Strange Sound (Prologue)

Psst!

Frightened, I jumped a little from my bed. I’ve been hearing that same sound since that cold Friday night. I gripped the pillow with my hands, my fingers buried into it. My body began to shake again disturbingly. My alarmed eyes wandered throughout my small bedroom.

I’m not crazy… I’m not crazy…

I began to repeat those words which I thought could help me calm down. Everyday. Every night. I couldn’t sleep well because of that strange noise circling around my room.

A ghost? No, didn’t think so. I never believed those unnatural beings to exist.

I felt a dark and strong aura wrapping around my body. The little hairs on my arm straight that gave slight chills to my bones. I took a big hard swallow. I closed my eyes and wrapped my royal blue blanket all over me.

Psst!

Not again.

"I’m not crazy… " I whispered faintly.

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This is actually my first submitted work here in Fantasy Short Stories section.

I like the story so far, but if I were you, I would get some grammar help from somebody, friends or family. Anybody will work. It just seems a bit awkward in some places. But keep it up and don't get discouraged!

Hey Yuriko! I have been seeing a lot of your work around here and wanted to review but mostly it was poetry or rated 16+ but I found this piece which is rated E. So here I am.
I will colour what I like in green and comments would be in bold. Hope you find it helpful.

Psst!

Frightened, I jumped a little from the bed. I’ve been hearing that sound since that cold Friday night. I gripped my hands on my pillow, my fingers buried into it. My body began to shake again disturbinglyWhen the body is shaking, somehow its obvious that it causes disturbance. This word was unnecessary. My alarmed eyes wandered throughout my small bedroom.

I’m not crazy… I’m not crazy…

I began to repeat those words which I thought could help me to calm down. Everyday. Everynight. I couldn’t sleep well because of that strange noise coming and circling around my room.

A ghost? No, didn’t think so. I never believed in those unnatural beings to exist.

I felt a dark and strong aura wrapping around my body. My hair from my armsThis felt so odd to me. Try: My skins' hair stood straight... stood straight that gave slight chills to my bones. I took a big hard swallow.space here I closed my eyes and wrapped my royal blue blanket all over me.

Psst! Now I understood that this voice is that creepy one she hears. The first time you wrote it, I just thought it was some slang she was using. Try some other way of showing the sound. Maybe putting it into single inverted commas would help.

Not again.

I’m not crazy… I liked this sentence occurring time and again. It shows that she's so much scared that people will consider her mad or something. I loved it. Simple line telling a lot to reader.

I whispered faintly.

I'm liking the creepy feel you introduce me with. That's a real necessity for ghost stories. I didn't find many mistakes though there were some which i mentioned. I liked many of your parts but I think a bit of description about her room could do. Where she thought the voice was coming from?
Since this was a prologue, this much was fine but try to be more precise and descriptive.
I think this will be a good story if you're planning to continue with it. The way you wrote it, I could sense that the protagonist is a girl. Is that so?

Well done! keep writing and PM me when you post more!

Flying off for now!

Heya yuriiko!
Skins here to review.

Red = Corrections/Negatives
Blue = Things I like
Bold = My comments/suggestions

Psst!

Frightened, I jumped a little from my bed. I’ve been hearing the same sound since that cold Friday night. I gripped the pillow with my hands, my fingers buried into it. My body began to shake disturbingly again. My alarmed eyes wandered throughout my small bedroom.
This was a good opening paragraph! There was some nice mystery in it and I really liked your descriptions. My only real critique is that you use the word 'my' a bit too often. Maybe you could vary your words a bit?

I’m not crazy… I’m not crazy…
I like thoughts like this.

I began to repeat those words which I thought could help me to calm down. Everyday. EverySpace here!night. I couldn’t sleep well because of that strange noise coming and circling around my room.

A ghost? No, didn’t think so. I never believed those unnatural beings to exist.

I felt a dark and strong aura wrapping around my body. The hairs on my arms stood straight and gave slight chills to my bones. I swallowed hard.Space here!I closed my eyes and wrapped my royal blue blanket all over me.
I really liked your description in this paragraph!

Psst!

Not again.

I’m not crazy…

I whispered faintly. This would look better if you wrote it like 'I'm not crazy... I whispered faintly. I'm not.' Or something like that.

Overall

I must say, I did enjoy reading this! It was rather short, but I think that the shortness made it very effective; that's one thing I loved. I also really liked some of your descriptions, I commented on the ones I especially liked. One of the other things I loved was the mystery in this prologue. You hinted that there was something weird going on, but you didn't tell us what exactly. Well done!

My main critique is the way you phrase some things. Although, that's completely understandable because English isn't your first language. I don't think it is, anyway. I've suggested what you could do with the sentences that sound a bit confusing. There's nothing you can really do when it comes to this, you can only practice. The more you write in English, the better your language will become! I am very jealous of you though for being able to write in English so well, I could never write in another language. Not as well as you, anyway.

Although your descriptions are very good, I would like to see you use them a bit more. Like shubhi said, what did the MC's room look like? Where was the voice coming from? Was there a strange smell in the room? How did the voice make her feel inside? Did it make her feel sick? If you tell us these things, it will make us even more interested in the piece. It could also create some more tension if you do all of this effectively. When writing about a situation like this, it is very good for you to create tension. By doing that, you will keep the readers sucked in to your story until the very end!

Although your phrasing isn't amazing, your grammar is very good. You didn't have any awkward, annoying commas or pointless periods. I'm not very good at critiquing grammar, but I'm pretty sure that you've done a really good job at using it correctly. I'm most impressed with your commas. An awful lot of people struggle when it comes to using commas correctly, but you are clearly not one of these people. I am very happy with you for that. As long as you keep doing what you're doing when it comes to grammar, you will do extremely well with creating a nice flow to your story. That's what's good about your grammar; it creates a nice, smooth flow in your story.

Overall, I really did like to read this. All that you need to do is consider what us reviewers have suggested and maybe edit this up a bit. If you do that, you could end up with a seriously great piece of writing here! You have some lovely descriptions, very good grammar and I love the way that you handle mystery. This is one of my favourite pieces of work by you, Yuri. Really nicely done.

Keep writing and good luck with this!

xoxo Skins

Thanks for the helpful reviews! :3

Corrections in red what I like in Green

Yuriiko wrote:Psst!

Frightened, I jumped a little from You jumped from your bed? Like you jumped out of it? Maybe in? my bed. I’ve been hearing that same sound since thatRepetitive cold Friday night. I gripped the pillow with my hands, my fingers buried into it. My body began to shake again it obviously hadn't been shaking previously in the story, so what do you mean by again? Explain when you were shaking last maybe. disturbingly. My alarmed eyes wandered throughout my small bedroom.

I’m not crazy… I’m not crazy…I like that you separated that completely

I began to repeat those words which I thought could help me calm down. Everyday. Every night. I couldn’t sleep well because of that strange noise circling around my room.

A ghost? No, didn’t think so. I never believed those unnatural beings to exist.

I felt a dark and strong aura wrappingI think you changed tense here. try wrap instead. around my body. The little hairs on my arm straight that What? Maybe: The sight of the little hairs on my arm standing straight up gave... gave slight chills to my bones. I took a big, hard swallow. I closed my eyes and wrapped my royal blue blanket all over around me.

Psst!

Not again.

"I’m not crazy… " I whispered faintly.

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This is actually my first submitted work here in Fantasy Short Stories section.

Overall it's a really good story that I'd like to see more from!