Nikolina

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Prologue





Where I come from, everything is gold. Gold crowns, gold necklaces, golden bars. Gold wasn’t me. Gold wasn’t my color. Every little girl dreams of being a princess. They imagine gray mares, noble steeds, knights in shining armour. Those weren’t me.
“Nikolina!” the queen, my mother, Ingrid, called. She said something in Norwegian, ordering me down stairs. I picked up the skirts of the dress I am required to wear, revealing bare feet. I ran down the stairs.
“Now, Nikolina!” the King, my father Nikolai, booms, “Counsel room.” I pass the portraits of my father’s parents and my mothers parents. I had seem them all before. Sixteen years in the same castle. I had explored every crevice. I needed something new. Something different.
I entered the room and faced my parents. My mother, small and delicate, was beaming. My father, tall, broad and quiet, was faintly smiling. I curtsied.
“Mama, Papa.” I said.
“Nikolina.” My mother said, “Sit down.” I pulled out a chair and watch my parents.
“My darling,” My father starts, “we have noticed you are a little inpatient with the castle.”
“So,” Mama cut him off, “instead, how would you like to go to America for school?” My jaw dropped, very unladylike.
“America?” I asked.
“New York.” My father clarified.
“I’d love to.” I said, “Thank you.”
“A boarding school?” My mother asked, “You’d want to go to a boarding school.”
“Of course.” I said. “Thank you.” I curtsied and ran out of the room. America.
When life hands you a BAD ROMANCE, pick up your TELEPHONE, call ALEJANDRO and JUST DANCE!




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Overall very good. I only have a couple of suggestions.

KitxKat wrote:[b] I pass the portraits of my father’s parents and my mothers parents. I had seem them all before.


All of your story is in the past except for the first sentence here. Also a minor typing error: you should change "seem" to "seen".

KitxKat wrote:[b]
Sixteen years in the same castle. I had explored every crevice. I needed something new. Something different.


Consider tying the first two sentences here together. I think that may make a bit more sense.
I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. ~Albert Einstein




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This is pretty good, my only suggestion is giving your main character some more personality. Of course, that could develop later in the story also, when she isn't so "tied down" by the whole princess thing. Another thing--would she really be curtseying to her parents? They may be king and queen, but they're still family after all. Just some things to consider, but I'd like to read some more of this, I'm curious about where it'll go.
Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another. ~Lemony Snicket




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I also really liked this. I'm a sucker when it comes to princess stories but this was good. Wanting to not be a princess instead of dreaming of becoming one is a newer idea. So I like the idea, but now I must critique.

She said something in Norwegian, ordering me down stairs


To me, this sentence implies that she doesn't actually speak the native language of her country. But if she's a princess that wouldn't be feasible, so I would suggest changing it to something along the lines of "She spoke to me in Norwegian,..." so it would let the readers know this conversation is going on in a different language. Also, it maintains the same past-tense thing you have going on.

Secondly, her reaction seems kind of abrupt. She is all polite-ness. Just "thank you's." I feel like if she is so excited that her "jaw dropped" maybe she should act more excited to the end of the conversation. If you don't want her to "lose her cool" per say in front of her parents you could include a part where she's alone, but I think you need something where she just freaks out from pure excitement. But it's up to you. :]

anyways. This seems really interesting and I'd like to follow it to see where it goes.
Keep writing!
&&Toodles!!
My sister: I'll never forget that day... It was raining wasn't it?
Me: ...no.

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Need a review? PM me and I will take care of it. :]

**previously known as EAHailstone**




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“Nikolina!” the queen, my mother, Ingrid, called.

That's kind of overdoing it. I'd just say "my mother the queen" or something to that effect. Her name isn't that important; you can let us know it later. Same with her father the king.

Also agree 100% with what EAHailstone said about the "she said something in Norwegian" bit. Idea - you could actually write what it'd be in Norwegian to make it sound authentic. I just typed in "come downstairs now" in freetranslations.com and got "komm ned trappen nå" - perhaps you could be like...

"Komm ned trappen nå!" she yelled, ordering me to come downstairs.

or

"Komm ned trappen nå!" she yelled in Norwegian, ordering me to come downstairs.

Just an idea. Good luck with this :)




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This doesn't exactly reveal anything to use about the MC except she doesn't want to be at the castle

P.S
I think you could make a good StoryBook out of this. If you do let me know.
HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI!

Annoying, huh?




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Hiya!

First, I really like this premise. You could go far with it.

Here are a few "big picture" ideas that I would think about.

:arrow: Norwegian? There are a couple problems I see with your princess coming from a real place. Like the fact that you might have to do research on the actual monarchy in Norway to find out thier traditions (in the past or present depending on what time period you set your story in) For example, if you set this in current day your reader might not believe that stuff like this actually goes on in Norway, and you do not want to develop a credibility problem with your reader. And if you set it in the past, well that requires an abundancy of research of not only norway but also America, and thats alot of work. A solution to this problem is to make up your own land. (Ex. Genova in the Princess Diaries) That way you can make up whatever traditions/customs/world you want and the readers wont question you, and you wont have a credibility problem. You also wont be limited by the current or past reality or have to do tedious reseach.

:arrow: If she is the princess of Norway, dont you think she and her parents would speak Norwegian with each other? The key here is consistency, you want your story to be believable. You could fix this problem by prefacing the conversation with a sentence like this "When translated to english the conversation sounded something like..." or alternativley you could just set the the story in your own world, and they could speak english there of course

:arrow: Its really important to make your characters reaction believeable. I am not quite getting that impression when Nikolina (love the name by the way :D) reacts to her parents offer. If I was in Nikolina position and offered boarding school in America, I would be too excited to move, and have a million questions. However, maybe that is not how Nikolina would react. The trick here is getting to know you character, and then deciding what would be the appropriate reaction for her. Pretend Nikolina is your best friend, get to know her inside and out. :D

If you need anymore help, feel free to PM me. :)

Keep Writing!




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Hi!

Overall, this is a fairly good piece, but improvements could definitely be made.

You might want to do some background work. Like, I know that she doesn't like being a princess, but why? And if not princess-y, what is she like, does she like? Also, what does she look like? Does she have any siblings, or friends? What does she like to do in here spare time? These don't all have to be answered right away, but are all important in your character development.

But I liked this. Mind PMing me when the next chapter is out? Thanks. :)

:elephant: LOVE --ULTRAVIOLET
"Blah blah blah. You feel trapped in your life. Here is what I am hearing: happiness isn't worth any inconvenience."

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Hi. :)

First off, I really like your start. It drew me in and seemed lovely, so naturally I wanted to keep reading.

She said something in Norwegian, ordering me down stairs. I picked up the skirts of the dress I am required to wear, revealing bare feet. I ran down the stairs.



I agree with those who said this should be something along the lines of "She spoke to me in Norwegian, ordering me to go down stairs." Also, I see this as a perfect opportunity to perhaps through some worry in, or maybe some anger that she was always being told where to go, or what to do. Also, tack the last two sentences together. It allows the story to flow more easily.

“Now, Nikolina!” the King, my father Nikolai, booms, “Counsel room.”

I honestly thought that Nikolina was about to get punished...perhaps this was intended, as to lead the reader on?

“I’d love to.” I said, “Thank you.”
She doesn't seem to give much emotion, despite that she is escaping a life she so despises. Maybe something similar to:
"I'd love to," I said, pushing back thoughts of excitement at an attempt to keep my formal composure. "Thank you."
"But, oh what beautiful things I'll wear! What beautiful dresses and hair!I'm lucky to share his bed, especially since I'll soon be dead...
Oh, why, do I wish I was dead?"



That there's some good in this world, Mr Frodo - and it's worth fighting for.
— Samwise Gamgee