The Necklace

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This is a short story which is part of a non-connecting series called Misfortunate Happenings. The stories are not linked in any way, except that something bad happens. This was the second one I wrote. I haven't posted the first, because I didn't really like it. But this one isn't that great either.

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It was a fine summer’s day, with a cool breeze and the smell of salt in the air. Down by the beach, people were walking, talking, swimming and eating ice–cream cones, bought from the thriving shops on the side streets. It was the perfect day for a little fun.

Mark took the great opportunity. He wheeled out his bike from the garage of the beach house, and went for a ride. Speeding down the bike path, with the helmet straps knocking against his neck, he stood up on the pedals and felt the air rush against his skin.

He rode up to the main square, and took a chance at the bike ramps. As he sped up to the gates, he caught his wheel on a stick and flipped forward. He saw the ground rush up to his face, and then, it just disappeared down the ramp. Bringing his feet up over his head, he made a front flip. Landing down with style, Mark felt the rush of adrenalin in his body.

Mark left the ramps and headed into the stalls of the market. He came across a jewelery store that had many interesting pieces. As Mark scanned them, his eye caught a silver chain with an hour glass shaped green stone on it.

Curious, Mark asked the stall owner about what the stone was. He replied with his yellowed teeth that shaped a gruesome grin, ‘That there’s a fine, hand carved jade amulet. Today’s me last day here before I move on to the next town, so I’m havin’ a sale. That there was eighty-nine bucks, but I’ll give it to you for just forty. That is if you’re interested.’

Mark was. He thought that it would be the perfect birthday present for his girlfriend. She was all into jewelery, charms, pendants and things like that. Plus, he might not find something so great again. And on top of all that, this guy would only be there for the rest of the day. He checked his wallet to see how much he had, and found he had just enough.
‘Okay.’ he said. ‘I’ll take it.’

As the jewelery stall owner handed Mark the necklace, a man in ripped blue jeans, a black leather jacket, black sun glasses and a black and white bandanna, ran between the stall and Mark, snatched the necklace and kept running. With lighting reflexes, Mark dumped the money on the stall counter, jumped on his bike and pushed off while slapping on his helmet.

As he rushed through the crowd of scattering people, Mark chased the man though the ally of stalls. As people hugging their purchases scuttled out of the way, Mark always kept the man in his sights.

Dodging around crates and people, the man tipped over all he could to slow Mark down. As Mark saw that he wouldn’t catch up to the mysterious person, Mark saw a new stunt ramp being unloaded. Riding up it, he hurled into the air and landed just in front of the man. The man lost his balance and dropped the chain. Picking it up with triumph, Mark headed home from his busy day. Crossing the road with nothing but the thought of the present in his hand, he knew nothing of what was about to happen to him.

Smash! Mark was thrown off his bike and sent hurling into the air, with the full force of an unseen bus in his side. As he landed with a bounce, Mark’s hand opened, releasing the grip on the necklace. It flew out of his reach, landing on the road, catching the light of the sun.

A seagull, high in the air, intrigued by this land walker, flew near the ground and saw the glint of the necklace and swept down to it. As Mark reached out, the seagull grabbed it in its claws and flew away with it to his nest.

Defeated, Mark lay down his bloody head and lost consciousness with the blur of lights in his eyes from a fast approaching ambulance, racing to his rescue.




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Mark took the great opportunity. He wheeled out his bike from the garage of the beach house, and went for a ride. Speeding down the bike path, with the helmet straps knocking against his neck, he stood up on the pedals and felt the air rush against his skin.


The description is awkward. How come he only feels the air rush over his skin while he's on his pedals? Why isn't his helmet strapped in? Is it "the great" opportunity or just a regular opportunity?

He rode up to the main square, and took a chance at the bike ramps. As he sped up to the gates, he caught his wheel on a stick and flipped forward. He saw the ground rush up to his face, and then, it just disappeared down the ramp. Bringing his feet up over his head, he made a front flip. Landing down with style, Mark felt the rush of adrenalin in his bod


Why are there bike ramps in the main square? Does he live in BMX city?

Curious, Mark asked the stall owner about what the stone was. He replied with his yellowed teeth that shaped a gruesome grin, ‘That there’s a fine, hand carved jade amulet. Today’s me last day here before I move on to the next town, so I’m havin’ a sale. That there was eighty-nine bucks, but I’ll give it to you for just forty. That is if you’re interested.’


Seems strange. Some negotiating would be more in character.

As he rushed through the crowd of scattering people, Mark chased the man though the ally of stalls.


Should be "alley."

Action packed, but I don't understand the copious amounts of bike ramps. Perhaps it is really BMX city.
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Hey King!

How are you doing? I think you've got a good start to this. The idea is nice. My problem is that it just seems really rushed and you didn't give us any time to soak up the atmosphere that you create. It's hard to say specifically what I didn't like about this, so I'm going to give this a line-by-line critique and see if I can figure it out.

It was a fine summer’s day, with a cool breeze and the smell of salt in the air. Down by the beach, people were walking, talking, swimming and eating ice–cream cones, bought from the thriving shops on the side streets. It was the perfect day for a little fun.


Your first line is good, but your second line was a bit of a much to read through. Instead of telling us what's going on by the beach, show us! Give us a little insight into Mark's situation and what he's doing before he starts to ride his bike.

She was all into jewellery, charms, pendants and things like that.


This feels kind of redundant. Mark knows who his girlfriend is, so naturally he'd buy something that she'd like. Based on this, we can assume that she likes jewelery without you having to tell us anything.

‘Okay.’ he said. ‘I’ll take it.’


This is punctuated wrong. There should be a comma after the 'okay' rather then a period. This is always the case whenever you're dealing with one line of dialogue that's separated by a dialogue tag.

a man in ripped blue jeans, a black leather jacket, black sun glasses and a black and white bandanna,


It was fine when you started off, but after describing each aspect of his appearance it just got boring. Besides, it's a mouthful and sort of kills whatever mysterious charm this character may have. One attribute is all we need to know. Maybe you can fill us in with the other details later.

A seagull, high in the air, intrigued by this land walker, flew near the ground and saw the glint of the necklace and swept down to it. As Mark reached out, the seagull grabbed it in its claws and flew away with it to his nest.

Defeated, Mark lay down his bloody head and lost consciousness with the blur of lights in his eyes from a fast approaching ambulance, racing to his rescue.


This just seems like a really unsatisfying ending to mean. What are we supposed to feel? sympathy? Right now, not a whole lot of it is coming across right now. Oh, so he lost a really expensive necklace. So? We don't know anything about your character, so how are we supposed to be feel sorry for him? I understand this is short, but in a story like this, there should at least be some sort of triumph. Even if he looses the necklace, what else do you want to tell the reader that will make us optimistic?

How does Mark even have $40 anyway, if he's a teenager, or even a young man? Even if he had that money, he'd probably get her a cheaper necklace, because $40 is alot. I mean, it's made out of shells. It's not diamond studded or anything with real gold.

I think that this could definitely go somewhere. Just try to slow down the pace and focus more on character, and I think you'll be fine. Give us more of a reaction from Mark at the end. $40 is a lot of money, and he just missed out on a chance to make his girlfriend happy. He got so close to getting out of a theft attempt. How does that make him feel? I know I would be really pissed. "Defeat" just doesn't seem to justify what he's probably going through at the end of the story.

Hope that helped! Good luck revising, and PM me if you have any questions.

-Elinor xo

All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them.

-- Walt Disney




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It's good, but the ending's a little too abrupt. Short stories still have to have spunk no matter how short they are, and this one's a bit deflated. One thing that can help fix that is not being so quick to get to the climax. Some people may think that a climax is right smack in the middle of a story, but in a short story especially, it needs to be much closer to the end than anything else. You need to build up and maintain character development. Give a little bit more background. Maybe you could have Mark texting his girlfriend while he's out walking so that we get to know her, too, and linger a bit longer on an individual event. I felt like the whole skate park thing was just a quick, useless sidenote. Make it matter by tieing it into the main story somehow.
It's a dangerous business, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no telling where you might be swept off to. -Bilbo Baggins




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Way to long for my liking and I didn't like the start of it. A fine summers day that does not grab my attention at all. It actually sounds like a childrens book beginning and you don't want that. People won't take you seriously with a start like that. So work on shortening your pieces and work on the oopenings.




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Hey. The story has a good idea, but i agree with everyone above me, it is very rushed. I found it hard to grasp everything that was going on because right when I got the feel of it, the story had already moved on.

I was confused about the third stanza
He rode up to the main square, and took a chance at the bike ramps. As he sped up to the gates, he caught his wheel on a stick and flipped forward. He saw the ground rush up to his face, and then, it just disappeared down the ramp. Bringing his feet up over his head, he made a front flip. Landing down with style, Mark felt the rush of adrenalin in his body.

It seemed really fast paced, and i wasn't sure if he had crashed or just did a trick. it was very confusing.

Obviously Mark was drawn to the necklace, as you told the reader. But maybe you could describe the necklace a bit more, and associate some feelings to it also.

The thief appeared out of nowhere. We were given a description and suddenly the action began again. Maybe you could mention the man, who had been standing there the whole time? Mark could notice him out of the corner of his eye but not really give him much thought. This would add more suspense.

All in all it's a great short story. Very sad, and a bit rushed, but good. Maybe add more detail and slow down the action so the reader can understand clearly, and even see vividly, what you are saying.




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ehmmm that was a mouthful I really did enjoy reading that story, the suspense that was in it. but i think still that you could do more with words, because you were trying to make it a short story you really didn't give the reader time to create imaginery pictures in his mind. with the description in paragraph one I thought the settings was a beach side city but as I continue to read different settings came to mind such as a merchant city, BMX city etc.
What I think you should do is make your settings clear with your use of woeds if you are trying to create a mental picture of a city it should be some thing familar so you reader can easily comprehend.
Keep writting

~~~~~E.K
when the answer to everything is lost then turn to the question in everything, cause everything is the only place you probably have not search




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A bit undeveloped. Events are just rushing past and you almost have no time to get it right. As many already said, you should develop the character more if you're going to keep with this ending. Because otherwise you just don't feel anything at the end. you just say: so what. It has real potential though if you expanded the whole story and just make it juicy.
See ya.
Neven... wonder how you pronounce it




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Hey kingolions!

I liked this poem. It was different to what I have read which was a relief. I was enjoying up until he got hit by a bus (which I know how it feels). I felt that that actually ruined the story but than that would contradict the title of this piece-Misfortunate Happenings (The Necklace). One thin I really need to say is this:
As Mark saw that he wouldn’t catch up to the mysterious person, Mark saw a new stunt ramp being unloaded.

You use 'Mark' when there is no need to plus, you over use his name which really annoyed me. And also, I like the idea of BMX City (lol :smt003 ).

Can't wait for the next installment!

MWAHAHAHA!
-RepublicOfCoter
"As I lay down on my bed, I look up at the sky, the stars and the moon, and I think to myself: Where the hell is the ceiling?" Unknown

"The fun is in the chase, never in the capture" Agatha Christie




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Pretty good, pretty pretty good. It just needs some polishing and thats it. I won't talk about grammar, only chodes really get on what spell check can solve. Unlike most things i read nowadays you have youre own style, props to that, don't change that kid because it's golden. I even have to give you props on the seagull, i've had my class ring snatched by a crow before. The setting was unique as well as the way your character interacted with it. Even the jewlery gypsy was unique in his characterization, which most people overlook doing with a side character.

Diamond in the rough: 3 stars? Cut, crafted, and polished: Probably worth a five



When a person tells you you hurt them, you don't get to decide you didn't.
— Louis C. K.