Nikolina (Chapter 2)~America

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America




I couldn’t stay still on the plane. The plane that was taking me to America. The plane that would grant me my freedom, for a few months. I sit back down in one of the leather seats. They gleam a deep brown, matching my eyes. I pull out a small mirror from my bag, and assess my face. My pale, translucent skin somewhat glitters under the gross lighting. My eyes are dark, a coffee color that glimmers. My hair, pulled away from my face, is a deep, dark auburn. For once, a diamond tiara does not grace my head. They look light. It’s a weight a head has to get used to. I was glad to have it gone. I was glad to start a new life.
I held my new cell phone in my hands, an iPhone, something everyone in America had. The sleek black surface winked in the lights, making me smile. I was so excited. To be somewhere new, somewhere where my parents prying eyes. I let out a squeal of excitement.
“America.” I said out loud. My voice echoed around the empty plane. A jitter of nerves raced up my back, lifting the wisps of hair that laid on my neck.
“America. America.” I repeated. I couldn’t get my head around the sound of that word.
“Twenty minutes to landing.” My pilot, Ella, announced. I squealed again. I was going girlishly crazy. America had always seemed out of reach, and I was going there.
Contain your excitement, Nikolina, I reminded myself, it won’t do to make yourself sick with excitement.
I knew that my inner conscious was right. I would eventually make myself sick. I lean back in my seat and power up my phone. Suddenly bored, I scrolled through my ‘American’ music. New music. Artists like a Lady Gaga and Katy Perry. Music I could try to get used to. Angry guitars wailed through the little earbuds. I sighed and rolled my eyes.
“Ten minutes until landing.” Ella said. I turn to the window, bringing my knees to my chest. I could see the lights of the city below. New York City. The lights grew brighter as we got closer. I felt my heartbeat sped up as the wheels ejected.
“Three minutes.” Ella said. I rolled my eyes. Ella could get very annoying. I slipped my phone back into my bag. My breath sped up and nerves covered me. I shut my eyes. I began to imagine my new school, and my new life.
The bounce brought me back to reality. My eyes flew open and I watched as we met the runway. I slung my bag over my shoulder. MY legs trembled with the thought of getting off the plane.
“You may now disembark.” Ella’s cool voice rung out. I stood up and shook out my sweater.
“Welcome to America, Princess Nikolina.” Ella said. She was tall, with blue eyes and blonde hair.
“Thank you.” I said. I smoothed out my brown dress and stepped down the stairs.
I was greeted with the noise of yelling and car honking. There was tasteless music blaring on the street. The bright lights dazzled me.
“This way, miss.” An officer guided me down into the airport. There was a man wearing a chauffeur’s outfit waiting for me. He held a sign made of a cheap cardboard. It said my name in a black, thick line. I looked at the tiled floor of the airport, trying to keep my stomach inside. Now I was scared.
“Come with me, Princess.” He said. I eyed him, yet followed, figuring there were witnesses if I went missing.
He opens the door for me, the door of a black stretch limo. My heart is pounding again.
“Thank you.” I say. He replied in Norwegian. I replied lazily, saying I can’t wait for school. He seemed to be happy with that. I sat back and stared at the window watching the bright lights of New York City pass me by.
When life hands you a BAD ROMANCE, pick up your TELEPHONE, call ALEJANDRO and JUST DANCE!




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Hey. Good continuation with the story so far.

They gleam a deep brown, matching my eyes.

I don't like this analogy. Comparing her eyes to airplane seats? You don't need to, either, because you mention soon after that her eyes are coffee colored, which is repetitive. I would just take out the above line.

For once, a diamond tiara does not grace my head.

In modern times, royalty rarely wear tiaras or crowns. A modern princess would do so very, very rarely - only on special occasions.


They look light.

What looks light?

Contain your excitement, Nikolina, I reminded myself, it won’t do to make yourself sick with excitement.


Repetitive. Take out the last two words, just end it with "sick".

I was greeted with the noise of yelling and car honking. There was tasteless music blaring on the street. The bright lights dazzled me

What? This makes it sound like she's already in the city. She should just be at the airport right now - and Newark airport, no less. That's still a good ten minutes from the city (or something like that).

There was a man wearing a chauffeur’s outfit waiting for me. He held a sign made of a cheap cardboard. It said my name in a black, thick line.


I don't think this is what would go down for a princess - too impersonal. She would probably have some type of assistant waiting to greet her as soon as she got off the plane, saying something like "Hello, Princess Nikolina. Welcome to New York! I'm Suzie Summers, I'll be showing you around New York the next few weeks to help you get comfortable, blah blah..." You don't have to use dialogue, though, if you think it'd kill the tone - you can just say something like "Of course, there was a lady waiting to greet me the second I stepped off the plane, saying she would be the one to show me around New York." That's just my impression, of course, but I think it's more realistic. She is almost too much on her own now - this never really can happen with royalty, and at the very least not until she gets settled at school.

I sat back and stared at the window watching the bright lights of New York City pass me by.

Just again, she wouldn't be in the city yet.



Lol sorry to kind of rip this apart as I did, but overall still a good job! I hope some of this will be helpful to you.




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So, I was going back looking through all my old reviews, clicking on the links and seeing if the authors had added more. When I saw you wrote more I actually squealed "yes!" haha. :]
so now I am following your story.
Anyways, enough of my babble. On to the review:

So I like the characters (all two of them! :] haha.)
Ella is brisk and polite, very typical, but you do a good job of portraying it through her actions.
Nikolina's squeally-ness makes me laugh. I love it! :D

Attolia covered all the grammatical corrections I was going to point out.

One last thing I would suggest would be to change up the formatting a bit. Add two "Enter"s after some of these lines so there is a line between them. (if that made sense...?) In layman's terms: Put it into a few different paragraphs. It's nothing major; it just adds to the visual effect.

So that's it. This was good. I'm going to go read more!! :D
Toodles!
~emerley
My sister: I'll never forget that day... It was raining wasn't it?
Me: ...no.

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Need a review? PM me and I will take care of it. :]

**previously known as EAHailstone**



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