Remember

New project. I think it's awkward, and I have this thing with beginnings - they have to be more or less good before I can move on so please help.

She woke up drenched, with her head pounding so hard it hardly let her think, much less remember anything. First things first, she supposed. She pushed herself off the ground, but her hands slid from under her and she landed face-first in a sticky red pool. A sticky red pool with a gut-wrenching metallic scent. Also known as a puddle of blood. Blood was never a good thing.

Panic took over and she tried to crawl away from the blood, but she slipped every time she moved a limb. Finally she managed to grab onto a table’s leg and, using it as an anchor, dragged herself up and off the floor. Her hands left stains on the metal leg of the table, but that wasn’t her only problem. The front of her bloodied dress clung to each curve of her body, the bare skin around her collarbone dripped with blood.

What the hell was going on?

The world around her blurred before tilting from one side to the other. The ground seemed unstable, but she pushed herself to take a step forward. She almost slipped again, but her grip on the table kept her from falling.

First things first. Where was she? She surveyed the room. A king-sized bed watched her from the other side of the room. It lacked sheets and the pillows were strewn on the floor beside it. Shattered bottles of lotion glinted under the scrutiny of the room’s florescent light. Their powerful scents overwhelmed the stench of blood, but whether for better or worse she didn’t know.

Tentatively, she took another step forward. Her high heels weren’t helping a bit, but she was too afraid of stepping on broken glass to take them off.

She wouldn’t get far if she kept holding on to the table. It might be her support, but it was also keeping her in one place. And she had to get away from here, fast. Who cared about whose blood that was? The point was that it was blood, and that much blood on the floor meant that a dead body was around here. Somewhere.

Past the door was a hallway littered with softly snoring bodies. A faint bass drummed throughout the house, dancing to the rhythm of her headache. She moved forward, stepping over the bodies when she could. Other times she kicked the unconscious person, safe and secure thanks to their drunken stupors. Alcohol and vomit hung in the air, thick and suffocating.

She stepped over the bodies, shivering. The blood on her dress was drying fast from the cool night air, but now she felt cold and sticky. Like ice cream.

She didn’t trust herself to go down the stairs, not yet. Not with the world spinning around her. So instead she opened another door, entered – no, stumbled into another room. It was dark in the new room, and there wasn’t a ray of light anywhere in the silence, unless she counted the open door leading out to the hallway.

The first step was all right. The second sent her tumbling down the wooden steps until she got lucky and managed to grab the banister with one hand. Pain throbbed throughout her body, worsening her already bad headache. Her breathing came heavy. What would have happened if she hadn’t gotten hold of the banister? The cold metal froze her fingers, but she didn’t dare let go. Not even when she regained her footing.

The steps in front of her creaked under someone’s weight. She looked up and, from the dim light spilling in from the hallway, saw a teenage boy in front of her. A dark blue hood covered half of his face from the world, and other than that she couldn’t make out much. Tried as she might she couldn’t identify him: he was new, just like everything else she’d seen. Then again, that could be because half his face was covered.

But he was the only other conscious person she’d found, and she was desperate. Even if he only knew her name. Her name would be a good start. Maybe remembering it would help her remember other things. Scratching sounds came as he drew on a sketchpad she didn’t notice he’d brought.

He held it up, making sure the light hit it.

“You don’t remember anything, do you?” was scrawled on the page in perfectly even handwriting.

She nodded. “H-How did you know?”

More scratching sounds. Pen against paper. Again he held his message up. “I know everything.”

Hey Kara.

First things first, she supposed.

Keep in mind that your character is disoriented and doesn't know where she is. This bit makes it seem like she's fine, which she's not. Be careful of your wording.

She pushed herself off the ground, but her hands slid from under her and she landed face-first in a sticky red pool.

If you have seen some horror movies where the character wakes up and doesn't know where he/she is, generally they would take a while to come to their senses before getting up. I think your character got up way too quickly given the situation that she's in, so the flow of your sentences seem off.

A sticky red pool with a gut-wrenching metallic scent.

I don't really like 'metallic' there. It doesn't really fit in my opinion.

Panic took over and she tried to crawl away from the blood, but she slipped every time she moved a limb.

Your character isn't really panicking to me. The sentences that you had before regarding the blood was more like "Oh, there's blood on the floor. Meh."

First things first. Where was she?

Didn't you say "first things first" near the beginning?

Overall impressions:

Overall, I thought that this was quite interesting to read and it had some pretty cool ideas. However, the pacing of this is rather quick for a story that has elements of horror, and there is a noticeable lack of emotions and characterisation.

Throughout this, your character remains rather anonymous to the reader, and as a result, I wasn't as hooked into this as I should of been. A lot of your 'showing' and descriptions come from the environment itself, but very little is related to your character. In fact, your character seems rather detached with her surroundings. What did your character felt when she saw the bodies on the floor, or smelt the alcohol and vomit int the air? Did she dislike what she saw/smelt? Was she repulsed by it? What does it reveal about your character? (If she was repulsed by the smell and the bodies, then it suggests to the reader that she is an innocent bystander in all of this, but is somehow placed into a situation by some unknown entity in order to show her a point or to test her. If she isn't repulsed by it, then it might suggest that she has some sort of connection with what's happening). Another example: When she woke up, what was the first thing that senses? What does she think of it? What does this show about her character?

What about the faint bass? That's a rather interesting idea, but I felt that you didn't really make much use of it. (Did the faint bass acted like some sort of harbinger of death for the character? How so? What does it represent? Think about it).

You should try to find ways to squeeze characterization into the story without ruining the suspense. You want to show enough info about the character so that we can create our own impressions about her and as to why she could probably be in such a situation.

And I don't know about you, but wouldn't she at least be a bit freaked out after seeing an enigmatic figure in dim light waiting for her? I mean come on, everyone's like dead or unconscious, so to suddenly see someone alive, dressed in a hooded robe and acting like nothing has happened obviously means trouble. Again, another characterization opportunity there.

You also need to be more careful with your wording and the way you structure your sentences. There are some words that didn't really fit the tone of the story, and I felt that you could of used more long sentences to help create suspense and atmosphere for your piece.

Alright I think I've said enough for now. Good luck editing this.

Andy.

I just skimmed Andy's review, but his bits on characterization are spot on.

A sticky red pool with a gut-wrenching metallic scent. Also known as a puddle of blood. Blood was never a good thing.

I feel like you should give more credit to your reader here. 99.9% of the time someone mentions a "sticky red pool" of something, it's blood. So why not skip all the beating around the bush? I'd say give your character a moment of hesitance - a sentence - where she isn't sure what it is, but not more. You want to be suspenseful, not just telling.
"There was something sticky on her face. She opened her eyes: blood. The metallic smell made her want to vomit." Just a meager example. Also, I feel like she would be much more worried that it was her blood than anyone else's. Especially if she's lying in it.

Andy mentioned characterization, which would be really important to this piece. Just because she doesn't remember anything doesn't mean we shouldn't know more about her through this piece. It would help with the pacing, too. The pacing of this is a little crazy. I had to read over the paragraph where she walks into the hallway a few times, because I wasn't sure what was happening. Take your time with the scenes, put all you can into them. Think about interesting details you can mention, regarding the environment, the way your character feels, something about the house. Make it as creepy/suspenseful as possible. You want to describe things in full, without describing everything if that makes sense. Basically what I'm saying, you want to create a mood to this piece.

Imagery will be your best friend. Pay attention to the senses, and not just what things look like.

And for the record, I love the thing about the bass/headache/throbbing line. I took it more as a metaphor for the way her head was throbbing so badly. Because hangovers suck like that completely.

Hope this review helps! Feel free to bug me with questions.