Please take it close to your heart - I’m really happy we’re alive. Always ready for a new start, I couldn’t ask for more than a life.
this was my favourite bit but was ruined by the 'really happy' part. prehaps you could replace that with something like delighted, glad, overjoyed, ecstatic... you get the point there are loads of words that mean really happy that don't sound so childish. anyway, GREAT poem!!!
Concerning your title, "proudness"? I don't believe that's a word. Also, "plays" is misspelled.
Right from the first stanza, it seems to me that you forced yourself to rhyme. While you did do a good job of making sure the lines were of even lengths in the first two stanzas, you did so at the cost of grammatical correctness. You also have unnecessary commas; not all lines in a poem need to end in punctuation. The line length evenness fell apart in the third line of the third stanza, though.
My suggestion: try writing out what you want to say in regular writing first before you try and force it into a rhyming format. This will make it much easier for you to see which rhymes you can work with that will sound natural. Just be aware that not all poems work well with rhymes, and this may be one of them.
I’m joyous to know we’re alive.
"Glad" would have been the better choice.
Get aboard the damned ship!
Where did the ship come from?
Overall, the first half of the poem really didn't capture my attention. I also didn't see how it related to the guitar playing. I suggest revising so that you either cut it out completely, condense it, make the relationship between it and the guitar playing much clearer right from the beginning, or move it more towards the middle or end so that its more clearly an explanation of why the narrator plays.
The second half of the poem, where you cover playing the guitar, was much better, especially where you described the song and the narrator's sentiments. I think that this half could have benefited from a bit more expansion and description, but it's not bad.
I agree with Kyllorac. The last part was really powerful, particularly the last stanza, but almost the entire rest of the poem was so stuffed with abstract words or concepts and very forced rhymes that it was as if there was nothing there. You've got something here, but you need to focus in on what it is you're trying to communicate, then pick a few strong images--like the mustache, the ship and the guitar--to convey whatever that is to your audience. This piece has a lot of passion and the topic I'm sensing is just below the murky surface is an unusual and interesting one. Despite its shortcomings, I was still moved reading it. Work on the lucidity; I really want to know what you have to say here.
Can't wait to see the revisions!
Good luck! Sophie
“It is one of life's bitterest truths that bedtime so often arrives just when things are really getting interesting.” - Lemony Snicket
Yes indeed ^^ You've hit the spot. I had to use a dictionary in order to find rhyming words, because it's kind of difficult for me to pull rhyming words from my mind when English isn't my mother language. I'll get to revise this on the weekend, thank you all a lot =)
~Don't beg for things, do it yourself or else you'll never get anything~ -Formerly Shinda
