Janelle racked the brush through her shoulder length blond hair debating to go to her cousin’s party or to just avoid the coming storm. No, she couldn’t think that way she chided herself, it would do no good. Placing the brush back on the vanity she got from the chair and made her way into the bedroom to dress. He would be there; there was no way to avoid it. Jasper, it has been five years now and she still held a vivid picture of him in her mind. It was stupid; she was acting like an immature teenager girl. She slipped into a dress that was a navy blue that she knew would show a hint of cleavage and show of her tan she had worked on in Hawaii. She had gone there with a friend to support her on a new book she was promoting.
Ummm...I'm a bit confused. This is really short, and it really has no plot at all. It just seems like an excerpt from maybe a much broader story. All we learn about Janelle in this little snippet is that she's going to her cousins party so she can see her former crush Jasper there. That's pretty much it. Not really much of a story. In fact it's not really a story at all. It's just a brief paragraph describing a moment of Janelle's life. I know you say this is the first section, but try to make it longer and more parts to it, so the reader's interested. Keep writng, Jane
Apple of my soul, Eats me whole, Take one bite, No delight, Rotting hole.
It was really short for a first section. You need to make it much longer at least four more paragraphs so readers can get an idea of weather they want to keep reading. You can't hook someone in to a story with just one paragraph that really means nothing without a whole story behind it. So what if she is going to her cousins party? So what if Jasper is going to be there? You have lost me by it being this short. If you wrote more I would read it. This story has the potential of being something much better!
-KAH
Dreams don't always have to exist while the sun's down and your eyes are shut.
I agree with what the other people said, it is a little too short. It needs to be longer with more of a plot and more details. But, what i can understand of it, it is a good story.
-Bromthebard
I do not love the bright sword for it's sharpness, nor the arrow for it's swiftness, nor the warrior for his glory. I love only that which they defend -J.R.R. Tolkien
I am a New Age Inkling!!!
I am.... a New Age Inkling! We must continue the fight for young authors, for it is the brave mans part to write with glory or with glory be rejected! (taken from a fellow New Age Inkling, Highlander)
Anyone who says they have only one life to live must not know how to read a book. ~Author Unknown
