Killer Mask [0.01]

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“Isabelle! If you don’t get downstairs this instant, I’ll be late again!” Mom’s voice floats up the stairwell.

I stare into the broken mirror and finish putting on my makeup. I sigh heavily and trace my finger along one of the cracks in the mirror. The war that I’m waging with myself gets bigger every day.

I close my eyes for an instant and go downstairs. I lock the door behind me and face the chilly October wind. It seeps into my jacket as I climb into the front car of my mom’s car. The clock is ticking. Hurry because Mom will be late again.

“What takes you so long to get ready?” Mom asks as we turn off the immaculately sculpted street, past tall pretty houses, and miles of groomed lawns. My neighbourhood is one of the richer ones in town.

It’s the neighbourhood where everyone has to fit into the perfect shell; nice houses, job that deals with law or government, and pretty families.

“I was fixing my makeup.” I say.

“Okay. But get up earlier in the mornings. If I keep being late, I’ll be fired!” Mom complains.

If she’s fired from her quaint business job, I will be blamed. I am the blame for everything, she says.

I’m the reason she’s having job difficulties, it’s my fault that I can’t fit into a size zero, the reason why I am sinking deeper into the darkness.

The only good thing about Mom not being able to see past her own issues is the fact that she can’t see any of my troubles.

We roll through town until we stop at a tall, ochre-coloured building. A sign reads DIANE LANE HIGH SCHOOL.
Diane Lane was the first principal’s daughter. She died when she was fifteen so the principal decided to name it after her.

I slam the car door and lift my bag over my shoulder. I sigh and walk through the front doors.

School. Not much to say here. It’s repetitive and dull, especially in certain classes.

I walk to my locker and plaster on my smile. My “friend” Lily is waiting for me. I wave at her and twirl my lock until it clicks open.

“Hey.” She says. She wraps a lock of bleach-blond hair around her finger.

“Hi.” I reply, bending to reach the bottom of my locker. I push some textbooks into my bag and snap the door shut.

“Did you finish last night’s History homework?” Lily asks as we go into homeroom.

“Yes.” I say, as I sit into my seat.

“Can I copy it from you? I totally forgot mine.” She rolls her eyes as I pass her my battered textbook.

She nods a ‘thanks’ and scribbles some words onto her paper. Our teacher comes into the room a few minutes later. It doesn’t matter to her though that Lily didn’t finish homework because when she takes attendance, she doesn’t look at us so it takes her fifteen minutes.

The bell dings and we shift out of the room.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three hours later, we are freed for lunch. Damn it. I snake into the cafeteria with the hungryhungry people and get into the lunch line.

When I get to the serving window, a fat woman with leather skin piles a slice of grease pizza onto my plate. I get water with it.

I sit at a table and lift the pizza slice from the cardboard tray. Greasy residue coats the surface of the tray. It’s repulsive but I cram the cheesepeperoni mess into my mouth.

I quickly toss the tray into the garbage.

I sprint to the bathroom and lock myself into the stall furthest from the door. I stick my finger down my throat and up comes my lunch.

The puppet strings of my body snap and I can’t feel my hands. They claw down my throat, without any control from me
Last edited by RedRaven on Tue Jun 22, 2010 5:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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RedRaven wrote:“Isabelle! If you don’t get downstairs this instant, I’ll be late again!” Mom’s voice floats up the stairwell.
I stare into the broken mirror and finish putting on my makeup. I sigh heavily and trace my finger along one of the cracks in the mirror. The war that I’m waging with myself gets bigger every day.
I close my eyes for an instant and go downstairs. I lock the door behind me and face the chilly October wind. It seeps into my jacket as I climb into the front car of my mom’s car. The clock is ticking. Hurry because Mom will be late again.
“What takes you so long to get ready?” Mom asks as we turn off the immaculately sculpted street, past tall pretty houses, and miles of groomed lawns. My neighbourhood is one of the richer ones in town.
It’s the neighbourhood where everyone has to fit into the perfect shell; nice houses, job that deals with law or government, and pretty families.
“I was fixing my makeup.” I say.
“Okay. But get up earlier in the mornings. If I keep being late, I’ll be fired!” Mom complains.
If she’s fired from her quaint business job, I will be blamed. I am the blame for everything, she says.
I’m the reason she’s having job difficulties, it’s my fault that I can’t fit into a size zero, the reason why I am sinking deeper into the darkness.
The only good thing about Mom not being able to see past her own issues is the fact that she can’t see any of my troubles.
We roll through town until we stop at a tall, ochre-coloured building. A sign reads DIANE LANE HIGH SCHOOL.
Diane Lane was the first principal’s daughter. She died when she was fifteen so the principal decided to name it after her.
I slam the car door and lift my bag over my shoulder. I sigh and walk through the front doors.
School. Not much to say here. It’s repetitive and dull, especially in certain classes.
I walk to my locker and plaster on my smile. My “friend” Lily is waiting for me. I wave at her and twirl my lock until it clicks open.
“Hey.” She says. She wraps a lock of bleach-blond hair around her finger.
“Hi.” I reply, bending to reach the bottom of my locker. I push some textbooks into my bag and snap the door shut.
“Did you finish last night’s History homework?” Lily asks as we go into homeroom.
“Yes.” I say, as I sit into my seat.
“Can I copy it from you? I totally forgot mine.” She rolls her eyes as I pass her my battered textbook.
She nods a ‘thanks’ and scribbles some words onto her paper. Our teacher comes into the room a few minutes later. It doesn’t matter to her though that Lily didn’t finish homework because when she takes attendance, she doesn’t look at us so it takes her fifteen minutes.
The bell dings and we shift out of the room.

Three hours later, we are freed for lunch. Damn it. I snake into the cafeteria with the hungryhungry people and get into the lunch line.
When I get to the serving window, a fat woman with leather skin piles a slice of grease pizza onto my plate. I get water with it.
I sit at a table and lift the pizza slice from the cardboard tray. Greasy residue coats the surface of the tray. It’s repulsive but I cram the cheesepeperoni mess into my mouth.
I quickly toss the tray into the garbage.
I sprint to the bathroom and lock myself into the stall furthest from the door. I stick my finger down my throat and up comes my lunch.
The puppet strings of my body snap and I can’t feel my hands. They claw down my throat, without any control from me



This is getting better. There is a little too much tell, not enough showing. (More in the beginning) what does Lily look like? Describe the school, more too. Your prose is strong, though
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RedRaven wrote:“Isabelle! If you don’t get downstairs this instant, I’ll be late again!” Mom’s voice floats up the stairwell. Judging by the explanation point and what she's saying I think 'floats' may be too gentle to describe how her mom's voice gets upstairs.
I stare into the broken mirror and finish putting on my makeup. This would be a wonderful opportunity to describe her. What kind of make up does she wear? What color are her eyes? I sigh heavily and trace my finger along one of the cracks in the mirror. The war that I’m waging with myself gets bigger I would love to see a stronger adjective here, 'bigger' just doesn't seem right for something this deep. every day.
I close my eyes for an instant and go downstairs.When I read this I feel like your telling me that she's walking down stairs with her eyes closed, is that what you mean? I lock the door behind me and face the chilly October wind. It seeps into my jacket as I climb into the front cardoor? of my mom’s car. The clock is ticking. Hurry because Mom will be late again. You may want to put this in italics or some how distinguish that this is a thought“What takes you so long to get ready?” Mom asks as we turn off the immaculately sculpted street, past tall pretty houses, and miles of groomed lawns. My neighbourhood is one of the richer ones in town.
It’s the neighbourhood where everyone has to fit into the perfect shell; nice houses, job that deals with law or government I would do "jobs that deal with law or government", and pretty families.
“I was fixing my makeup.” I say.
“Okay. But get up earlier in the mornings. If I keep being late, I’ll be fired!” Mom complains.
If she’s fired from her quaint business job, I will be blamed. I am the blame for everything, she says.
I’m the reason she’s having job difficulties, it’s my fault that I can’t fit into a size zero, the reason why I am sinking deeper into the darkness.
The only good thing about Mom not being able to see past her own issues is the fact that she can’t see any of my troubles.Why does she feel like that's a good thing?
We roll through town until we stop at a tall, ochre-coloured building. A sign reads DIANE LANE HIGH SCHOOL.
Diane Lane was the first principal’s daughter. She died when she was fifteen so the principal decided to name it after her. If this piece of information is important you should definitely elaborate, it seem just thrown in there willy-nilly with out a purpose.
I slam the car door and lift my bag over my shoulder. I sigh and walk through the front doors.
School. Not much to say here. It’s repetitive and dull, especially in certain classes.
I walk to my locker and plaster on my smile. My “friend” Lily is waiting for me. I wave at her and twirl my lock until it clicks open. Friend is in quotes, but I feel like you missed a great opportunity to express what your character's feeling about Lilly and why. What makes the friendship less than genuine?
“Hey.” She says. She wraps a lock of bleach-blond hair around her finger.
“Hi.” I reply, bending to reach the bottom of my locker. I push some textbooks into my bag and snap the door shut.
“Did you finish last night’s History homework?” Lily asks as we go into homeroom.
“Yes.” I say, as I sit into my seat.
“Can I copy it from you? I totally forgot mine.” She rolls her eyes as I pass her my battered textbook.
She nods a ‘thanks’ and scribbles some words onto her paper. Our teacher comes into the room a few minutes later. It doesn’t matter to her thoughI would omit 'though' that Lily didn’t finish her? homework because If you change this "because" to "and" the sentence will read more easily when she takes attendance, she doesn’t look at us so it takes her fifteen minutes.The bell dings and we shift out of the room. You were only in class long enough to take attendance? I'm confused!
Three hours later, we are freed for lunch. Damn it. I snake into the cafeteria with the hungryhungry people and get into the lunch line.
When I get to the serving window, a fat woman with leather skin piles a slice of grease pizza onto my plate. I get water with it.
I sit at a table and lift the pizza slice from the cardboard tray. Greasy residue coats the surface of the tray. It’s repulsive but I cram the cheesepeperoni mess into my mouth.
I quickly toss the tray into the garbage.
I sprint to the bathroom and lock myself into the stall furthest from the door. I stick my finger down my throat and up comes my lunch
. This is just rattling on. It's all action with no observation. What is she feeling and thinking? What are the other kids doing? Does she hear the chatter of their conversation? Does she feel like they're looking at her? Judging her? Does she sit alone, or is she sitting with more "friends"?
The puppet strings of my body snap and I can’t feel my hands. They claw down my throat, without any control from me I love that last line! Very symbolic.


Your beginning and ending are strong, but I see a lot of work that can be done to the substance of your story. It's such an emotional topic, but I feel like you rush through it with our letting the reader connect with your character emotionally. Best of luck with it! PM if you have any question or if there's anything I can do to help your story as it develops.

-Carly
Last edited by RedSmiles on Sun May 16, 2010 11:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.
My laughter is of musical melodies. My screams are of blood.
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RedRaven wrote: “Isabelle! If you don’t get downstairs this instant, I’ll be late again!” Mom’s voice floats up the stairwell.

I stare into the broken mirror and finish putting on my makeup. I sigh heavily and trace my finger along one of the cracks in the mirror. The war that I’m waging with myself gets bigger every day. This was a really good sentence :)

I close my eyes for an instant and go downstairs. I lock the door behind me and face the chilly October wind. It seeps into my jacket as I climb into the front car of my mom’s car. The clock is ticking. Hurry because Mom will be late again. Is she thinking this to herself?

“What takes you so long to get ready?” Mom asks as we turn off the immaculately sculpted street, past tall pretty houses, and miles of groomed lawns. My neighbourhood is one of the richer ones in town. This is such a plain sentence. You could write something so much better than this! This sounds dead and boring. I would change it.

It’s the a neighbourhood where everyone has to fit into the perfect shell; nice houses, job that deals with law or government, and pretty families.

“I was fixing my makeup.” I say.

“Okay. But get up earlier in the mornings. If I keep being late, I’ll be fired!” Mom complains.

If she’s fired from her quaint business job, I will be blamed. I am the blame for everything, she says.

I’m the reason she’s having job difficulties, it’s my fault that I can’t fit into a size zero, the reason why I am sinking deeper into the darkness Again another great sentence..

The only good thing about Mom not being able to see past her own issues is the fact that she can’t see any of my troubles.

We roll through town until we stop at a tall, ochre-coloured building. A sign reads DIANE LANE HIGH SCHOOL.

Diane Lane was the first principal’s daughter. She died when she was fifteen so the principal decided to name it after her. Oh My God. YAWN. Sorry if I sound harsh but this was so boring. What if people talked like that? It just sounds like your saying it. Describe it. Tell us how the daughter died. Tell us why she named it after her. Okay, so she died, well doesn't everyone? Describe and explain more or the reader wll become disinterested.
I slam the car door and lift my bag over my shoulder. I sigh and walk through the front doors.

School. Not much to say here. It’s repetitive and dull, especially in certain classes.
I walk to my locker and plaster on my smile. My “friend” Lily is waiting for me. I wave at her and twirl my lock until it clicks open. Why is she "that" type of friend? Explain.

“Hey.” She says. She wraps a lock of bleach-blond hair around her finger.

“Hi.” I reply, bending to reach the bottom of my locker. I push some textbooks into my bag and snap the door shut.

“Did you finish last night’s History homework?” Lily asks as we go into homeroom.

“Yes.” I say, as I sit into my seat.

“Can I copy it from you? I totally forgot mine.” She rolls her eyes as I pass her my battered textbook.

She nods a ‘thanks’ and scribbles some words onto her paper. Our teacher comes into the room a few minutes later. It doesn’t matter to her though that Lily didn’t finish homework because when she takes attendance, she doesn’t look at us so it takes her fifteen minutes.

The bell dings and we shift out of the room.

Three hours later, we are freed for lunch. Damn it. I snake into the cafeteria with the hungryhungry people and get into the lunch line. I liked but at the same time disliked these sentences. I liked the "hungryhungry" phrase you put in, but when you wrote "Damn it" it just seemed forced.

When I get to the serving window, a fat woman with leather skin piles a slice of grease pizza onto my plate. I get water with it.

I sit at a table and lift the pizza slice from the cardboard tray. Does she sit with anyone? Is the table empty? Greasy residue coats the surface of the tray. It’s repulsive but I cram the cheesepeperoni mess into my mouth.

I quickly toss the tray into the garbage.

I sprint to the bathroom and lock myself into the stall furthest from the door. I stick my finger down my throat and up comes my lunch.

The puppet strings of my body snap and I can’t feel my hands. They claw down my throat, without any control from me



Overall

I liked this. A lot. It seemed a lot liked Laurie Anderson's Speak. Your descriptions come in short spurts of epicness then the next sentences get nothing. You need to work on that. Another thing, always leave a space between paragraphs or dialouge. When you don't, it gets stuffed up and makes it hard to read. Overall, very good job, this has tons of potential. :D
I am nothing
but a mouthful of 'sorry's, half-hearted
apologies that roll of my tongue, smoothquick, like 'r's
or maybe like pocket candy
that's just a bit too sweet.

~*~



A person is a fool to become a writer. His only compensation is absolute freedom. He has no master except his own soul, and that, I am sure, is why he does it.
— Roald Dahl