7 Minutes

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It’s funny how you can get caught up in a silly little game. But I did. It was a typical Friday night for me, reading one of my many books, but it all changed when Jess came over and asked if I wanted to go to a party with her.

“Oh, it’s only a couple of people from school. You know all of them,” Jess said as she checked her make-up in the mirror. She grabbed my mascara out of my drawer and started reapplying. Her concern over what everyone thought about her dominated her life.

“Yeah, I may know them, but I don’t talk to them,” I said from my bed, my book by my side, ready at a moment’s notice to come back up for my eyes to read the next paragraph.

“Oh, c’mon. It’s not like you’re going to die if you come,” Jess plopped herself down onto my bed, causing me to jump a bit. She started fingering one of my pillows, then laid her head down.

“You know I don’t go to those things.” I pointed my finger at her.

She grabbed it, “Yeah, but I’m going to change that.”

I sighed, “You’re not going to give up are you?”

“Nope.”

“Fine, let me get changed and I’ll go,” I said as I swung my feet over the side of my bed. When my feet hit the carpet, I scrunched them, loving the feel beneath my toes.

“Oh! Let me do your outfit!” Jess scrambled to my closet and started tossing clothes at me. “There put those on.”

“Geez. Hang on a second.” I picked up the shirt and looked at it, then at her. “Seriously?”

“Yes, it’s fine. Now put it on, we’re going to be late.” Jess tapped her foot impatiently, trying to get me to move faster.

“Okay, okay. I’ll be right back,” I said as I slipped out of the room.
-----

“Here we are!” Jess said as we pulled up outside one of the more expensive houses in town.

I moaned, regretting my agreement to this already.

I followed her up to the front door, where she rang the bell and waited for someone to open the door.

“Hey!” Shayla said as she opened the door, “I was wondering where you were.”

Jess gave Shayla an air kiss and stepped through the threshold. Then Shayla turned to me, “Hey, Alex. Didn’t expect to see you here.”

“Me either,” I grumbled and stepped through the door.

Just a few people to me would mean about 10 to 15, but apparently it meant 30 to 40. The amount of people in this house was not massive, but it did make it a bit harder to move around. I had already lost Jess in the crowd of people and had beer sliding down my back, from somebody who was already drunk.

I found a spot on a couch in the sitting room open and took a seat. I wished I had thought to bring my book with me.

“Hey, Alex. Come join the fun!” I heard a familiar voice say from my right. I looked over and saw a group of people standing around a small table. Of course I didn’t want to join, but if I didn’t I wouldn’t hear the end of it at school, so I got up and walked over to them.

“So, what’re you guys playing?” I asked, spying the empty beer bottle in the middle of the table.

“What does it look like?” Tony asked.

“Spin the bottle,” I replied.

“Wrong, it’s 7 minutes in heaven!” Stephanie said.

I rolled my eyes, not caring about this at all. “So, whose turn is it?”

“Well, we need to decide that. And since you’re the new player, you get to spin!” Tony said as he pushed the bottle towards me.

“Really? Oh, well that’s very kind of you.” I gave him a glare, the sarcasm dripping from my voice.

But I took the bottle anyway, and gave it a little spin. It slowed down to a stop and landed to my left. Everybody started whooping and hollering and I realized I hadn’t even looked to see who I had landed on. I raised my eyes and met the gaze of Derek Collins. The one guy I had had a secret crush on for the past two months.

“What are you guys waiting for? Get going!” Tony said as he grabbed our arms and took us over to the closet. He shoved us in and closed the door, and I could hear him wedge a chair under the knob, to prevent us from coming out any sooner.

I then realized that I was chest to chest with Derek. I quickly backed away, only to find that there was only room to go back, deeper into the closet. I laughed nervously and said, “Uh, do you want to turn on the light?”

“Oh, sure.” It was the first thing he had said since I had walked up to the table. Hearing his voice was torture for me.

He found the switch and flipped it on. With the light I could see that it was a very deep closet. Perfect. I thought, What do they expect us to do? Have sex?

I looked back up at Derek and saw him looking at me, “It’s Alex, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, well Alexandria, but I prefer Alex,” I said. I had started moving towards the back of the closet, slowly but surely.

“Are you scared of me or something?” Derek said.

“What?” I was almost to the back now, just a few more feet…

Derek motioned with his hand, “You’re at the back of the closet, all the way over there.”

“Oh, I, um… We’re not going to do anything, are we?” I could feel myself start to panic, my pulse started to beat faster, and I could hear myself breathing.

“Not if you don’t want to,” Derek said walking a couple of steps towards me and then leaning against the wall.

“I don’t want to,” I blurted out. “It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just that it’s a game. And when we come out everyone will start spreading shit or something like that.”

“Not always.” Derek paused for a second. “So, if it’s not because you don’t want to…and it’s only because of what the others will say…”

He left the sentence hang in the air between us, by now my heart rate was racing. Could this really be happening?

Derek had taken a few more steps; there was only a three foot distance between us now. He reached his hand out, and I flinched, but he just redirected his hand to the wall. He was leaning over me now, his face a few inches from mine.

I tried to make myself as small as possible; this was going beyond my limits. You shouldn’t have joined the stupid game! I yelled at myself.

I could feel his breath on my face, the moisture combining with the sweat that had started to form there. “What are you doing?”

“Well, you just said that you wouldn’t mind if nobody would say anything.” Derek smiled a little. “We’ll just make it look like we didn’t do anything.”

I stared into his eyes now, the murky depths there pulled me in. Before I knew it, his lips were on mine and his hand was now traveling up my arm. Then, before I could tell myself to stop, I let myself fall into the bliss of his kiss.

My hands had minds of their own, coming up to rest on his chest and traveling up to his shoulders. My back was flat against the wall, and Derek’s body was so close that I could feel the heat from his body.

His hand had come to the nape of my neck, then, slowly started to move down. I realized what was happening and opened my eyes, my hands flew off of his shoulders and I pushed him away with a force that I didn’t know I possessed.

I heard the chair being removed from the door and I ran to it, just wanting to get away from Derek.

“Hey, Alex. How’d it go in there?” I heard Jess say. She was sitting on the couch that I had vacated earlier, but she was in the lap of one of the guys in my English class. She had a beer in her hand, while the other was draped around the guy’s neck.

“Jess, we need to go,” I said. I strode over to her and grabbed her arm, yanking her up off the guy.

“Hey!” Jess said. “Watch it!”

Too late I had thought of the beer in her hand, most of it was now on us, coating us in the sticky liquid.

“Oh, who cares?” I pulled her along behind me as I made my way to the door.

I barely made it out before Jess pulled out of my grip. I turned and took the keys out of her pocket and unlocked the door to her car. I opened the passenger side door, “Get in.”

“Fine. What happened?” Jess flopped into the seat and folded her arms.

I went around to the driver’s side and got in. I started the car and turned to her, “I just got caught in a stupid game.” I said as I put the car in drive.





*Okay, so I may have more chapters coming if you huys like this. So please give me your honest opinions.*
Last edited by Theodorable on Thu May 06, 2010 2:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Hey, Teddy!

Firstly, if you have more chapters coming then I'm assuming this should be in Romantic Novels? If so, I'll move it for you. Just PM me.

Character:

I have to say, your narrator at the start annoyed me a little. She seemed to be a little bit of a clichéd character, but I think that's because you haven't let us get a full measure of her yet. I would like something a little more in depth, because at the moment we aren't really getting much, but I guess you can go into it a bit more in the next chapters. I think that you need to set your MC apart, which will involve her being a little more described and way more individual rather than just a girl who reads books and has a crush on a guy.

Why not go into why she doesn't talk to many people or go to parties? If she finds them boring, then why? Try to make the reasons interesting.

Plot:

Hurm. It's well written, and goes along at a nice pace, but I was waiting for something more interesting to happen. Right now, nothing really sets it apart from other romantic fiction, so I'd really like to see you bring in something new for the next chapters which will individualise your plot and take it away from the rather boring path that it could possibly go down.

Sorry this is such a short review, but I don't really have time for a line by line. Suffice to say, I think that this could go two ways: an extremely cliché, rather uninteresting way (although I doubt it/hope not) or into a plot twist which will be infinitesimally times more interesting! I'm looking forward to seeing what happens next, althiugh I do think that this chapter could have been more engaging and individual.

Hope this helps!

-Amy
"It is curious how often you humans manage to obtain that which you do not want."

-Spock.


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Hai! Here, as requested.

I really like your main character. She had innocence to her, but was still sarcastic, like any teenager. She actually reminded me a bit of myself, just because I can be shy and want to read books all the time, while I go out and party, too. So good job for creating a character you can relate to!

There was a grammar mistake that you repeated a lot, so I just thought I'd point it out:

“You know I don’t go to those things,” I pointed my finger at her.

So the part that's wrong is the comma. There are two choices to make this sentence grammatically correct:

1. Put a period where the comma is.
2. Make is look something like this:

"... things," I said and pointed my finger at her.

Usually when you write a sentence like that, with the comma, you are leaving the sentence open to description of the character's tone or voice, so keep that in mind. You made this mistake a few times, but shouldn't be too hard to fix...

Overall, I really liked this. It was like a lot of stories about teenagers, but your characters just made it so interesting. The guy who she was in the closet with... I can just picture him! So beautiful, and the number one gesture I like that a guy does is lean over a girl, so it made me so happy to read that!

I do want to read more of this. I'm just concerned about where it's going. it seems like this is the end to a short story.

Keep writing!

Classy




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Hey Teddy!

So, I don't really know what to think about this story. I thought the idea was good, and I'm excited to see more entries in this, because right now, there's not a whole lot too it.

I don't really like your main character, for a start. She seems really ungrateful. I can really see why she doesn't have many friends and I don't even know why she would have been invited to the part. Jess doesn't seem all that bad. She may hang out with the wrong people, but she's just trying to be friendly and invite a friend to a party.

Also, if someone doesn't like being somewhere, they usually keep it to themselves out of respect. I can't see that your character has any. Maybe if you could tell us a little bit more about her past, why she doesn't go to parties, etc., so we sympathize with her and really understand what she's going through.

Otherwise, I think captain.classy and AquaMarine were spot on about the other story points. Good luck revising this, and PM me if you have any questions or when you post new parts. I'm curious to see where this story leads.

-Elinor xo

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I suggest you shorten it up a bit. It was a bit much to take in. Other then that it was very good.
What a shame,
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For the most part it was pretty decent. I'm not in high school so I don't really know how to relate to it, but it will be interesting to see how you plot the next few bits of it.

I can see it going many different ways. Good job on the spelling, but I think you could've expanded a little bit more character. Ummm...don't try to stretch out the minor details as much as you did. For example: her bedroom scene at the beggining. I also am intrigued to find out some more about Alex's past, and about what made her so jumpy in the closet.

Otherwise, you have a good talent for writing. If you want more advice don't stop yourself from PM-ing me.
---ASH
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Teddybear22 wrote:It’s funny how you can get caught up in a sillycomma little game.comma not period But I did. It was a typical Friday night for me, reading one of my many books, but it all changed when Jess came over and asked if I wanted to go to a party with her.

“Oh, it’s only a couple of people from school. You know all of them,” Jess saidcomma and maybe...Jess said checking her make-up in the mirror? as she checked her make-up in the mirror. She grabbed my mascara out of my drawer and started reapplying. Her concern over what everyone thought about hercomma? dominated her life.

“Yeah, I may know them, but I don’t talk to them,” I said from my bed, my book by my side, ready at a moment’s notice to come back up for my eyes to read the next paragraph.

“Oh, c’mon. It’s not like you’re going to die if you come,” Jess plopped herself down onto my bed, causing me to jump a bit. She started fingering one of my pillows, then laid her head down.

“You know I don’t go to those things.comma not period” I pointed my finger at her.

She grabbed it, “Yeah, but I’m going to change that.”

I sighed, “You’re not going to give up are you?”

“Nope.”

“Fine, let me get changed and I’ll go,” I saidcomma and maybe...I said, swinging my feet over the side of my bed as I swung my feet over the side of my bed. When my feet hit the carpet, I scrunched them, loving the feel beneath my toes.

“Oh! Let me do your outfit!” Jess scrambled to my closetcomma and started tossing clothes at me. “There put those on.”

“Geez. Hang on a second.comma not period” I picked up the shirtcomma and looked at it, then at her. “Seriously?”

“Yes, it’s fine. Now put it on, we’re going to be late.comma not period” Jessmight sound better if....Jess said, tapping her foot impatiently tapped her foot impatiently, trying to get me to move faster.

“Okay, okay. I’ll be right back,” I saidcomma as I slipped out of the room.
-----

“Here we are!” Jess said commaas we pulled up outside one of the more expensive houses in town.

I moaned, regretting my agreement to this already.

I followed her up to the front door, where she rang the bell and waited for someone to open the door.

“Hey!” Shayla said commaas she opened the door, “I was wondering where you were.”

Jess gave Shayla an air kiss and stepped through the threshold. Then Shayla turned to me, “Hey, Alex. Didn’t expect to see you here.”

“Me either,” I grumbledcomma and stepped through the door.

Just a few people to me would mean about 10 to 15, butcomma apparently commait meant 30 to 40. The amount of people in this house was not massive, but it did make it a bit harder to move around. I had already lost Jess in the crowd of people and had beer sliding down my back, from somebody who was already drunk.

I found a spot on a couch in the sitting room open and took a seat. I wished I had thought to bring my book with me.

“Hey, Alex. Come join the fun!” I heard a familiar voice say from my right. I looked over and saw a group of people standing around a small table. Of course I didn’t want to join, but if I didn’t I wouldn’t hear the end of it at school, so I got up and walked over to them.

“So, what’re you guys playing?” I asked, spying the empty beer bottle in the middle of the table.

“What does it look like?” Tony asked.

“Spin the bottle,” I replied.

“Wrong, it’s 7 minutes in heaven!” Stephanie said.

I rolled my eyes, not caring about this at all. “So, whose turn is it?”

“Well, we need to decide that. And since you’re the new player, you get to spin!” Tony saidcomma and maybe...Tony said, pushing the bottle towards me as he pushed the bottle towards me.

“Really? Oh, well that’s very kind of you.comma not period” I gave him a glare, the sarcasm dripping from my voice.

But I took the bottle anyway, and gave it a little spin. It slowed down to a stop and landed to my left. Everybody started whooping and hollering and I realized I hadn’t even looked to see who I had landed on. I raised my eyes and met the gaze of Derek Collins. The one guy I had had a secret crush on for the past two months.

“What are you guys waiting for? Get going!” Tony said comma and maybe....Tony said, grabbign our arms and leading us towards the closetas he grabbed our arms and took us over to the closet. He shoved us in and closed the door, and I could hear him wedge a chair under the knob, to prevent us from coming out any sooner.

I then realized that I was chest to chest with Derek. I quickly backed away, only to find that there was only room to go back, deeper into the closet. I laughed nervously and said, “Uh, do you want to turn on the light?”

“Oh, sure.” It was the first thing he had said since I had walked up to the table. Hearing his voice was torture for me.

He found the switch and flipped it on. With the light I could see that it was a very deep closet. Perfect. I thought, What do they expect us to do? Have sex?

I looked back up at Derek and saw him looking at me, “It’s Alex, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, well Alexandria, but I prefer Alex,” I said. I had started moving towards the back of the closet, slowly but surely.

“Are you scared of me or something?” Derek said.

“What?” I was almost to the back now, just a few more feet…

Derek motioned with his hand, “You’re at the back of the closet, all the way over there.”

“Oh, I, um… We’re not going to do anything, are we?” I could feel myself start to panic, my pulse started to beat faster, and I could hear myself breathing.

“Not if you don’t want to,” Derek said commawalking a couple of steps towards me and then leaning against the wall.

“I don’t want to,” I blurted out. “It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just that it’s a game. And when we come out everyone will start spreading shit or something like that.”

“Not always.comma not period” Derek paused for a second. “So, if it’s not because you don’t want to…and it’s only because of what the others will say…”

He left the sentence hang in the air between us, by now my heart rate was racing. Could this really be happening?

Derek had taken a few more steps; there was only a three foot distance between us now. He reached his hand out, and I flinched, but he just redirected his hand to the wall. He was leaning over me now, his face a few inches from mine.

I tried to make myself as small as possible; this was going beyond my limits. You shouldn’t have joined the stupid game! I yelled at myself.

I could feel his breath on my face, the moisture combining with the sweat that had started to form there. “What are you doing?”

“Well, you just said that you wouldn’t mind if nobody would say anything.comma not period” Derek smiled a little. “We’ll just make it look like we didn’t do anything.”

I stared into his eyes now, the murky depths there pulled me in. Before I knew it, his lips were on mine and his hand was now traveling up my arm. Then, before I could tell myself to stop, I let myself fall into the bliss of his kiss.

My hands had minds of their own, coming up to rest on his chest and traveling up to his shoulders. My back was flat against the wall, and Derek’s body was so close that I could feel the heat from his body.

His hand had come to the nape of my neck, then, slowly started to move down. I realized what was happening and opened my eyes, my hands flew off of his shoulders and I pushed him away with a force that I didn’t know I possessed.

I heard the chair being removed from the door and I ran to it, just wanting to get away from Derek.

“Hey, Alex. How’d it go in there?” I heard Jess say. She was sitting on the couch that I had vacated earlier, but she was in the lap of one of the guys in my English class. She had a beer in her hand, while the other was draped around the guy’s neck.

“Jess, we need to go,” I said. I strode over to her and grabbed her arm, yanking her up off the guy.

“Hey!” Jess said. “Watch it!”

Too late I had thought of the beer in her hand, most of it was now on us, coating us in the sticky liquid.

“Oh, who cares?” I pulled her along behind me as I made my way to the door.

I barely made it out before Jess pulled out of my grip. I turned and took the keys out of her pocket and unlocked the door to her car. I opened the passenger side door, “Get in.”

“Fine. What happened?” Jess flopped into the seat and folded her arms.

I went around to the driver’s side and got in. I started the car and turned to her, “I just got caught in a stupid game.” I said as I put the car in drive.





*Okay, so I may have more chapters coming if you huys like this. So please give me your honest opinions.*

Overall
I know you already posted part 2 and I read it and reviewed it. I will say the same thing again. It was really good and i do truly hope you turn it into a novel it deserves to be put into a novel:) I'm sure others will agree. Just little mechanical errors that are easy to fix if you agree with them cause again, you ARE the author. I'm just throwing out my opinion, which isn't always correct ;) Lots of love and PM me when you post the novel.
Jenn
when you grow up you realize that Prince Charming is not as easy to find as you thought. You realize the bad guy is not wearing a black cape and he's not easy to spot; he's really funny, and he makes you laugh, and he has perfect hair and isnt wearing a black cape and easy to spot Lots of Love Jenn




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I loved, love love love looooove loved this story!
I don't care about what anyone else thinks, you absolutly MUST continue it!
I love the character of Alex and just her sweet personality.
I was happy that she didn't let the boy get all up in her grill I sighed in releaf when I finished reading that paragraph.
Again I really enjoyed it and hope to read more!
If you prick us, shall we not bleed?
If you tickle us, shall we not laugh?
If you poison us, shall we not die?
If you wrong us, shall we not revenge?
The Merchants of Venice-Shakespear
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and live the life u love




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A very good story. I like the plot (I consider it to be original, but I don't know what everyone else thinks), and your characters are very realistic. I hope you have written more of this. I'm going to go and check just as soon as I finish up this review. I do wish you had gone into a little more detail about what your MC had been forced to wear. Also, what was in the closet? Was it empty? Where there clothes in it? A few more details at these points wouldn't be amiss at all.
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