I don't expect you to respond, but I'm freaking myself out. I'm killing myself with my own thoughts.
As of recent, my anger has been the sole proprietor of my life. A ball of black, unbridled hatred just sitting in my stomach and flaring up at any sign of conflict, to the point where I just feel like slitting my wrists just because of the anger at everyone around me.
Someone says the wrong thing, well fuck them. My friend hasn't talked to me today, fuck her. Fuck everyone and everything and anybody who crosses me, and if it's you, well fuck you too. That has become my motto, my anthem. It's bullshit and I don't like it.
I'm just not sure who I am anymore; I'm not even sure if I knew who I was at all in the first place. People think of me as an overemotional, manipulative, apathetic bitch. I can be all of those things, but I'm not just those adjectives... am I? I'm not a mean spirited person; my intentions are good, my guilt is sincere, though my morals are a bit unbalanced. It's just this anger. It's uncontrollable and doesn't have a schedule. I have made many people cry, and I'm not proud of that.
I complain and whine about the wrongs done against me, the wrongs done to others and the world and for what? I don't want people's sympathy. When people try to sympathize with me, I hate it. Someone jutting out their lower lip and widening their eyes at all the right moments, rubbing my back when they don't even know me that well. I'm sorry Lauren, that sucks. Yes, it does suck, but you're not hearing me. I don't want sympathy, I want help. I may shove you away when offered, say I'm fine, but I'm not. I just don't want to become dependent on someone that will just leave because I'm stubborn and they don't feel like helping a lost cause. All that does is make me hate people more.
Here's the thing though; I crave to see people and when I do, I'm always disappointed. The thing is, the people I want to see are random; TJ, you, people I don't even fucking know, the people that live outside of the country. These people don't want to see me though; these people don't want me. It's apparent as to why. Being the person that someone depends on is a rough job. I'm barely handling that job myself for my friend India. If there is one thing I cannot stand (and let's face it, I can't stand a lot of things), it's her fucking ignorant attitude. I can't stand the choices she's making that are obviously wrong. She's running to people that have hurt her and she *knows* that they are truly bad people. There is one girl who is coaching her on how to be anorexic... the healthy way. Who the fuck do these kids think they are?! They're not doctors, they're KIDS. I may be only a year or so older than they are, but I know a fuckload more than they do about being stupid. They don't view their choices as stupid. In anyone else's shoes, they'd be calling them a fucking idiot. They, however, are above it. I hate doing it to her, but whenever she talks to me about that one girl or her eating habits, I have to tell her that I'm done talking to her for the night. I get so bothered by it, so fucking angry that I yell at her. I know I shouldn't, but she's just being so idiotic. I try to support her in everything she does, but I just cannot handle it all. I do try really hard to offer advice, but I'm always wrong. I'm always the stupid one, everything I say gets shot down. I HATE being talked down to, especially by someone so blind by their own stupidity. Telling me that I don't know about eating disorders, that I should "do my fucking research"? If they kept one eyelid open and pulled the fucking earbuds out of their ears that was blasting screamo about how depressing life is during the eating disorder unit in Health class, maybe they would have a fucking clue. But they don't. So I get angry, and I yell at her. I tell her she's being a fucking moron. I shouldn't, but I do. And then I expect people to be there for me? It's wrong. It's ridiculous. It's hypocritical.
I don't want to be a burden. I can hear people getting tired of me, even if it's through text. I know you're tired of hearing me complain about one thing or another; who wouldn't be? I don't blame you. I don't want to lay down my problems on people anymore, but I can't not do so. I just spit it out like I have no control. I know that I have a skewed perception of myself- multiple mental disorders tend to do that to you- but I really see nothing in myself that is worth desiring. I can pretend to be appealing to other people all I want, but I know that I'm not. I'm an easy fuck. I interest people because of my problems, but once they delve into them, they run. I have become something to fix, but I am not able to be fixed. Countless therapy sessions, medications, doctor visits, lifestyle changes; nothing works. It's just who I am, it seems.
If I lose my problems though, if I miraculously find a cure, will some people still want me? Will I suddenly lose my appeal because I'm happy? What do I have to be happy about though? I can't concentrate, my friends desire to be anywhere but with me, no guy truly wants to be with me in the sense that I am something special. I put myself out not just because I enjoy sex, but because I feel that if someone wants me in that way, then there is still hope. They don't want me though, they want the action. I want the connection.
Once I expose myself to people like this (and typically it is guys; I can talk to men more easily than women for some reason), they don't find me desirable. Any guy friend of mine that was interested in me romantically has given up on me because I'm too much for them. I'm attractive because I'm helpless. Men innately want to help women that they find needy. They want to feel needed, feel strong. Once they get a taste of that, they love me. Then it gets to be too much. I can't seem to get enough protection or comfort. Then they see me for who I really am; nothing.
I am not intelligent enough, but I'm not ignorant enough to just have fun. I'm too emotional. I'm not attractive; I make myself ugly with my personality. I use ugly words, I say ugly things, I do ugly things. It's an ugly world we live in, and the last person we want to be with is the person that reminds us of that.
I know most of my friends view me as a mistake. I don't find myself special, and neither do they. People that appear uninteresting to me are somehow amazing to others. I don't know what I can do to get them to love me again, but I'd do anything. I know nothing will work; I'm soiled. I'm bad.
I don't think I'll ever have a connection with anyone that stays strong. I'm too much to handle. I bring it all upon myself. There is no one who wants me just as I am, there is no one who wants me to stay. No one who would beg me not to leave. It's not hard to see why.
I'm not just a bitch. I'm not just ridiculous. There is something wrong, severely wrong. Enough so that it penetrates every piece of my life. Or maybe it's the way I've always been; vindictive, unhappy, angry.
How do I get rid of it all? How do I become a sane, normal person again? As if I ever was.
Is it pathetic that people who have it far worse off than I have a positive outlook, while I see nothing but darkness?
Sometimes I wish that I just wouldn't wake up in the morning.
