if that's the parallel you want to draw. It makes sense once you explain it to the readers afterwards, but it needs to make sense within the story as well. I also never got the feeling that Harvey was homosexual.

Symbolism is cool, and subtlety is a great literary tool. But when your entire theme and underlying message isn't coming through, you've got to define it a bit more!

Best of luck.

~Evi

Hey!

I don't mean to be rude but this could have been much better. It was good prose and had good sentence structure but it was a tad boring. I left off when the random person came in. It sort of didn't make sense to me. First the father is speaking in some sort of Elizabethan language about how his family never talks to each other, then some guy comes in and leaves then Harvey wants to go to church. I'm just very confused and I would recommend making it a bit more interesting. PM me if you have any questions

~Jasmine Bells~

Thanks again, even if you didn't like it haha
Evi: In the story I do link Chris to the government. Its when the stranger talks and I explain what hes wearing. Check it out. Also I do refer to Harvey as a homosexual a few times in the story.

JasimeBells: Ok, well I like the fact that you gave this story a chance and did in fact leave a comment. My comment back to you is that I felt as though you should have actually tried to read the whole thing and then comment. I can see how my storys a little hard to follow but its supposed to be. To figure out things you have to read into little tad bits and read up to the end. I but I think I will take your advice on some of what you said, and make it more confusing.