Thief Chapter 2: Part 1

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~*~
She pushed the shiny key into the silver lock, so at contrast with the rusty metal door. She banged the door open and stepped into the dim, damp apartment. Clothes were draped across the couch like throw-on blankets and her mother was probably passed out asleep in her room. She walked across the living room, cautiously avoiding the empty beer bottles and cigarette butts on the floor.
After going in her room and plopping on her bed, she took out the wallet from her hoodie and began to count the money. First hundreds, then fifties, then twenties; the money just piled in a neat, thick stack in the wallet, coming to a total of six-hundred-thirty-seven dollars and eighty-three cents. Enough to pay for two months of rent and a little extra. There was two credit cards which she couldn’t use, an ATM card and numerous gift cards which she would. Of course, her mother, if that is what she must be called, would want money for drugs and beer, so she had to hide it all.
She pulled up her mattress and found the crude pocket she cut and sew herself back when she was thirteen. She stuffed the full wallet into the pocket and tied the string to it shut, then put the mattress back. She lay on the bed for a couple minutes before forcing herself to stand, wash up and get to school. As she was opening the creaky front door to the apartment, she was interrupted by a bang and heavy footsteps. She turned and was greeted by the sight of her mother, right in front of her, reeking of mixed perfume, sweat and vodka.

“I’ve got a hangover. Get me some Advil and where’s the money? Jim needs to borrow some cash,” her mother slurred, holding her hands to head.

“I don’t have any money and Jim can go screw himself. Advil’s in the cabinet, you’ve got two hands, use them,” she snapped then turned to the door.

She was half way out when her mother’s hazy mind comprehended all of what she said.

“May! Don’t speak to me! All I sacrificed for you and this is how you treat me! Where are you going anyway?”

She ignored her and kept walking.
I am nothing
but a mouthful of 'sorry's, half-hearted
apologies that roll of my tongue, smoothquick, like 'r's
or maybe like pocket candy
that's just a bit too sweet.

~*~




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I have no grammar nitpicks to offer, as I'm not that great with them. Although I haven't read the first chapter, from what I read here, I really like it. You've described the boozy drug addict mother perfectly. The fact that her daughter is a thief was also perfectly justified here, because she steals to survive. It's a very realistic chapter, as you managed to show realism through your descriptions which is great if that's what you aimed for. I actually have no criticism to offer, however maybe someone more experienced will later on. I loved it though.




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Hey Jas! So I've reviewed literally almost everything you've ever posted, and I am amazed how much you've grown as a writer. You've improved so much since you first joined, and I'm proud of you.

So reading the first chapter, I thought she was probably some kind of homeless girl that lived on the street, which would have been okay, but I like this so much better. You've really just added a whole new layer to your character, and that's wonderful.

The only thing I had a slight problem with was the wording of this sentence.

She pushed the shiny key into the silver lock, so at contrast with the rusty metal door.
Maybe just put something like "That looked so out of place in comparison to the rusted door."

Awesome job! *likes*

~Hope
"I'd rather be hated for being who I am, then loved for who I'm not."




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Hi Jasmine. This is going to be interesting and don't forget to PM me when you post next.
I'm liking her mother's character. You could have described her mother's distorted state as she's alcoholic and drug addict.

There was two credit cards which she couldn’t use, an ATM card and numerous gift cards which she would.

Won't she need the special digit code to access the ATM card? We need it in India, not sure about USA or wherever this is set up.

~Shubhi
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore




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Hello! This my first review on this site! YAY! Anywho.

Cons first, 'cause that's how I review.
The first sentence was awkward. I understood what you meant, but the punctuality made me confused. You could change it to, "She pushed the shiny key into the silver lock - both very much in contrast with the rusty metal door," just as an example.
There were a few grammar mistakes, but proofreading can fix that (either by yourself or a peer).
Try to avoid overdescribing movements. Like when she puts the wallet into her mattress.

Pros!
Your story has a good premise that strikes interest.
There are no long explanations (a.k.a. backstory. No backstory is a good thing ^.^)
You didn't flood your story with adjectives.
The dialogue is realistic.

Keep it up!
~ Come to the dark side. We have cookies! ~
~ Ha, we're the dark side. Why are you surprised we lied about the cookies? ~




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Alright, so before I tear your story apart grammatically (because that's just what I do, sorry) I'm going to try and be nice and point out good things first.

The GOOD:
-intriguing plot
-good flow
-keeps the reader entertained
-starting with an action instead of a lot of background caught mine (and obviously other readers's) attention
-"She walked across the living room, cautiously avoiding the empty beer bottles and cigarette butts on the floor." I like this. nice imagery. :]
-"She ignored her and kept walking." harsh, but makes a nice "ooh, diss, burn" type moment.


The Slightly Less Good, But Still Fixable:
-"banged the door open" is rather awkward. I don't think you can actually "bang" something (unless, of course, you think pervertedly...) I think "bang" is supposed to be used in reference to something. Like "the door banged against the wall" type stuff. I'm not sure really how to help you fix this. It just sounded rather funky to me...
-"passed out asleep" you don't need both. You can just say that she passed out in her room.
-"After going in her room and plopping on her bed, she took out the wallet from her hoodie and began to count the money." ->I would suggest rewording this like so: "In her room, she plopped on her bed, took out the wallet, and began to count the money."
-"There was two credit cards" ->There were two credit cards.
-"she cut and sew herself back when she was thirteen" -> I think it would be "sewed" but I'm not entirely sure. You should probably check on that. Also, you can take out "herself back." You don't have to or anything; I just think the sentence would flow better.
-"and tied the string to it shut" ->Umm... this is also worded kind of weirdly, but I'm not quite sure how to make it flow better. Perhaps "and tied the string to shut it"? I don't really know.

The Holy Poo This Is So Terrible You Should Just Chunk It:
- Yay for you! You have nothing really horrid!!! Just minor stuff...

The Plot Holes:
- She just stole some rich person's wallet early enough in the morning that she still had time to get home and go to school?? Not entirely impossible, just somewhat unlikely as most tourists tend to not get up so early and my school starts pretty early; I don't know about NYC schools though... Perhaps if she is late to school? Then you would only have to insert a part that said she was late and you would have no more plot holes! :]

Final Wrap-Up:
This was a generally good story and I've enjoyed it so far. PM me if you write more because I would love to read it too!
Also, I have just realized that perhaps I should have done a full reply instead of a quick reply because this reply wasn't so quick...
So, anyways, this was just peachy keen! :]
Keep on writing!
Toodles! :]
My sister: I'll never forget that day... It was raining wasn't it?
Me: ...no.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Need a review? PM me and I will take care of it. :]

**previously known as EAHailstone**



It's kind of fun to do the impossible.
— Walt Disney